I Only Meant To Do This To Myself

9 - Fifty Shades Of Fucked Up

9 - Fifty Shades Of Fucked Up
Bring Me The Horizon - Join The Club

*TRIGGER WARNING*
Oh how things can so easily fall into a downwards spiral.
Here I am, sat in the bathroom purging everything I binged whilst everyone is out, PTV have decided to give Luke a tour of everything and probably went to Taco Bell or something. I have my blade by my side ready to inflict more regrets upon myself. On the Internet eating disorders, anxiety, depression, self harm... They're all romanticised but having them is NOT something to want. You spend days pushing food away, just to eat it all until you force it back up. You constantly feel empty whilst feeling everything at once, you worry too much about everything to the point of physical illness, no sleep at all or always sleeping. You develop an addiction to your own pain because that's the only thing you can control, whether it's cutting, smoking, drinking, not eating, always eating, purging or any other way of self inflicted harm. YOU. CAN. NEVER. ESCAPE. IT.

I have finished with my purging so I got up and flushed the toilet and washed my face, mouth and hands. Hands shaking, not out of fear, but out of having just been sick, I reach for one of my many new blades. I press down into my thigh and drag it across, savouring the warm feeling it brings me. Messed up, I know. I did tell you that this isn't some romantic tragedy, it's ugly and disgusting. After a few more on my thighs, I go to my wrist. I have never done it on my wrists before but there is no room on the tops of my thighs any more and I'm not finished yet. I make more cuts up my arms, careful not to press to hard near the tops of my wrists... I'm not ready to go just yet. Funny, that. I constantly bring myself pain and want to just stop it all, yet I find myself to welcome death whilst being terrified of it and not wanting to die. A tragic contradiction.
Press, drag. Press, drag. Press, drag. I am finally finished and I clean myself, my blade and the sink and floor up and flush the tissues. I wrap my arms up and out on some thick black leggings, a Royal Blood tee and an oversized black drop dead blasphemy sweater.
*TRIGGER WARNING OVER*

***

I worked out a little to burn more calories after I got changed but now I'm sat in the living room blasting out Of Mice & Men and singing along to what I could. When You Can't Sleep At Night came on and I ran and grabbed Tony's acoustic guitar seeing as they guys aren't here to stop me and I started to play and sing along. By the time I got to the second verse, the guys came bursting through the door and the first thing that happened was Tony taking his guitar from me saying "ask before you play my baby next time!" To which I just laughed, shaking my head. What happened next was the worst thing possible, Jaime and Luke run and jump onto me and I almost screamed out in pain but I managed to mask it as a scream of surprise. Luke laughs and gets off of me and sits beside me, whilst Jaime stays say on my lap, much to my dismay as he is sat almost directly on my cuts...

"Yoyoyo, Jaime, do you mind sitting next to me? You're kinda making my legs go dead." I plead and he just mocks being hurt and rolls to the side and sits next to me.
"So what did you guys do today?" I ask.
"Eh, not much. We just walked around for a bit and got tacos and burritos." Mike fills me in.
"Aaaand that reminds me, here's your burrito." Vic says, showing me the horrid thing, packed with carbs, grease, calories and fat.
"Umm, thanks. I'm gonna have it later though, I ate not long ago and I'm not hungry." I lie straight through my teeth. Everyone but Luke and Mike take the bait.
"So, what did you do then? Whilst we were out." Tony asks, sitting on the sofa arm next to Mike who is texting on his phone.
"Not much, watched TV, made some food and played on your guitar." I smile at him.
"I was thinking about that... Why don't you show us what you were playing? You looked really into it before we came through the door, I saw you through the window." Tony looked like a hid who was promised to go to Disney land. He really wanted to hear this but I'm shit. I'll be a laughing stock.
"Ahhh, I - uh. Umm, I-I don't know..." I stutter.
"Awh, come on! Pleaaaase?" The guys plead. I start to feel my throat tighten and my breathing gets choppy, soon enough tears are forming in my eyes. Jaime and Luke notice first and soon enough Luke is in front of me as he has many times asking if it was okay to touch me, I nod and he holds me in his arms stroking my hair to soothe me and telling me to take deep breaths and to try and calm myself down. He breathes with me and soon I'm back to how I was before I started to panic. I whisper a thanks to Luke and excuse myself to go to my bunk.