It's Been Killing Me ➢ Camren

I: Nice to see you, again?

It's been a year.

A year since I let Camila walk out of that door. I hope you can be happy. That was the last thing she said before she left. Even after all I've done, she can still smile innocently at me. How can I be happy? I could only be happy with her. I was already broken before I met her. She tried to keep me steady. She tried. I was still a stubborn teen back then. I never listened to her. And I regret that. After she left, we lost contact. A part of me expected her to come back. The other part lost hope. I remember what I said. I know you'll come crawling right back. Just like you always do. Wow, I was a cocky shit back then.

That was a foolish mistake.

And It's Been Killing Me.

However, I never did blame her for giving up. All my life, nobody has ever been that patient with me. She had faith me that I would stop. For two years.

Alcohol, drugs, and fights. Almost every night I would come back to our apartment drunk, sometimes even bruised. Camila would take care of me and the next day I would barely remember anything. It was like a cycle. Heh, I wonder how she held me together for two years. Camila is a really nice girl, anybody would be lucky to have her. She wasted long years, helping me, expecting me to change for the better.

I couldn't at the time.

I didn't think she can really love someone like me. How could she love me? I'm twisted and broken.

I love her but she didn't love me. I keep telling myself that she's only lying.

Even if I've done all of this things, I never cheated on her. I did love her. I still do. Maybe even more. I just didn't know how to show it. She would say I love you and I always say I know. I never miss the flash of disappointment on her face that was always covered with that angelic smile. She has always been so selfless. Camila never liked showing sadness to others. She liked making other people happy so she hides away her pain with a smile. Nobody would understand how much I wanted to say it back. I was just afraid that I would break these sweet, innocent and loving girl that everybody knew.

But...

I didn't even notice she was slowly breaking. That it was because of me. I was being selfish. It took two years for me to see through that the smile she sent me was fake. And so are the other smiles when things were slowly going downhill. Her absence made me regret all I've done. When Camila left, I finally realized what I've done and stopped drinking and doing drugs. It wasn't easy. It took me time. But it was worth it.

I'm actually a photographer now and a college student. I didn't date anybody after Camila left. I would always reject those people that ask me out. I tried at the start but I couldn't forget Camila's face. It was unfair for them.

I also stopped hanging out with the wrong crowd and made new friends. Normani, she bumped into me when I was just moving into my new dorm. We became best friends since then. And next there was Ashley, though she's a little bit older than me. We only got to hang out a few months because she was graduating.

It wasn't easy but I did it. I stopped for her. Maybe that a sign that I'm not meant to move on yet. She's my first love after all.

"Ugh, looks like that was the last of the boxes." I grunted and sat down on the grass, My former roommate chuckled at my exhausted state. "Yup, I guess this is goodbye." Ashley smiled and sat next to me. I hummed "I wouldn't think so, but nonetheless! Have a great life!" I stood up from the grass and held out my hand. She took it and stood up.

"Thanks kid."

"Hey! You're only a few years older than me!"

"Exactly."