Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeey guys. <3
How was your Halloween?
Mine was PERFECT <3
I went trick-or-treating with my friends and a cousin. We got soooooo much candy when we were around my neighborhood. <3 You could say that I live in a ''Upper class'' neighborhood, but thats only because everyone that lives here is retired and has a BUNCH of money. So yeah, they were giving FULL SIZE candy bars ^-^
I'm only excited because I started eating again. I'd tell you guys my weight, but I'm still not too happy with that. Soo yeah. CANDY.
While trick-or-treating, we left my neighborhood and went to my younger cousins neighborhood. She lives like a mile away and her house is smaller than mine, but way more home-y than mine. If that makes sense. Well yeah, anyways, we went trick or treating over there and a clown scared me really fucking bad. I screamed like a little bitch. LOL. But yeah, then we went to the house he was standing at and let me tell you. <3 It was like the scariest thing but the guys in their, MMM they were sooooo cute.
I had to wear a dress because of my costume. I was Alice in Wonderland. It came with socks but they look horrible. So yeah, I wore the dress, a jacket and my Vans. I looked hot. My dress required me to show my legs and let me tell you, I am ashamed and I feel bad for the people that had to see my scarred legs. When we went to my cousins neighborhood, it was still kind of sunny outside so I wasnt wearing my jacket.
When I was going into this haunted house thing they had, this kid pulled me to the side. I was scared, like about to hit this fucker in the face with a brick. But he took his mask off-- he was a clown. He took it off and said, "You are beautiful, don't do this to yourself, you are better than this." While pointing to the scar from when I tried to kill myself. I looked into his eyes and said, "You dont and wont ever understand, so you can stop feeling bad for me. Okay? Okay." I was about to walk away when he took his shirt off and showed me his self harm scars.
I just looked and I pulled him in for a hug. Like the courage it took for me to wear a dress in front of my friends was overwhelming, I just cannot begin to imagine the courage it took for him to take his shirt off, in front of me, a COMPLETE stranger. I hugged him and he hugged back. It felt so surreal, like we were meant to meet. He told me a lot of how and why he started cutting and I did, too. We just... connected. We exchanged numbers and we are still talking today.
NOVEMBER O1, 2O13.
Me and my brother are whatching a movie called, My Sisters Keeper. And the sick girl, Kate says on minute 59, second 31, she says, "Do you ever think of dying?'' at that moment, she is talking to her boyfriend after they had sex. I paused the movie. I answered for myself and said, "Yes. Every second of every day. To feel alone in this bullshit hell hole we call Earth. Without a father who will love and protect me from heartbreak. Without a caring mother. Without anyone who I should believe will take care of me and accept me for me. Yes. Death is something that invades my mind. It hurts to say it but yes. Death is something, the only thing I am looking forward to in life."
My brother looked at me and basically told me he was trying his best to become more of a brother to me. With all of the gifts he was giving me and all of the compliments were his way of trying to get through to me. I am honestly done with trying to build a relationship with anyone in my family. If they never liked me before, why the fuck would they choose NOW to start? It makes no fucking sense to me.
Well, at the begining of my shit day i was happy as fuck. Another day of unicorns and rainbows in my fucking mind. Untill i got to school. My so called "bestfriend" said hi to me then left with this other girl. My ''bestfriend'' just left me, I mean, sure we have other friends but it hurt me because when my bus drops me off at school its mine and MY bestfriends time to chat and talk about our lives. Anywhore, she left with that other girl. I see my bestfriend when I am going from my first hour class, to my second hour class she usually waits for me on one of the benches but today, she didn't. Surprise? I think NO. /.- But yeah, when I got to my second hour, she was in their and she didn't even acknowledge me. Whatever though. I was just looking forward to coming home and talking to the guy I met on Halloween.
November 9, 2O13.
********** I know I skipped alot of days but my laptop died and I couldnt find my charger *************
Soooooooo, today has been good. I watched some movies and yeah. I had sour gummie worms yesterday. Oh yeah, on November 7th, I had to stay after school to help one of my teachers with presenting my class so I had to dress up. NOT FUN. Anyways, it was like a three hour thing I had to help with. So from the morning I was dressed up. I wore a black blouse with flowers on it, some black jeans and my black toms. I wore colorful accesories so dont worry. LOL. But yeah I got to school and my friend is still ignoring me. (You see how I didnt call her BESTfriend?) Well yeah, she is ignoring me so I am not talking to her, she knows what she is doing is wrong so I dont see why I should fucking try to patch things up with her. So yeah, we have second hour and thrid hour together. I also have my thrid hour with this really cute guy, lets call him "R''. Well yeah, he sits in front of me and when he came in I was talking to this other kid that sits beside me ''T'' I heard "R" saying:
"You look really pretty today." I paid no attention to what he was saying but more to what "T" was saying, we were talking about basketball. So when the teacher told us to quiet down he turned around and said,
"You look good today." I said
"Thanks" I guess I didnt make myself clear because he looked at me like I had said something rude, which I didnt.
"You dont day, 'anks, when someone compliments you. You say thank you very much." He told me.
I looked at him and said, "Thank you very much R-----------------------------------------" (I'm not going to say anyones name here.)
He just looked at me and started laughing- then he got into trouble for talking to me. But just that compliment he gave me made me soooooooooooooooo fucking confident. It was perfect. <3.
Skip to today, November 21, 2013.
So today was good. I guess you could say fucking PERFECT. But yeah.
OMGGGGGGGGGGG.
Midnight Memories full album got leaked, what what? <3
Its perfection.
I have a crush now.
Its R------------------------------.
The only bad thing is that him and my best friend don't like each other.
Like its not just that they don't talk. Its that they want to rip each others heads off and feed them to dragons.
It kind of sucks.
A LOT.
Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck.
Me and him still talk though. He is really sweet.
Today, he had a like pen mark on his face and he MADE me take it off.
Which you know, involved me touching his face with both hands.
A lot of wolf whistles were being made.
It was funny. I blushed and he blushed and it was just cute. <3
I really like him.
I don't know if he likes me back though. Its like mixed signals. One second he is being all touchy touchy with me and the next he is talking to me like I am one of the guys. I want to tell him, but I'm kind of scared, cause like what if he doesn't like me back? Then I fucked up a friendship. /.-
ADVICE? <3
Soo, yeah. I'll try to be more frequent with my up-dates but we are having a lot of homework and I don't have much time to come on my laptop.
So this girl here on Wattpad, said she would help me stop cutting and now, she is ignoring me. There is only like 10 messages that fall into the category of ''Help''. Like WTF? I obviously know for a fact that no one really cares, they all pretend but I honestly don't care anymore, so why should she?
But yeah guys.
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Love you.
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