Ferris Wheel

Amusement Park

https://www.instagram.com/p/_yVCO-gxcS/

Tao wants to see his little girl, Boxuan, smiling and always laughing. He wants to be the cause of everything beautiful and wonderful in her eyes, so he will do anything to make her happy. It was as if she was his own. He loves her. He decides to take her to his favorite amusement park in order to make her happy. He doesn't exactly remember why it's one of his favorites, but it doesn't matter because he can't stop looking at her shocked and excited face at hearing he will be taking her today.       

They went on plenty of rides together, even the simple kiddie rides he was terrified of. He enjoyed every minute of it anyways because Boxuan was ecstatic and screaming with joy on all the rides. He suggested they go on the carousel next, to calm down from all the excitement. They get on the carousel together, hand-in-hand, and sit on one of the benches. The ride finally starts to move and Boxuan's face beams with her beautiful smile, the smile he loves seeing so much. Tao smiles as well, looking around at the intricate details and the colorful lights on the carousel. He looks out to the other side of the park and his smile cracks. He sees the one thing that instantly breaks his heart into a million pieces. Suddenly, he's reminded of why he loves this amusement park so much and everything around him seems to go in slow motion.

He remembers that ferris wheel all too vividly. He remembers his true love, his first love, the man he would love to death, and quite possibly the only man he would ever love this much: Kris. He remembered that it was this amusement park that brought them closer. They were at this amusement park with the other members. It was nearing the end of their time at the park so Kris took this time to go on one last ride with the man he had loved ever since he first laid eyes on him.

They went up in that ferris wheel together, their warm bodies pressed close together against the cool night air holding hands like they could never let go. Tao was amazed at the view over the park despite his terror regarding the height that was growing between him and the concrete. Kris silently stared at Tao and took in all of his beauty. He took in every detail, like how Tao would screech a little when he saw the park light up in a rainbow of dazzling colors at night. He was in a daze. He could stare at Tao all day, he looked so beautiful. He called Tao to look at him and their eyes locked onto each other. Kris could never get enough of Tao's panda-like eyes. They were sharp, and because of the natural dark circles Tao had, his natural eye color popped out even more. They stared at each other until the ferris wheel stopped at the top. The entire time their heartbeats seemed like the only thing that either of them could hear. It was deafening. Kris took Tao's head in his hands and leaned in. Tao closed his eyes and felt Kris' soft lips on his. If his heartbeat wasn't already the only sound he could hear, Kris could definitely hear it now. It felt as if Tao's heart would explode if Kris continued to kiss him like this, full of such emotion. It felt wonderful to finally be able to kiss Kris. He couldn't count on his fingers how many times he had wanted to kiss him. They finally separated when the ferris wheel moved again. Kris stared into Tao's eyes for a while, admiring his eyes once again before he said "I love you" and then gave Tao another kiss before the ferris wheel slowed to stop and they had to catch up with the other members.

But in reminiscing this, Tao realized he doesn't remember the last time he felt those lips on his. He doesn't remember how Kris' lips felt on his. He can't remember anything. And in now realizing that his once one true love wants nothing to do with him, doesn't even want to speak about him because of a stupid mistake Tao had made, he won't ever have that feeling he had in the ferris wheel again. He lost what made him happy, his best friend and lover. And he realizes now that he's been pushing all of this to the back of his mind just so he can make Boxuan happy.

He breaks. His smile instantly turns into tears before the Ferris wheel moves out of his view. He can't do this anymore. All of this pretending that he is okay. Pretending that he's happy just for the press, for his Hailangs who still love and support him. He needs to pretend he's still happy for them. He just can't do it anymore. His heart was broken already when Kris left him. He can't hold any more pieces of his heart inside of him. It's become too much for him. There's too much hurt. So much hurt that not even Boxuan can possibly fix him no matter how hard she tries. But he has to live with it. He has to live with the fact that his true love doesn't love him anymore. He has to live pretending he doesn't affect him anymore. When in reality, he's still his everything. 

