Hazel Eyes

Prologue

I remember the way he had held me that day. I remember all the love that had filled my heart. Now as I stood here all of it was gone. I would no longer feel his arms. I would no longer have my heart filled with emotion from his being. I remember that day so vividly. I glanced back towards the shore and saw him lying there on his bottom staring at me. I smiled and tilted my head in an inviting way. I knew he didn't quite enjoy the beach, well the ocean for that matter, but I wished he would just pretend to enjoy the time we'd spent together. He smiled and waved back at me. I turned towards my brother and father as they played in the water. My grandmother grabbed my hand pulling me in a little deeper. I smiled and swam with her and felt a splash. I laughed and turned to my brothers face as he laughed holding up his hands. He assumed it was okay for him to splash others when he didn't want to be. I ignored his hands and splashed him anyways. He screamed as I grabbed him raising him out of the water. A grin spread across his face. He laughed as he saw setting behind me. I heard a low laugh coming from behind me. In curiosity, I turned placing him back in the water only to be greeted with salty liquid splashing against my face. I gasped as I rubbed my eyes and opened them back up carefully. I saw his smiling face looking at me waiting for my reaction. I smirked at him as I quickly splashed him back. I dunked my head underwater as I heard water fall above me. I peeked back up as more water hit my face. I smiled staring into his hazel eyes. I loved this boy. I wanted everything with him. And at that moment in time I thought I did have it all. I heard a small voice talking to his low raspy one. I glanced to him speaking to a small child wearing a colored eye mask. I walked through the water and reached his side. As I stood in place the young child said the word jellyfish. I felt his body tense. I knew he was afraid of those sea creatures. I reminded him that they were only the baby jelly and they weren't able to sting and cause one harm. He was still uneasy of the idea. I grabbed his hand and waved the little boy off as I walked out a little further. He was reluctant due to the thought of the dangers of the sea. I sighed releasing his hand swimming deeper on my own. He warned me not to but ignored him with a smile. He rolled his eyes swimming after me. He grabbed my hands as he caught up to me pulling my body against his. He wrapped his arms around my waist and I looked up to his face in a questioning manner. He told me he didn't want me to get hurt. I giggled at his obnoxious thoughts and he laughed along. He then told me he just wanted to hug me. I thought it was cute. I looked towards my dad who was smiling at us. My dad thought this boy was right for me. Even though he did have his doubts. I wish I saw what he did. He knew this would happen. But I never saw it coming. I was blinded by him. By the way he had made my heart flutter. I was stupid and young when he'd found me. Now here I stand feeling the smooth textures of sand under my feet as waves crashed onto my body. I could barely feel. My limbs were numb, as all feeling was lost. Nothing but pain had resided in every inch of my body. I missed him. I admit I'll cry over him everyday. But I'd never let him know that. I only wish as I see his face around campus I don't quiver my lip and fall to the ground. Only to have him stare at me as I'm weak, vulnerable. I once loved that boy. But as thoughts of him, untrue thoughts, filled my mind I grew a burning passion. Not lust, or love. But hate. I felt a strong hatred for his name, for his face, for his soul. I could no longer look at that brown haired boy the same, as he'd held my heart in his hand for months. Then decided  to squeeze more and more, adding pressure with each second that passed. Until it was gone. It's pieces had fallen to the ground. He was pleased. He could move on. His smile would still be real as it was plastered to his face. He would have the ability to laugh. He would be able to look at the world and I would never cross his mind. As for me I could do none of those things. I could barely walk. I'd trip over my feet. My world was upside down and I barely knew how to control my body. I could barley keep up with my work, as I continually messed up, writing the wrong thing, giving the wrong change. I couldn't think. All of the thoughts were about him. I'd remember everything that we'd been through. I remember every time we'd been together. In heart and in person. I remember all those times and I keep replaying them in my head as if I could somehow relive them and make them come to life again. As I sat and thought about them I felt tears reside on the brim of my eyes as I knew he'd never thought about these things. He'd never thought about the first date we'd been on. He'd never thought about the way he'd whispered to me, telling me how lucky he was to have me. He'd never thought about how he'd kissed me the first time, breaking down that barrier inside the both of us. He'd never thought about how he'd held me close as we walked because he wanted me closer than farther. He'd never thought about the way I had smiled and the way my face heated up as he told me he'd loved me. He'd never thought about the sweet memories we'd shared. He'd never think of them, past, present, and future. I was a toy. And now that I was broken he'd thrown me away. I had tried. I risked everything to keep him happy. Everything I had done was for him. He was always on my mind, I'd always put him first. I had tried. But my best wasn't good enough. I assume I could have done better at keeping a smile on his face and a flutter in his heart. But now I could never know if I was capable. He'd never look at me. He'd never give me a second glance just to smile. He'd never look in my eyes as he told me sweet nothings, that he loved me, that forever we'd be together. Once he'd promised always and forever. And stupidly, I obliged and agreed with him. I grabbed his pinky with mine shaking our hands, making a promise. Now that promise was faded in the past. Burning a hole in my brain and my heart. I'd forever be haunted of the presence of him. I'd forever be haunted by the thought of how he'd made me feel and all the things we'd experienced. As I think about it I regret it all. I regret giving myself to him. We were so very close to becoming one. And now that I stand here in the beating sun, as water hit my body in an unpleasant manner, I smile that I didn't choose to do that. But I'm still displeased with myself for showing him things. For telling him things. And for allowing us to trust each other on that higher level. I regret ever allowing him to touch me in ways I'd never been. And for pushing myself to do the same. I had regretted every touch, word, and kiss that had happened in those 6 months. I'm lying aren't I? I enjoyed them. I'm glad they happened. I wanted them to happen for the rest of my life if I were to tell the 100% honest truth. But now I'd never know how that would feel. I'd never get to feel waking up next to him. I'd never get to feel his lips every day. I'd never get to feel or experience everything that I had once wanted to. I have to admit I still want that. I wanted him to approach me and tell me he loved me. I wanted him to embrace my body and tell me he still craved me; that he craved my touch, my body, my feel. But now I know that those wishes may never come true. All the things I'd been promised and all the things I'd dreamed of were now out of reach. There were so close, but just out of my grasp. I wanted to jump to catch everything that I once had but with every minute that passes it slips farther out of my reach and adds another crack to my hollow heart.