I sometimes feel so lost within myself that it feels like its impossible to get out. Lost in thoughts, memories, dreams, and desires but not able to really understand what's going on or why I feel this way. I have no reason to feel like this, no reason to feel empty, but yet there's a million reasons.
It was the book that led to all these feelings of doubt. The questions that seemed to have no answer. I was never much of a reader. That was a lie. The person I wanted to be wasn't much of a reader. Well at least the person I wanted to be sometimes. Other times I wanted to be wise, with thoughts of Shakespeare and higher power. But who was I? The real me? I wasn't sure, I had heard a quote before, although I don't remember exactly how it was worded, or exactly who said it, but I do understand the meaning. Who you are is made up of who you want to be and who you don't want to be. I had too many opinions about both. I wanted to please, and I wanted to be hated. I wanted to be beautiful, but I wanted to be smart. I wanted to be innocent, and I wanted to be corrupted. You might think its possible to be a little of all of these, but its not. Some people told me to be me, but who really is them. Do you think that eager to please young girl is being herself? No, she's being who people want her to be. Who people expect her to be. And, no matter how much you lie or ignore it, you will always want to please, to be loved. But sometimes its just not possible.
I wondered why out of all the books the librarian had chose this one. Maybe she thought I was on the wrong path, maybe she thought it would make me change, realize I need to be someone else. She's just another person who wanted me to be someone I'm not. Maybe she thought I could relate? Or maybe it was because I had started to hang out with Nick? Maybe she knew how messed up he really is? Maybe this was her way of warning me? This is what I mean about the unanswerable questions. Unless I ask her of course, but those kind of people never really do give you a straight answer. How could they anyways when they had to keep everything under control. Everything sheltered. Everything safe. Maybe if I had understood this a little sooner then I wouldn't be in this situation. Of course it wasn't my fault. Just like everyone said, Nick was a messed up boy who wanted to do nothing but hurt me. He only won when I gave up. At least that was what they told me. They told me so many things it was hard to keep track though. Sometimes they were sad and pitiful, other times they were angry and resentful. Either way, they just wished that this had not happened. I guess I wish the same, maybe then I'd be doing something that they consider normal. Or something that would be normal for me at least. Sometimes I feel like I'm loss and never coming back, or maybe I've always been this empty. Maybe there has just always been something to distracted me. I used to find refugee in watching movies or reading books, but it seems everything I see or do reminds me that I'll never get away.
Seeing the look in my fathers eyes changed me. I felt horrible as it was, but knowing his innocent little angel wasn't innocent anymore and there was nothing he could do was killing him. I needed him to be strong, I needed him to be a rock. My rock. Do you know that feeling when you hug someone and everything just spills out? The tears, the fears, the doubts, the truth. That was the last moment I felt normal, whole almost. So many people who swore they were there when I needed them were the ones giving me judging looks. They were the ones who spread the rumours and sent the hate. It was my fault they said. In moments like these I liked to think about something else. Anything else. To distract my mind, my heart, and my tears. But lately it seems like there is nothing else to think about. There is no sacred place for me to go to and fall asleep. No deep, dark corners of my mind to escape to. Maybe it was times like these that made people kill themselves. Not when your too sad, but when you have no feelings at all. People claim it to be the cowards way out, but how do these people know how they felt. Know how much raw emotion was swirling around inside them. Begging to be unleashed, begging to cause chaos. What would happen if I let them? What would happen if I gave them control. Forget about Rachel and let something else control her. I could live with the consequences of that. For the chance that Nick got what he deserved, I would do anything. Anything so I could taste that sweetness of revenge on my tongue. I know it sounds cruel, and quite possibly insane, but karma is a bitch. And so am I.
