My public diary

Persona

So this ties into my most recent slam poetry: Persona
I'll just copy past it here so you don't have to go to a different book and come back.

I am beautiful
A persona
An aspect of myself perceived by others
But that's just it
A persona
A mask
An act
When I'm with others
My persona
Is a high regard for myself
My person
Is unsure of what others think
Is scared of what others think
My persona
Is not bothered by what people think
Am I...

So there it is. So because it's summer every ones taking selfies and pics of themselves where they look amazing! I am not an exception. Because I'll take selfies to. But to me, I don't necessarily look good in them. My friends will say I look great but they're my best friends! They're not gonna say "Oh bloody hell! You're horribly ugly!" Just no. They won't say that! And I, as someone who hates shallow people who only judge people on looks feels horrible when I think Am I actually pretty?

Here's something that contradicts the whole "don't judge a book by it's cover" thing. If you had to choose between two people. A good looking, nice, funny and intelligent guy/girl
Or a
Not really good looking, nice, funny and intelligent guy/girl
People are most likely to choose the good looking one. Why? Because it's appealing. And the reason books have interesting covers is for that exact reason: to be judged! But I digress. The reason I'm saying all that is that, well, no one (except my parents) have told me I'm beautiful unless I ask. So really, I don't think I really am that pretty! Like my friends be getting 50 comments on Instagram like "OMG gurl ur so beautiful!" And stuff. So I have reason to doubt! But I feel selfish when I do.

Ok so whenever I'm in public or with someone I put on a persona. A mask. I act as though everything is fine, that i don't care what people think. If my friend is shy and doesn't want to ask for a fork at the cafeteria at lunch, I'll do it! I'm that friend. But when there's no one around and I'm left alone with my thoughts, the mask dissolves into nothing. I'm scared that when I walk up to someone they think. "What is she wearing?" Or "Wtf is wrong with her face?" Or because I'm super skinny and you can see my rib cage sometimes, I'm afraid people will think I'm anorexic or something. But the truth about that is that I have such a fast metabolism that I don't get big! Even though I eat loads of junk food! I'm short and I joke around with the fact that I look 12 years old but really I hate it when the lady at Starbucks tells me there's coffee in the drink I ordered and then calls me sweetie . Like yes bi**h I know there's fu**ing coffee in my drink! I just hate the way I look sometimes! I know it's selfish and shallow but if someone would just notice when I do something new with my hair or a got a new top I think is really cute!

If someone were to compliment me in the slightest way, about nearly anything! It would make my day.
Anyways.*wipes away tears* what about you guys?