Cages of Love

Chapter four

The first woman I ever fell in love with made my heart fly and quickly crash. Not only did she make me fall madly in love with her but she made my body fall in love with alcohol. She was a mess and so was I, but in the midst of it all I thought this is what true love is. It was up until the day that I found her lying on the bathroom floor with her face down. Her body couldn't handle the abuse she continued to put it through, it couldn't deal with all of the pills and alcohol. She was gone. I never did shed a tear about anything until this moment, where I cried and held onto her for hours, begging for her to come back. Telling her that we can start over and fix ourselves for the better. She never woke up. It's been years since then and I haven't cried about anything or over anyone, it's as if nothing affects me anymore. I made a promise to her that day that I would quit addiction all together, that I would reach out for help. I've tried to get help over and over but something always brings me back. I don't ever talk about her anymore and no one knows about what happened. I know that the alcohol and drugs killed her and that I have to stop that from happening to me because it's what she would've wanted. I never thought I could love someone that deeply again. It was as if all the pain and all the love and any feeling whatsoever was ripped out of me, until I met Danielle.

When I met Danielle I was at my lowest and was so lost but she took me to a new place each time I was with her. A new mindset. If there was one thing that made me fall in love with her it was her obnoxious laugh. Danni was the waitress at the diner down the block from my apartment that I would go to every morning for coffee. There were days where she somehow could just tell I wasn't okay and she would sit and talk with me over coffee while her friend covered her tables and I kept thinking to myself why would a stranger do that for me? Someone who didn't know me at all and didn't understand just how much of a fuck up I am. Something about her was different from all the other girls I've been with, her eyes were like an open highway for me. She wanted to know my story and who I was and that's what I wanted as well. There is no one quite like this girl. That's how I knew I had to make sure I stayed with her and we met up every single day since. Danielle brought out this whole new side of me that was good and bad. When I am with her I am a wild child, I could ride on my bike with her for hours. When I'm with Danielle I feel so alive. I've stopped being so dependent on her to make me happy right now because I refuse to be needy or clingy. I smoke cigarettes so that I don't have to drink away what I'm feeling. I tell myself every day that I love this woman and I need to be better for her and I try but there is so much things unsaid that are in the way of our true happiness.

Danielle and I aren't kids anymore, she's graduated from MIT and I graduated from High School and have been taking a few college classes online but what actually makes me happy? It isn't school. I want to find an inner love for something deeper than just working at my dad's shop fixing cars and bikes but I have to support her and be that strong part for her. She works three jobs and she's absolutely incredible, just sometimes I feel so out of place as if she's out of my league. I know that Danni deserves better but she stays with me. We've broken up countless times and always come back to each other, it's like we are each others drug. One day I will get to take Danielle far away from Chicago and we can actually be together and be truly happy. This place is toxic. It's an endless feeling of being trapped in a shitty cardboard box, everyone's the same and happy to live in their pool of demons. Can I lay by her side always? Can I survive living life without really living it? I refuse to continue telling her I love her everyday because I am afraid that one day because of everything going on I won't feel like I mean it or that she won't feel the same back. It's all so complicated. Love is selfish. Love isn't always kind. And the worst kind of love can show you the biggest lessons in life. I am so lost and everyone thinks I have it all figured out, but I'll smoke my cigarette in silence tonight because I need to turn my mind off.