Eyes On Her

Her

Why can't he look at me the way he looks at her?

Here we are in his room just goofing around, not giving a damn about deadlines and assignments. Just fun. He keeps on tickling me and I feel like I'm about to die out of laughter.  I couldn't breathe. It felt like the world doesn't matter anymore. I felt infinite. I always do when I'm with him.

"Haaaay nako." he smiled, "Sobrang kulit mo, Trisha!" Then he lay on his back then patted his chest gesturing for me to lay beside him. "Teka, akala ko ba may plates ka pang gagawin?"

I'm an architect student and with my field time is very demanding. Goofing around with deadlines just close enough for me to fail isn't an option, yet here I am. Wala e mahal ko yung tao. "Tsk! Gusto kita makasama. Miss na miss kita e!" I made a face. My pouty face.  This always gets him.

"Oh ayan na naman yang mukha mong sobrang nakakagigil." He hugged me tight. I bit his neck because I wanted to (I'm obviously childish so bleh). "Aray! Para saan yun?"

Para magising ka sa katotohanan na ako na ang kasama mo at hindi siya.

I laughed, "Wala lang trip ko. Bakit? May angal ka? Suntukan na lang o!" And we just goofed around some more.

I eventually got tired and just lay there still. He crawled up on me and I just stared at his eyes. His gorgeous eyes. Ones that can see past the beholder. My god, he is so beautiful. I cupped his face, feeling how familiar the shape of his cheek is. How soft and fragile and beautiful all at the same time.

"I love you, Jake."

"I love you, Trisha."

I couldn't breathe, again. My heart kept pounding as if I was in a race. Trying to run away from thoughts that haunt me. I felt a pain in my gut. And there I was trying to hold back my tears. It felt so cold and warm at the same time. His eyes were looking at me, but not seeing me. I knew it was her. It has always been her. Why?

"O, bakit ka naluluha? May masakit ba?" he asked. Yung puso ko. "Huh, wala. Sobrang mahal na mahal lang kasi kita." Our lips touched and I felt it. I felt pain and love at the same time. I couldn't hold it much longer. I cried and he just kissed me some more. I didn't want him to stop, but Tommy got home from school. As the eldest, he had to help his 8 year old brother with his bag and all.

He left me at the room 'cause I didn't want to go anywhere. I just wanted to stay where I as. "Babalikan kita. Asikasuhin ko lang si Tommy."

I knew it would take a while. So I decided to rummage through his stuff, also planning to organize them because it was cluttered. I took a box and just dove in. At the bottom part, there it was --- love letters, notes, pictures. I wasn't expecting all of this. Yes, I was. I thought he was over her. I knew he wasn't.

I knew it was wrong for me to touch 'em, but I couldn't resist. I opened a tiny envelope. One that has that familiar stationary scent we all used to smell during our elementary years. It contained this letter which had a million emotions to it. I started reading. Even before I got to the end of the first paragraph, I was already crying. I felt a knife stab me in my heart. The letter was for their 3rd anniversary.

"I want to wake up next to you, eat breakfast with you, get changed with you, watch movies with you in bed, hold your hand a walk anywhere, be with you at sunrise and sunset, cook for you, snuggle in bed, wear your hoody when I'm cold, look into your eyes, and kiss you goodnight"

I can't read anymore. Stop it, Trisha. You're only hurting yourself!

I didn't know what to do. I was so hurt and confused. I felt stupid. I just sat there, crying... thinking of him when he still had her. I thought of how he was when they were still together. How he kissed her at the same places he kissed me. How he smiled and laughed at her jokes. How he touched her cheek and stared at her eyes like how he does with me.

I let go of the letter and grabbed a photo of her. She was smiling so bright. Her eyes were glistening and so was his. He was sitting beside her, leaning closely to her ear with one hand covering it as if he was whispering something. As if he was whispering how much she meant to him. Ouch.

I wanted to rip the photo, but I couldn't. I felt so weak and vulnerable. All I could manage was to talk to the photo. I was talking to her in my mind...

Bakit? Bakit di mo na lang siya iwan? Bakit nandyan ka pa rin sa isip niya!? Ako na nga 'tong nandito, diba!? Ako na 'tong nagmamahal sa kanya pero bakit di niya ako makita? Bakit ikaw pa? Bakit ikaw pa hanggang ngayon? Ano ba dapat kong gawin para makalimutan ka niya? Lahat naman ginagawa ko na ah! Mary, please! Umalis ka na. Umalis ka na sa buhay niya!

I was screaming inside. I wanted to run away. I wanted to hide and just disappear from this world. This world that only brings pain. A world where happiness doesn't exist. A world where he only sees her and not me.

I was still crying when I realized, he was there hugging me. He was saying words I couldn't hear because my mind was baffling me. It felt as if my thoughts were covering my ears. I knew he was trying to calm me down. I knew he was telling me how much he loves me. I tried opening my eyes, but I felt so hurt. I didn't want to see how the scenario was going. I just wanted to pass out in his arms.

It took forever for me to calm down, but I was fine then. He was still holding me. It felt nice. I finally felt how important I was to him. I felt special.

I searched for his eyes even when my vision was still blurry from all the crying. He looked so worried, yet still beautiful. "I'm sorry." he said. I am, too.

"Trisha, whatever you're thinking right now, I want you to forget about it. You're all that matters to me, now. I kept those letters because they reminded me of who I was before. Before, I was lost even when she was there. I was struggling to find who I was, but all those stopped when I met you." He cupped my cheek and raised my head for him to see me. His words felt sincere.

"When she left me, you were there to help me get off the ground. You helped me clear off my mind and see the world at a different perspective. I thought my life was over, but you told me it wasn't. You brought light into my world. Even when I was shutting you down, you stayed beside me. You never left. And I thank you for that."

He kissed my forehead and wiped my tears with his thumb. "You are all I ever wanted, Tris. I would never ask for more. I want to be with you and spend the rest of my life with you." He took the box and was trying to look for something. "I know this might be a little early. It was supposed to be for our 1st anniversary, but it seems like now is the perfect time for me to give you this." He opened his hands and there lies a pretty silver ring with three diamonds. The center one slightly bigger than the other.

"Jake, w-what... what is this?" I had a million thoughts just running through and through. My heart was pounding, but it doesn't hurt. Oh my god.

He now looked serious, but I see his eyes and they were teary. He didn't went down on one knee, but he was holding both of my hands tightly. He was looking at me, and finally seeing me.

"Trisha, this day I promise you that I will always be by your side. Through ups and downs. No matter what happens I will never leave you. I promise to stay with you and love you in any way I can. I promise to visit you when you're sick. I promise to hug you when you're cold. I promise to hold your hand when you're scared. I promise to never waste a moment with you."

"Jake..." I whispered.

"Avigaile Trisha Ilagan, will you take this ring as a sign of my love and my promise?" He took my left hand and held it to his chest. "I promise to you my forever... will you accept it?"

Without hesitation, I said, "Yes."

"I love you."

"I love you."