Ok... So im not using names. And i hope no one I know still reads my shit. Cuz god i don't want to deal with that right now. Or ever to be honest. Well here it goes...
Ok so I used to live in a small town and I went to a tiny school. Well one day my parents said they are getting divorced and we have to move away. Well I only had one person there who I would miss... We were always there for eachother. Heh the only true friendship I ever had so far. Well we moved and I went to an art school because we moved to the city. Well my best friend I um was fighting my feelings for her. I developed a crush but I thought that wasn't normal at the time. So I fought them and never told her... And oh my god I did anything I could to make her like me XD I pretended to have crushes on anime characters (Im a lesbian and I love anime but i wanted to be like her so i pretended to like guy characters) oh how I miss those days... Well as I said I then moved but we would text everyday and that school like everyone is gay or bi or lesbian seriously theres at least only 5% heteros because well its an art school. But I made new friends and they helped me and they showed me being as straight as a bendy straw was ok (liking same gender XD) and they were the first ones I told. Well one day I got in trouble and ended up coming out to my mom and I was really lucky because she supported me but i was still sobbing and freaking out and she asked why and i said "I think I have a crush on *unknown* and my mom saw my issue. But that night i decided to tell her. As my mom said I was the most anxious iv'e ever been. I was seriously shaking when I told her because i was so scared of getting shut out but mainly ruining our friendship but she said it was cute. Now i thought i was friend-zoned at the time but i was happy that she didn't act differently. Well we were going to see each other that weekend before but before i left she texted me "when u get here we need to talk." Now this terrified me. I thought she hated me and just ugh i was basically silent for the hour drive thinking what would happen. Well i arrived at her house and sat in the corner of the room and hid my face nervously and randomly she said "what would you do if the person you liked might like you back?" Now i remember this feeling like yesterday oh my god my heart was pounding my eyes were wide i was screaming internally but outside i was dead silent and looked like a deer staring at headlights about to get hit. I remember having this huge smile just slowing creep onto my face then i hugged her really tight. And she asked me out that night ^-^ it was March 5th 2016. she sat on my lap with her legs wrapped around me and it was the best feeling ever being with her... i would do anything to get that night back... and i remember she asked if she wanted to try and kiss XD well i never have and she has a few times with her ex boyfriend. so basically all night she taught me how to kiss XD and my nickname was pufferfish :3 god i love her still ugh DX and we got to cuddle all night... i still remember the time we kissed for the first time. it was march 5th 2016 at 9:12 pm. now i never remember shit so since i remembered this it was truly important to me. After that we just had an amazing time together we went to knotts berry farm, wondercon, boomers. it was amazing... but... on july 4th... her birthday... she broke up with me... so i have been in trouble since like april or june and my phone was taken that whole time it still is (im on computer) so on her birthday i was at a friends house and she let me borrow her phone to text *unknown* i said happy birthday and happy early anniversary but all i got was anger... im pretty sure my heart shrunk 3 times that day. she has told me dont trust people so easily. to toughen up. well im working on it and this is step one. i havent smiled really since then... im like levi from attack on titan. its become rare for me to show emotions now. but that day seriously broke my heart ugh. like i loved her so fucking much and i dont understand what i did... she said it was because she only thought of me as a sister not a girlfriend which i have to admit hurts like hell. and she said she doesnt rlly want to talk much... i just... i loved her u know? she was my world my everything... my light at the end of the tunnel... well i found out that light was just a lantern and it ran out of flames so im wondering this dark tunnel again. its funny... i remember for the first few weeks after she broke up with me i would wish it was just a dream. i wish i could wake up and none of this happened and we were still just friends. to be honest the 3rd day after i was doing dishes and found a giant knife. now i hold that knife for about 5 mins contemplating to u know do it right there. but the hope that we could be friends again stopped me. and also it would have been a very selfish act... fuck it im sorry for using names but im not stopping anymore. kiara if ur reading this. i love u. i always will. im sorry for being to weak for u. or not smart enough. or whatever... i wish i could feel hate or something towards her now! something but the pain of a broken heart that still loves the person who broke it!! i want to move on! i do! but i cant... my otp has shattered... but u know what. i made a promise one day to her. i told her that if one day she would hate me and scream at me to go away i would tell her no because i would always be there for her. and i plan to keep that promise. "I would live for you." - Twenty One Pilots. i found it more sincere than i would die for u. because if your like me dying isnt that hard. but putting up with the worlds shit and living for someone now i think that shows something. i will always love her even if she doesnt love me... hah sorry about the rant have a great day.
