a/n: some of this can be potentially triggering, so please be careful frens. message me if you ever need a summary. stay alive.
I startle awake with a jolt. This is the sixth nightmare since it happened. I thrash around the bed, wishing Natalie was here with me. I need something more than a pillow to cling to. I can't find anything to hold anymore. I have nothing left.
I get up and head to the bathroom in hopes of splashing cold water on my face to cleanse myself of my nightmare. I grab a plastic cup, and one of the hotel's fluffy towels. I turn the water on, and wait for it to run cold. The cool water does nothing but make me cold. The smell of burning hair and flesh is still there. The nightmares and her chocolate eyes are still there. Her cries and pleas are still there. Water can't wash those memories away.
I give up, and trudge back to the bed. Each night in this hotel hasn't been as easy as the last. I crawl back into the empty bed I've been living in for the past two weeks since I got home from the hospital. My heart feels the same way the bed does without her, empty.
Two hours later, I awake to my screaming alarm clock. It will be my second day back at school since the accident. I drag myself out of bed, and grab the only clothes I have that are clean: a pair of jeans and a cheap sweatshirt. I would take some of Natalie's clothes, but I don't want to ruin them. I still want them to smell like her Axe and detergent.
My mom wouldn't let me get anything from Hot Topic, or new Vans. All of my clothes are gone, or smell heavily of smoke and destroyed memories. I just grabbed stuff that fit me from H&M, and stuff that my mom liked. Soon I can rebuild my collection of band shirts, Vans, and converse sneakers.
I throw on my makeshift wardrobe, and clutch Natalie's locket, making sure it's safely there, with her beautiful face still residing inside, resting next to my heart. In a daze, I continue getting ready for school. I finish quickly, and gather my things. I shuffle over to where my mom is sleeping, and say good bye before heading to the lobby to meet Colleen, my best friend, who drives me to school with her mom.
It's still dark out when Colleen's mom pulls up outside of the hotel. I put on a happy face, and try not to seem like I'm still depressed, even though the depression has worsened like a storm brewing on the horizon. "Good morning, Sarah," Her mom chirps. Colleen hands me a coffee, and hugs me silently. She was close with Natalie too.
Colleen pulls her headphones back on, and I grab mine out of my pocket. I untangle the mess and then select my favorite playlist on my phone. The opening piano to Taxi Cab starts blaring through my headphones. I turn it up louder in hopes of drowning out my thoughts. As usual, it barely helps. I stare out the window at nothing, and think about Natalie, and how she would sing this song to me on the bus ride home from school as I cried from a bad day.
Twenty minutes later, we pull up in front of Hell on Earth. Colleen calls it high school, I call it Hell. I climb out of the car, and then throw out my coffee, untouched. I follow Colleen into the school with my head down.
The morning passes in a daze, and I'm thankful for lunch. I walk into the cafeteria feeling a little bit better than I did this morning. There's an empty spot at the table where Natalie would have sat. I have a feeling it's going to be like that for a while.
Colleen slides onto the bench next to me. "Hey bitches," she greets us. "Henry broke up with me," Alex groans and rolls her eyes. "Just make up your fucking minds!" Summer swishes her hair over the table. "You told me last week at... 7:53 PM, and I quote, 'I love him so much, I think I'm going to marry him'. Care to explain that?" Summer exasperates.
"I know how it is with you two... One day you're dating, one day you're not. It's been happening since seventh grade." I joke and smile, which earns smiles from the rest of my friends. Alex continues her rant about Henry, the other quiet artistic kid in our grade.
I pass the rest of the day as if I'm drowning in a swimming pool and everyone can see me but won't pull me out for shit. I'm drowning and the only person that can rescue me is Natalie. I need her right now. She would know how to make me happy. She always does. But how can one person be the cause of your deep pain but also be the only one that can heal it at the same time?
Before I know it, Colleen is waiting for me at my locker to drive me back to the hotel. She throws me a sad smile, and leans against the rows of lockers as I rummage through my mess for the right books. I half heartedly let them slip into my bag, and pick it up off the floor as Colleen leads us out to the parking lot where her mom awaits.
Colleen's mom attempts to make small talk as we drive into the next town over. I mumble one worded replies, not wanting to talk. People, such as Colleen's mom, dance around the subject of Natalie. Most people who didn't know her or know me well enough don't understand why I'm still so sad over this.
We were best friends, but I also have Colleen. They don't understand that I was in love with Natalie, and always will be. I'm supposed to be moving on by now. But what they don't know is that we were so desperately in love with each other. You don't get over the love of your life in a month. Or your best friend in the whole world, the person you shared everything with.
I miss Nat with everything I am. I always will. Her voice will always be the melody stuck in my head. Her face will always be the picture that drifts into my mind when nothing else is there to fill it. The thought of her will be the last thing to grace my mind before I fall asleep, only to be awaken by the memories of burning flesh and her screams piercing the thick air.
Colleen's mom pulls up in front of the hotel. We sit in a second of silence. Colleen hugs me tightly. It feels forced and uncomfortable. Everything seems forced now. I shrug out of her hug after a few seconds, and pick my bag up off the floor. I slip out of the car, and start the journey to my room on the third floor.
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boring, I know. I'm updating the Before chapter after this. It's going to alternate from before and after. Have fun reading. I know it's shit.
