Sunshine

How To Forgive (Youngjae)

"You know," Choi Youngjae started in a whisper tone, eyes glazed and fixed on only his moving fingers in his lap, "I never did forgive her." Youngjae hasn't talked about the situation, or even said anything in general, in a few days, so it surprised his friends and family members.

The Choi family had gotten everyone together in hopes of making Youngjae comfortable, and well, himself again. Or at least as much as himself as he could be lately. His parents, six close friends, and even their parents had all come over for dinner and a few drinks. Youngjae was never the type to drink. She hated it, which led him to stop.

They were together for so long. Youngjae counts the years they weren't dating, so he's counted just under 6 years. It would've been 6 years after just a month before it ended. They began as friends, which became more than friends just after a year.

Youngjae didn't contact anyone after everyone knew what happened with the couple. At first, it was all too fresh in his mind, as well as every one else. It was odd enough that they wouldn't be seeing the pair together after so many years of it only being the two of them, but when it passed 2 months of Youngjae not speaking to anyone, they got worried. Worried for his well-being and worried about how long it would go on for. But tonight was the first night in almost 4 months that Youngjae would be around everyone that once made him happy, and being around another person besides his mother.

"Youngjae-ah, you...you don't have to talk about it just yet. We know you're still not ready, it's alright." Jaebum, one of the closest people to Youngjae, whispered to him when Youngjae took a long pause. Jaebum of course, knew how sad Youngjae could get and how easy it was to get to the boy. But the way he was heartbroken this time, it was a way Jaebum could not mend fix, just be there for him.

Youngjae silently shook his head, expression and color in his face all gone and blank, only his eyes were building tears he refused to let out. His friends and family have had a good night because they finally got him out and to eat something sufficient instead of sneaking out of his room when his parents were asleep or everyone was gone and grabbing food. He wasn't going to ruin everything by crying.

"I'm fine. I can talk about it. I trust you all." Youngjae pushed out, which none of it was false, or so he thought. He knew he was able to trust them, he should've trusted them long ago instead of locking himself away. They would've been better comfort.

"I just, I remembered I never forgave her. For what she did to me."

At this point, all eyes were on Youngjae, except for his own parents. They couldn't bare looking at him. They've listened to him cry almost every night. They were never able to not help their son, so these past few months were hell. They had to listen to him even after asking to come into his room. If Youngjae were to cry, they would both lose it.

"I used to tell her, when we were friends, that I was more of a closed-off person, I was shy. Everyone told her I was shy," this time Youngjae let out a small laugh as his friend Mark patted his shoulder a bit, "she didn't really mind it. In fact, I remember her telling me that she loved how shy I was. She said it added to my humor."

Of course, his mates knew what he meant. Everyone did. Youngjae was more than shy, but he was also talkative with people he wanted to keep around. He was humorous with a very hearty laugh, and the boy can sure cackle if someone makes him laugh hard enough. But he was closed off to new people, and even after he was used to someone, he still had his walls.

"She broke me, you know? She broke every wall I had. Every wall nobody has broken before, she happened to. And I told her I would never forgive her for how fast she stole my heart, which only made her laugh." If Youngjae would have looked up, he would've seen slight tears in everyone's eyes. They haven't heard the boy's voice in so long, it was so hoarse from the constant crying and silence he had put himself in. But if Youngjae would have looked up, he would've lost every word he was going to say and run off.

Youngjae didn't know what came over him, or maybe he did. His mind immediately went to his memories. They flashed around in his mind, replaying like old movies and seemed to be never ending, only seeing her and himself behind his eyes. He was only snapped out of his thought by Jaebum shaking him slightly. He looked up for the first time in forever that night and saw blurred vision. He knew it was his tears causing it, but he couldn't stop it now. And all he heard was another faint crying, which sounded like his mother.

"I know I haven't been out of my room with you guys in a while, and I'm sorry to every single one of you. But I need to be somewhere right now." Youngjae said hurriedly, shooting out of his seat.

Youngjae had made it into his car, not driving in months takes a toll, but he didn't care. As he drove, he didn't notice his friends that had ran out after him. They got in one car, and began to follow Youngjae. They didn't know where he was going but they wanted to be there just in case he needed someone. He wasn't in the happiest state and the less they had to worry about him, the easier it was to help him get better.

Youngjae made it to a spot he hasn't been to, but he knew where it was. He stopped the car, pulled on a hoodie he had laying in his car, and locked his car. He started walking out through the field, sadness filling him and tears spilling. Youngjae knew this was the only comfort and closure he would have. Jaebum, Jackson, Mark, Yugyeom, Bambam, and Jinyoung all watched from their parking spot near the field. They knew he'd end up here.

Youngjae dreadfully sat down in the grass, legs folded under him and hands in his lap. His eyes closed just while sitting down, not being able to keep them open. He began crying, more like a quiet sob coming from him, it was too much. He shouldn't have left.

"I didn't mind it, I forgive you. I forgive you for breaking me down to what was the happiest person I could be. I forgive you for taking my heart and keeping it," sobbed Youngjae, unable to contain it in the position he was in now, "please forgive me. I'm sorry. Please, please come back." It was now a more hysterical cry from Youngjae, so of course, his friends hurried over to comfort him.

They were close to her as well, so seeing Youngjae like this was heart wrecking. His arms and head resting on the gray stone that had her name stretched out across the width of it, two dates under, and a line of love wrote just last on the stone, given by Youngjae himself. Of course, he wasn't there to give it, but they allowed him to write it out so they could use it. It hurt all five of them seeing Youngjae lay on this dull, rounded out mound for a person he loves. They all loved her. But they can't understand fully what it did to Youngjae.

Bambam pulled Youngjae off of the tombstone carefully and just enough so Jackson could slip himself between the stone and Youngjae, embracing him like never before. The boy immediately laid on his friend, crying harder but it seemed to get quieter than before.

It never really hit Youngjae that it was real until he was here, sitting in front of her headstone. Of course, while he's been locked in his room for so long, it all felt like a nightmare, that he would wake up at any time and turn around to hug her, but it never happened. It never will now, and he knows that. He knows that he has to trust his friends and family to help him, whether he wants it yet or not.

"Does she forgive me too? Do you think she does?" Youngjae asked in a hushed, shaky voice, looking up at Jaebum for assurance.

"Of course, I know she does. And I know she loves you, Jae," Jaebum kneeled to him, hugging him against his chest, rubbing his back in an attempt to comfort his mourning best friend.