Now you’re tired. Tired of everyone around with the big fake smiles and stupid lies. Tired of hiding all those scars. You almost want to just show the world, and yell “See how stupid you were? I’ve been like this for so long I can’t remember when it started!” you’re tired of everyone running to you when they have problems but when you have a problem they could care less.
You have sworn that words like fat and ugly and diet will be treated as swear words if you ever have a daughter of son for that matter. There will not be a scale in your house because you don’t want them to feel like you do. She or he will know how beautiful or handsome and wonderful they are. You will be there for them no matter what.
Every day you ask if it would just be easier to die. For you and everyone around. But what if some person looked up to you and saw what you had done to yourself and started doing it to themselves? That’s keeping you alive. What about your younger siblings? They are a key factor to your problems. They call you fat and ugly. They call you stupid and worthless but you still care. If only apathy where an option. But it’s not you care too much about everyone around. What they say and do matters to you. When they hurt you you take it out on yourself.
Walking by the mirror and you can literally hear it shouting how fat and ugly you are. “hey chubby when you gonna lose that fat? You don’t wanna stay a size 3 forever now do you? Ugly girl!”
People hurt you and then act as if self harm is some awful thing. So what? You can hurt me but I can’t hurt myself? Pathetic. It’s sad I mean they don’t know you self harm so the stupid jokes they make about it really hurt but who cares. You deserve it right?
You’re the girl with the smile on her lips and the cuts on her hips. No one will ever know if you have it your way. The doctor called you depressed and you laughed in they’re face. No one can know. What would they think of you if they knew?
Your mom comes close to your hiding place and you distract her as calmly as possible. She can’t know you cut. Pft she doesn’t even care that you are fucking bullied by your siblings. You didn’t ever used to swear but at this point who cares? It expresses what you feel so why not?
If you could write an ad for yourself it would say: For sale- one heart: horrible condition. Free. Please just cut it out of my chest and end the suffering. (also if you could save me I’m in desperate need of saving)
People are always like well you don’t know what it feels like. Well guess what? I know what it’s like to want to die and not have to wake up in the morning. I know what it’s like for even smiling to hurt. I know what it’s like to hurt yourself on the outside to try (you’ll never actually manage) to kill the monster on the inside.
You’re the one that talks others out of suicide but has a horrible time trying to do the same for yourself. You truthfully assure them of how wonderful, perfect, beautiful, and precious they are because you don’t want them to have to feel like you do. You are the only one who truly deserves it.
Thinking that suicide isn’t cowardly. It’s treating people so badly that they want to harm themselves or even end their life that is cowardly.
Suicide being “a permanent solution to a temporary problem” may be true but what should my solution be if not suicide? You don’t really have any other options right now…
Everyone thinks you are happy. You should get a prize for being the world’s most amazing actor. Everything you say is believable. They all think you are happy. What would happen if they knew the truth though?
They ask why you tried to kill yourself and you respond with “because you told me to be happy.” They did didn’t they? So you tried and now they hate you.
Authors Note:
Hey guys. I wanted you to know that this is pretty much a journal so if I say the same thing twice it’s because I felt like it. These are real feelings that come with depression. And this is not fictitious it’s a real life story of my battle with depression. Fell better.
With love,
Ashley
