Soundtrack: https://soundcloud.com/jhen-belmonte/only-reminds-me-of-you-lullaby =))
"So does this mean you want to break up?"
I asked softly, hoping my question would go unanswered.
That is how it all began, or I guess, ended.
The months the two of us had shared were some of the happiest, hardest, and most educational months I ever experienced.
It seemed impossible that this was the last conversation we would have as a couple.
I had ignored the fact that the majority of highschool relationships do not last.
I guess, in the back of my mind.
I always thought that James was the only boy I would ever have this feelings for,
that he was the only boy who would ever understand me.
I never took into account that the last month of our relationship was one of the hardest times I had ever gone through.
It just stopped being fun.
It stopped being about us and started to be about everything that surrounded him and me.
The next day, I tried looking great to make him see what he had given up.
I even tried to talk at him like my heart wasn't aching, like I was better off and even happier.
But inside I looked at him and could only see all the love and time I had given, and all the hurt I had received.
I walked around school in a complete daze and cried myself to sleep everynight.
He was the only thing I thought about, dreamt about and talked about.
I drove my friends crazy by constantly analyzing the situation.
How could it have ended?
I found my other half when I was with him.
I felt like something had been torn from me, like I was no longer whole.
One night, I couldn't stand it
I gave up and called him.
I didn't last five minutes before I broke down and started crying.
I told him I had forgotten to be myself, and that I needed him.
I didn't know how to be Jhen without James.
We had been through so much together that I could not imagine getting through this on my own.
He told me that he would always care for me, but that it had become impossible to love me.
I don't know at exactly what point things started to change.
I began spending time with my friends.
I joined clubs and made after-school plans.
I was doing all I could to stay busy.
Slowly I began to have fun by myself, without James.
Beyond that, I discovered things I liked doing, ways I could be of help.
I lent a sympathetic ear to others who were hurting.
I began to smile and, finally, to laugh again.
Whole days would pass without a thought of James.
I was not ready to be friends with him.
I was still healing.
But I know I didn't cover a big wound with a band-aid and forget about it.
I let the wound heal itself and felt enough pain to know that I had truly cared for him.
The wonderful thing that happened was that I learned how to be a whole person, not half a couple.
I'm in a new relationship now, and eventually, we will probably break up, and it will be hard, and I will cry and feel just as much, if not more, pain.
But I had to ask myself if never caring for someone so that I wouldn't feel that hurt was worth it.
I know now that the famous quote is true.
"Better to have loved and lost that never to have loved at all."
Because no matter what, loving yourself can heal anything.
