And then Came Society
I remember being really little – a young and careless child, with no responsibilities, no worries at all. My dreams were my reality – no sweat, no determination, and no hard work. I’d skip to school happily, free and carefree. Often was I questioned upon what I wanted to be when I grew up. There were the normal, smart, kids that wanted to be doctors and lawyers, the athletic kids, who longed to be super stars at football and basketball, and there were the musically talented kids who pictured themselves on Broadway or walking down the red carpet. From time to time, my classmates’ answers varied. But then, there was me. My answer was always the same; simple, but domestic. My answer was something that one could only dream of, especially at my young childhood age. My answer, was ‘in love.'
Year by year, everything worsened. Living in Virginia, I was forced to grow up pretty fast. Each day, my father lectured me on the chaotic society that we called normal. Each night, I would cry myself to sleep. My father often talked about moving. He said that it was unsafe for us to live in Virginia any longer. The knowledge I was given through my father’s wise words helped me in so many ways. But the children at school didn’t understand me. I never fit in, really. Nobody was able to understand the concepts I could. No one at all.
During my teenage years, I moved half way around the world to Singapore, South East Asia. Everything went completely downhill; bullying became a huge part of my life, a lot of relationships were ended quickly, and I was constantly talked about. The worst part, though, is that I had no friends to stand up for me and help me through the hardest times. I found no point in my life, and I even began to ask myself what I stood for in this world, but no answer came to my lips. Nothing ever stopped, and I began to cut. I used to wear jumpers and bangles to school everyday to cover up the suicide attempts.
Somehow, I miraculously made it through the years of bitter, harsh, darkness. Somewhere along the way, I’d made a friend like no other. Someone who finally understood my problems, and stood tall enough to face them with me. One night, she sent me a sincere text which put an end to my self harm. This message changed my life amazingly. It read,
“Stop self harming right now. Put down the blade and listen to me. I hate when you’re upset and in the dumps, and you may not know this, but it hurts me too. I know its hard and sometimes it feels like its not even worth trying to stop. But, I promise you, it is. I know that seeing your scars fade is hard, but baby you know you don’t want them forever. Once they have faded, think about how much easier it will be. No more long-sleeve shirts and jumpers and sweatshirts. No more bracelets and wristbands and awkward positioning so people don’t notice. Just stop and think for a minute. Think how much better it’s going to get for you. Every single damn problem you have right now is going to end and go away. You haven’t even lived a quarter of your life yet. And I want to know you for the rest of it. There are so many things for you to look forward to! I promise you, I know just what you are feeling, and I used to be in a position similar to yours. And you know what? Sometimes I’m still there and I regret it honey, I do. Last night was rough for me, and I regretted cutting as soon as I did. I thought about you, and everyone else that cares about me. But its all part of recovery. It doesn’t mean that I’m not going to get better, it just means that I’m fighting and trying my best. I promise you that you can make it through this, and that one day, you won’t even have to fake a smile because it will come naturally. And I promise you that there will be a night that you aren’t fighting the blade for sleep. There will be a day where you won’t even remember how hard it was for you at the time. And I can’t wait for you to realize that you are who you are and you’re fucking beautiful. Don’t let anyone tell you different and I’m always here for you love. I love you so much that words can’t describe. So put that blade down forever and read this every single time you’re on the verge of cutting. I love you so much babe and you should know that I’m always here for you.”
That’s when I finally realized I was wrong. Wrong for listening to everyone’s lies & untrue comments. Wrong for harming myself for everyone else’s pleasure. Wrong for doubting myself and putting myself down because other people told me to. Wrong for everything wrong I’d ever done.
Here I am now, a fully-grown, successful woman. I’m an author – a successful job, like my dad had once taught me before his death 14 years ago. I live in Chester, England now. I am, as I have always wished, in love, and you know what? I guess things have gotten better since my teenage years. I mean, society kills people, doesn’t it? But most people are able to fight through the bittersweet taste and move on. Because suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. I guess people just need to hear a story to believe it.
