A Fatal Passion Forged In Black ~Motionless In White

~ Chapter 35 ~

Ricky's POV

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I had convinced myself that the pain couldn't get any worse. Fuck, I was wrong. Seeing her again, the look on her face showed all of the pain I have caused. That image haunts me, I see it every time I close my eyes. I have done nothing but hurt her. I have fucked up far too many times now, I know she will never forgive me. I know I don't deserve to be forgiven, but damn I miss her. I miss being around her, holding her. Kissing her. Laughing with her, bickering over what to watch on tv. Everything. Now, all I can see is the look of hurt painted across her face.

I thought she left for Miami today so my plan was to go to our...the apartment and stay. Sleep in the bed we used to share. Hopefully, just hopefully, I would feel closer to her, just like she was there. But I know I can't go back there. It will bring back to many memories. Memories of the amazing times we have had, things that I know will never happen again. And memories of me fucking up. I wish she would've just talked to me. Maybe then I could've told her how much I love her, she doesn't know that now, I'm sure of it. She has probably convinced herself that I care nothing for her, but that couldn't be farther from the truth. I love her so much it hurts, it fucking hurts. It hurts to know she will never be mine again. I wish there was just someway to let her know that I care, and that I always will. Which there would be if I hadn't fucked up. I don't know why I slept with Athena, I don't have an excuse and I won't try to come up with one. The worst part of it all is that there's no one else to blame but myself here. I did it. I slept with her. I broke my promise to never hurt Abby again in a horrible way. I cheated on her and I will never be able to fix that. I desperately wish that I could, but I know that I can't. Even if by some miracle she decided to forgive me, I could never forgive myself. She deserves better than me, someone who will love her and treat her the way she deserves to be treated and damn I just wish that someone was me. But I have ruined that chance. She will find that someone, whereas I will most likely be alone forever. Or at least that is what I have convinced myself at this point. It pains me to see myself with some else, just as it nearly kills me to think about her being with someone else.

At least I know she has someone to comfort her. She has Chris and Ryan, and damn I just hope they do not hurt her. I'm sure Chris wouldn't, but Ryan I'm not so sure about. I don't think he would be being nice to her just to hurt her in the long run, but he does have a past. I on the other hand don't have anyone. Here I am alone in a dark room, alone, just as I deserve to be.

I hope she hasn't hurt herself. The thought of her hurting herself over me...again pains me to no end. I try to push the thought out of my head, but it doesn't seem to budge. I thought it was near to impossible for me to shed another tear, though they stream down my face relentlessly. My eyes burn like hell, and my chest feels like its on fire. I can hardly breathe, but I can't stop crying. Sobs echo throughout the empty hotel room, making me feel more pathetic than before. My throat feels tight but at the same time I feel like screaming at the top of my lungs. I have never cried so hard in my fucking life.

I had never been in love before, not truly. I had plenty of girlfriends in the past, but I never truly loved them. Not the way I love Abby. I could never love anyone the way I love Abby, I couldn't do that to her. But I know she can't be mine, I don't want to admit it, but I just know she can't. The thought of hurting her further is worse than the thought of never being with her again. Which is extremely painful at best. She deserves to be happy and I know I will only hurt her by being with her. She will be better off, I know it. I just wish I could lie to myself and say we're better off together.

A/N: Hey loves, I know that I haven't updated in a while but I have been at my grandparents house for the past week and they don't have internet, so I will be trying to update as often as possible. School starts back in two weeks, which is way too fucking early but whatever, so I may have some trouble finding time to update, but I will try my hardest. Thanks for reading, and please vote, everyone counts, ily! ~Xmotionlessbridesx