Boxuan sees everything of course. She sees how his face falls. She sees how he puts his head into his hands and starts to sob uncontrollably. She has to continue to smile and laugh. For him. So he can smile and laugh again. Despite how hard he tries to hide this hurt from her, she hears him crying in the bathroom or in his room, always repeating "I'm sorry" or "It's all my fault." Once in awhile she even hears him say things like, "How stupid can you be? Saying that he betrayed you? You never knew anything. You should have kept your mouth shut. You're so worthless Tao." She hears everything. She knows that he is suffering. But all she can do is smile and laugh because she knows that when she smiles, he smiles as well.

This time, however, she knows this is different. She has never seen him go from smiling his brightest smile to sobbing in public in barely a second. She has no idea what could make him like this. All she can do is smile and tell him to look at other places within the carousel to distract him. She tries everything. But he always looks to the side at certain points and he looks even more broken than he was before. She feels helpless but she has to keep trying. So she can see him smiling again. She doesn't know how to get him out this time. He's too far gone now.

Tao can't stop crying. When it seems like he is out of tears, he sees the ferris wheel again and cries again. He knows Boxuan is trying to help him, but this time, there is no helping him. He knows he made the biggest mistake of his life. He made this clear to Kris despite him not even wanting to look at him. But Kris didn't want apologies. He had moved on and forgotten about him, Tao knew this all too well. Tao still needs Kris. But he can't ever have him again. Their many years of being together, down the drain. Nothing matters to Tao anymore. His world officially ended the day he thought Kris had betrayed him, the day he said that he felt hurt by his best friend when in reality, Kris was the one who was in pain because of SM. He never realized it until now. And the amount of regret Tao has within him is unbearable now.

Tao simply puts on his sunglasses and tries to hide his now puffy eyes. All Tao could think of are his days with Kris, and how happy he was with him. However, Tao has to bury his heartache and ignore the fact that his heart could explode at any second. Anyone could be watching him and recording everything that's happening. At that point he would have to explain himself and that is something he absolutely does not want to do.

He went through the rest of the day faking his smiles. He didn't want Boxuan to worry. She had already seen too much on the carousel. He wanted to seem okay for her so she could sleep peacefully and comfortably. But once she fell asleep, his tears came down once again. He thought about how hurt Kris was just being under SM. He thought about how he had made it worse by saying Kris had betrayed him so openly. He was ignorant, he knows that now. But it won't fix anything. He still doesn't have Kris. He doesn't have Kris to sleep next to or to just simply have his presence around him. With Kris, Tao was always smiling because Kris was his only friend when he first joined EXO. But now, that's gone. Broken. It's unrepairable. And Tao feels that he is starting to become unrepairable himself. He doesn't know what to do anymore. He's become numb to everything, but yet he still feels so much for Kris. He has no idea how much longer he can hold in the pain and guilt.

What he does know, however, is that he can think of nothing but Kris. Kris. Kris. That's who he had always needed when he'd become like this. He picks up his phone from his bed and stares at it. He has to do this. He needs to say what he has to say directly to Kris, not publicly over social media. Kris could easily avoid that. But if Tao were to call him, Kris wouldn't be able to avoid it. Hopefully. At this thought Tao's hands start to shake. 'What if he hangs up on me? What if he screams at me to never call him again? What if he doesn't want to hear it?" These thoughts raced through Tao's mind as he dialed the number that he remembers by heart despite SM making him erase the number long ago. All he has done since he left SM and EXO was dial the same number over and over again. He knew what it was like to be used and abused and he finally understood, too late, the pain Kris had gone through.

Hi everyone! Or to whoever finds this fic! This is my first work on wattpad but I have uploaded this on asianfanfics before. I wanted to post it here just so I know how wattpad works and the quirks of it. Anyway, tell me what you think of it! ^.^