Stay Strong and Keep Fighting On

I can slowly feel my tear gliding down my face. I watch as it drops from my cheek and lands on my journal. My journal. I let my eyes glide over the words I had just written minutes ago on the thick paper. “I don’t belong here”. I don’t really, there’s nowhere I fit in. Maybe it’s not that I don’t belong here, maybe it’s because I just feel unwanted. You ever feel like that? Unwanted. Alone? You try so hard to fit in somewhere, anywhere, but you can’t. You just can’t and it’s tearing you apart, piece by piece, and do you know what the worst part is? No one’s there to put you back together, because no one knows the real you or what’s going on inside your head. They think they do, but they don’t. You put on that pretty smile when needed and act like everything is okay.  Am I right?

I uncurl from my tight ball position that I had managed to twirl myself into, and sit up taking a look around into the darkness of my room. I grab my journal and quickly flip through the pages I have already written on, just catching glimpse of words here and there. Worthless. Stupid. Ugly. Alone. I feel myself sink lower and lower into my depression and start building my walls up again. Writing in my journal is the only time I’m vulnerable. I have to be to let my true emotions out. I tuck my journal away underneath some clothes in a drawer I have.

100 pages left.

I felt my whole body tense up at that realisation. It’s better for everyone anyways. They are better off without me.

I push myself to get up so I can go take my pills. I hate them. I never usually take them but tonight I need sleep. I haven’t slept for a day or two and I’m starting to feel the side effects. Grabbing my glass of water I pop a couple pills in my mouth and let the water guide them down my throat. I really don’t want to go to school tomorrow. But I know I have to. I can’t risk letting my grades slip. I lay back down on my bed blocking out any more thoughts and let my mind go blank. My eye lids are growing heavier by the minute and it’s a becoming a fight to keep them open. Letting my eyes seal shut I feel myself relax and fall into a peaceful sleep. Peace.

Waking up has always been a hassle for me. I’m not a morning person to say the least. Plus it means school, and I for one, hate school. They don’t even teach you the things you actually need to know, it’s pointless, but there’s no sense in complaining.

There’s this one ray of sunlight peeking through my curtains coming down right on my eyes. I turn over and reach for the alarm that has been ringing constantly by my head for the past couple minutes. I throw the blankets off my body and shiver as the cold air wraps around my bare legs.

Walking to my closet I grab a pair black tights and a white tank top with a black and white dream catcher printed on the front. I quickly throw it on my body and walk to my makeup desk to do my hair and makeup. My hair flows down to my waist in big, long, dark curls. I dust on some powder and add a bit of mascara to finish off the look.

I quickly jog down the stairs slipping on my combat boots and leather jacket. I built my bike by myself with a little bit of help from the guys at the shop. I’d say it turned out pretty well. I rev the engine and speed off to school.

I fucking hate my school; it’s full of stuck up gold diggers. You will not see a car that is less than 100,000$, well except mine. It’s pathetic really, and of course you have all the clicks and levels of popularity. I go to park my bike is my spot only to find it’s taken, must be a new kid, everyone knows this is my spot. I park my bike elsewhere and watch as everyone gasps in shock at my actions, rolling my eyes I get off my bike and strut into school.

***********************

“What the actual fuck, did you, just say to me?” I was seething in anger; you could pretty much see steam coming out of my ears. So you see this dumbass in front of me decided it would be the smartest idea to call me a bitch. So I was now gracefully gripping his twig like neck in my hand with my other hand balled up in a fist ready to strike.  A crowd was now formed around me and even a couple of teachers who knew better then to intervene. This wasn’t a rare thing to see at this school, I was, I guess you could say “badass” of the school. If I didn’t do any damage to someone everyday then that was shocking.