HIGHWAY

Sebastian Stan

*Car drives by*

[sighs][groans] Hope we get a ride pretty soon, man; it's getting cold out here. [sighs] No coffee for me, man. It's not my thing anymore, y'know... All those little, starving peasant coffee farmers down in South America? I don't want to be responsible for that, y'know? Like, you're either part of the problem or you're part of the solution. No coffee, no sugar, no meat, no Nikes. It's all connected, man. It's all part of the big picture. If you don't believe that, then it's like we're all living in a giant T.V. screen that isn't tuned to any station. Billions of dots. Just bouncing and frying around. Noise in the void. Snow. Dots.

But there's always a big picture. Sometimes you can't see it, but it's there. Last night, I was hitchin' *car passes* and in a few minutes, everything made sense. The stars were flowing in the sky. I could hear the crickets cricketing. I was in harmony with the universe. And then I heard this sound from far away. Beeeep. BEEEEEP. And then I saw it. This giant eighteen-wheeler blowing down on me, doing ninety miles per hour, and I- and I looked up through the windshield- I could see the driver.

One of those bizarro zombies of our modern day life, chowin' down on this huge meatball sub as he drove, and I thought: that pretty much sums it up. Meatballs, man! Like, what's the karma in a meatball?! Only humans make balls of other animals. Like when you're in kindergarten, you're coloring in your coloring book. What does the doggie say? Bow-wow. What does the kitty say? Meow-meow. What does the moo-cow say? AAAAAAAAAAHH!!

Oh yeah, dude tried to run me over, man. And as I jumped out of the way and he blew past, he has his window down and he was swearin' at me. [laughs] "FUCK YOU, LOSER! SHIT FREAKIN', FUCKIN', PIECE OF SHIT, ASSHOLE! SUCK MY DICK, FUCKHEAD! FUCK, FUUCK, FUUUCK!!"... Spitting globs of phlegm 'cause he's filled with mucus from all the dairy products he consumes.

And then he reached up and, EEH, EEEH, EEEEH!... Totally fucked me up, man. Could not hear the crickets for hours. And what's an airhorn, man? But the sound of the end of civilization? [sighs] See, I-I-I can't take this toxic shit anymore, man. Cannot do it. Thats why I hit the road, man.

Oh yeah, I just walk up to my boss one day and I said, "Im outta here." "What?" He didnt care. He's got people lined up 'round the block making those lattes. He just said, "What're ya gonna do about money?" and I said, "I dont need money, man. Money is just to buy stuff. I dont need stuff. Im free."

Oh, uh, my boss. Yeah, he said, "Well, you'll be singing another song when you're old." I said, "When I'm old, same thing will happen to me that's gonna happen to you. I'm gonna die, except that you're gonna be so rich in your portfolios and mutual funds and IRA's and shit that they're not gonna let you die. [scoffs] They'll stick you in one of those old-age cells with the adjustable beds that go up and down and a remote control for a T.V. set. Just hope that youre not paralyzed or you'll be watching QVC for the rest of your feeble life. Me, when I die, I'm just gonna curl up on a pile of leaves in the middle of the woods, and croak. And maybe if I'm lucky, an acorn will get lodged into my buttcrack [laughs]. And then a giant oak tree will grow out of my ass and drop acorns all over my grave, and then a deer will come and munch on those acorns and my karma will go from those acorns, into that deer! And then a mountain lion will come and eat that deer and my karma will go into that mountain lion's sperm amd when that lion makes it with his old lady, I'm'na come back as a baby lion and spend my next life just boppin' around, doin' that mountain lion thing."

He just gave me this weird look and, uh, patted my back and said, "Good luck, dude." and I said, "I don't need luck, 'cause you're the one on the Titanic."

Alaska. The last real place in America. I'm just gonna take this highway as far as it goes, and find a road and take it as far as it goes, 'n then find a path 'n walk it 'till theres no path and I'm completely surrounded by woods. [laughs] And then I'm gonna step into the wilderness. Live on berries and shit. Not bother anybody. Not hurt anything.

Something I have to do, man. Because I'm a first class passenger on the spaceship, Earth, and I got one ticket and I gotta make the ride count, y'know? And, as far as I figure, you can either take the service road or the scenic route. And, man, if I only have one ride, I want it to be beautiful. And if nobody ever hears from me again, we'll be okay. And if nobody knows where I am, I wont mind. 'Cause I'll know where I am, and that's the most important thing.

End.