All The Little Things

We haven't spoken in a while and I cannot believe that its nearly been a year. You're not around anymore and it still doesn't seem real. It doesn't make sense as to why you left and we have all the facts. I don't like to think about it much but I miss you a lot and it's hard not to think of what happened. I miss calling you about nothing in particular or just to say hey. I miss being able to get in the car and drive up to your house to have a cuppa with you. I miss all the little things about you. The way you sat or the way you liked to work. I miss your nagging and even the times that you would yell at me for nearly getting myself hurt. I miss you trying to teach me how to ride and to drive.

You missed my graduation and that hurt. I really wanted you there as I never participated in my deb and I know that I could have but I didn't want to wear a dress. You always said that I looked like a proper young lady when I wore one but you know me, Tomboy all the way.

You missed my 18th. All I could think about was you the night before. I cried myself to sleep that night and woke with the worst headache. I had to cancel my plans as I ended up sick. Now that I think about it, I think that the reason that I got sick was because I didn't want to think about you not being there when I had my first drink as we had big plans remember?

I miss seeing all the horses even though I didn't ride. You telling me that they wont hurt me as long as I did as you said. I remember you asking me as to why I quite the Cattle Show Team and me telling you that it was because it wasn't the same. I miss seeing you as I showed cattle and judged them. I miss just everything.

You showed me how to use tin-snips when I was in grade 8. You showed me how to use a laser level when I was in grade 9. You showed me that you should never shave your beard off as you look weird and strange. You showed me how to drive your truck.

But you aren't able to show me anything more. I miss that probably the most, you not teaching me anything anymore. The big thing that you taught me was that I don't have to hurt myself to feel.

I can't believe that all I have left is memories. Memories that will one day in my life fade into nothing. I tried to stay strong for Mum and Nana but it was so hard to not cry or to not feel the pain. It really hurt when you left us.

Why did you do it? You knew that you shouldn't because you always told me not to. I'd fallen before doing it and got really hurt. So all I can ask is why did you put yourself in that position? Did you not think that it could happen to you as you had done it before? You still did it. You stood there and fell.

I miss all the little things about you. It hurts to think about you but I can't help it. I miss you so much that I can't breathe... I miss you...