Insecurities

Chapter Thirteen

Baileys POV:

     My thoughts are clouded and I want so much to just wave my hand like I do when I smoke around my girls and move the fog. I have to many thoughts making their rounds that I can't get them to stop moving for long enough to finish finding out the source as to why I feel like this. For so long I was able to live my life without having to worry about as much as I do now and I had grown use to it. I've grown along with my life back in Canada that being back here feels so foreign. There was no point in my life were I thought that I would feel more comfortable in a place that I never even considered moving to. Moving to Canada had been a surprise, but it was welcome because at least for a little while my thoughts were free to go about as they wished. 

     All that I want is to be able to do something, anything really that'll give me the freedom that I am so desperate for. I feel caged and all that I really want to do is be able to break the chains that surround my frame. I wouldn't say that they are fragile but that's not far off. I'm more brittle full of wear and tear. I'm at battle with myself and I have absolutely no idea why. I want to run again but I am so tired of running that even the thought of it makes me want to collapse from the task. At some point you have to look yourself in the mirror and say enough is enough and I feel like this is my time.  Another thing that I have become all to good at is hiding, hiding from the people who know me best but most of all hiding my thoughts from myself. I yearn for one thing but I won't allow myself to have it. I get to the point where I ache for it, I grasp at it with both hands but still I deny myself the happiness. I sabotage myself and in a way it brings me joy. 

     I need to do something with my hands, other then the times that I'm doing my course work I do nothing and I'm not use to it at all. I'm not one who is accustomed to sitting on my ass and it bugs me. All of the girls have gone out to eat but I had to decline because with my slacking it even took a toll on my schoolwork. I've been doing the bare minimum but now that I am all caught up I find myself sitting in the flat all alone. Picking up my phone I text the only person that I know, Louis. I know that they are all busy with promotion and all that comes with their lifestyle but I cross my fingers hoping that he isn't busy. 

    "Are you busy?"  Simple but effective, at least I hope. I sit on the couch twiddling my thumbs for an hour then two and finally I get the text that I've been missing. The bubbly boy has invited me and the girls to a movie night with him and some of the other members of his band. I laugh when I notice that he's stressed that Harry won't be there. It seems that there has been a large amount of turmoil ever since we went over there and I feel guilty because not only have I caused the distance between Louis and Harold but also the others as well. I found out that the only time that the boys have been seen together lately is when they absolutely have to be. During interviews and photo shoots and that the tension between the five of them is noticeable. A celebrity gossip channel has done a bit on it and they aren't far off and it's weird for me to think that I'm the one that's caused it. If only I was able to stop Mel, if on;y I wasn't weak and I told her that it wasn't the time or place for her to stand up for me. Yes, I love the fact that she did it because I wasn't able to and I still don't think that I am. Pulling a pair of sweats up my legs and  checking my ponytail I throw everything that I think I'll need into a back pack and head out the door. As I bob a little to a song that I don't really care for I once again try and make my way through the ongoing storm in my head. Driving into a gas station and filling up my tank I realize that I can't disturb their night empty handed. Slowly walking down aisle after aisle my hands are full and I'm satisfied. There is nothing that I love more than being one of the guys. Through all of my endeavors I found myself turning into a chameleon, shifting into what I need to be so I don't feel like I'm on the outside or that I am being judged.