My Secret Shame

Always Alone

Ch-1, Always Alone 

You couldn't look at me and say that I was any different from the normal boys of the normal world. But I was different, and it was my secret. My Shame. 

I was different in more ways than one. Mentally, emotionally and above all physically different. 

If you looked at my face-black eyes, straight hair, pale lips-you would say I was a normal good-looking guy, but if down at my disgraceful body, you would know the difference. It was not a disease, not a disorder, just a physical or mental condition that had been my companion since birth. I was not crippled. I wasn't ugly. It isn't about what I was. It's about what I wasn't. 

I wasn't completely male. Yes, I was, what you call an inters**ual person. 

All my life, I spent hidden. I didn't have girlfriends. I didn't have friends. I was afraid, about what would happen if they found out. 

Fear makes one cautious. But someday or the other, all lies are revealed..... 

A familiar soft music started playing. Billy Joe Armstrong stared singing, "Wake me up when september ends..." 

I groaned and flipped over. Green Day was awesome. Billy had a good voice. I admired him for being able to announce his reality to the world. He even had a wife and kids. 

But that didn't mean I was going to wake up just because he was singing. 

"Zoe! Darling wake up!" my mother's voice rang out coming right from the hall downstairs. Some part of me knew that I should get up, Or at least answer her. But I refused to even open my eyes. God, it felt like I'd gone to bed just minutes ago. 

"Zoë ? Mom asked. I could feel her standing right next to my bed. Finally, I opened my eyes. 

"Hey mom" I growled, irritated. 

Mom looked tired, but still beautiful. Her eyes were sunk in deep but had a warm glow and she was wearing some silky night gown along with her open hair tumbling over her shoulder. Overall, she looked like an angel who had worked overtime. 

He sighed and tapped the screen on my phone on the nightstand. Billy stopped singing. 

"Get up Zoë, time for school "mom stood with her arms crossed over herself. 

"Tell me again: Why do I go to school?" 

"Zoe...."her voice was strained. A clear warning that she left like crying. 

"Yeh yeah" I mumbled sitting up. I held the covers so that I was hidden right to my chin. 

"Get ready or you will be late.....oh and I got gift for you "mom said, averting her eyes. I was obviously, not something one would want to look at, because......well, tell you later. 

"Gift?"I asked slowly. 

"Mmm-Hm gift. Now get ready quickly" 

Then she left. 

I let the cover slip down. I looked so deformed that even I couldn't myself look at my own body. But still, I wanted to be like a boy. I had chosen it, so I behaved like that. So yeah, I didn't wear a t-shirt at night (most boys didn't) but believe me, I wasn't something any female would like to see. Unfortunately my mother too. 

I quickly went through the morning routine and threw on some-any that I laid hands on-clothes. I didn't care. My dear rich mommy was always getting me good clothes so whatever II wore, looked nice. Well today I wore a simple blue checkered shirt above a slightly fitted blackish blue denim jean. And of course, my black sleeveless jacket. I always wore it when I stepped out of the house. It was used cover my.... Mixed type body, or whatever you'd call it. 

I didn't bother to comb my hair either. Who cared? Even if some girl noticed, it wasn't like I'd be getting a date. 

I glanced into the mirror. Plain, old Zoe. A boy. Yes, a real boy. In all these clothes, I looked perfect and even without combing, my hair was messy and cute. I loved it that way. 

Tearing my eyes away from the mirror, I walked down. Sure enough two polythene bags were dumped on the table in the hall. I went over and was about to peep in when mom yelled,"Oh-no, no, no! No Zoe, not now.Later, first school "I sighed.mom had this rule. Do something and thus earn something.School-gift.No school-no gift. The contents didn't really matter but I was curious, so I nodded. I will be a good boy.Quckly I ate toast and omelletes for breakfast, said bye to mom and ran to my car. The hot black colored car. And hopping in, I drove to school. 

Once at school. I exchanged books at the locker and went to my class room. Boys were fooling around, girls were gossiping. No one paid any attention to me. Some parts of me said, "Thank God "while the other parts got disappointed. 

I sat down on the seat, and started reading a book. Books were nice, they didn't know discrimination. And having no friends, I had taken to books. 

Soon the trouble began. Behind me someone laughed. 

"Alone again" 

I looked behind me. Sure enough standing with his goons, was Kendrick, the worst guy on Earth. 

I curled my lip, but didn't bother to answer. 

"So sad, Ethan, you look lonely.....Oh! I forgot! You're always alone!"His gang laughed. 

Irritated, I just stormed out of the class leaving my back pack behind. I never really fought back to Kendrick, I was, you know, not ready for a physical fight in any circumstances. 

I went to my favourite"kill-frustration-and-anger"spot.The ground, little kids were playing games laughing,teasing,enjoying.Tears came to my eyes, so I looked away. All through my life I had seen this. Kids of my age lived life easily while I spent my time hiding in the shadows.Watching, but never getting out. The bell rang, so I walked back to the class. 

In the way I banged into some old woman who dropped her purse. I quickly scooped it up, handed it to her and said, "Sorry...I wasn't watching" 

She was quite perky,"oh! Oh honey its alright.Happens sometimes.Dosen't it?" Then she quickly scuttled away. 

I heard Mary-who was passing with Rose say, "I heard that her daughters joining in like, a few months or something. Even heard that she's beautiful...." 

I walked briskly to my class.Crap! I was going to be late. And did these girls have no other work? Always, guys checked out new girls while girls sized them up. Always.... 

I pushed open the wooden door. 

"Ethan Smith, you're late"Gailey Ma'am said, hardly looking up. 

"Yeah, sorry" 

"Go, sit" 

I sat down on my seat. Like always, alone again. 

No one sat with me. 

From behind me, Kendrick said,"PE Ethan, PE, then you are so dead" 

I turned my torso back, "What is your problem?"I demanded. 

He glared very handsomely at me, "I heard that thing......candy" 

I ground my teeth for a while then turned away. That was why people couldn't be trusted. I had sort of nicknamed Kendrick as candy, for no appropriate reason. I had told it to James just once when he had me engaged in a four minute conversation.Now, Kendrick knew. 

God, I couldn't go to Physical Education today. 

And god, I needed an escape plan.