Aftermath [winter soldier//Bucky Barnes AU]

Chapter Sixteen

SARAH'S POV

The room was dead silent.

After I came to, we were back on the plane, flying far away from the shipyard. Natasha told me that Ultron, Pietro and Wanda had escaped, but not before Wanda had infested our minds with scenes so terrifying that we were all still shaking.

I was furious at her. She had hit all of us where it hurt most, seemingly forgetting that she, too, had suffered greatly in her short life like the rest of us. You'd think that someone who'd been through a similarly terrible fate would never bring it upon another, but that's exactly what she did. I hoped to god that she was being manipulated, because if she was acting of her own free will, I'm not sure I'll be able to control my rage next time we meet.

I could still see Calypso in my mind- he beauty, her strength, her grace. Her gorgeous blue eyes that matched her father's perfectly. But I could also see her on the ground, choking on her own blood, a knife sticking out of her chest; her brainwashed, emaciated father pinning her down with emptiness in his eyes. I couldn't figure out which part of the hallucination had hurt me worse; watching my daughter die, seeing Bucky, my love, being transformed back into the very weapon he feared, or watching his nightmares bring about the death of our child. I knew Bucky would never do anything to hurt Calypso. But knowing that there may still be people out there who can bring his darkness back, who can take away everything he is and everything he has become.... well, it was terrifying. 

What if somehow someone was able to reset their Winter Soldier? What if someone got him to turn against his own family?

What if I couldn't do anything to stop them?

I shuddered at the thought and tried desperately to push it out of my mind. There was too much pain, too many what-ifs, too many things that could go catastrophically wrong in our lives. Dwelling on it would do nothing but make every day harder to get through. I had to try and focus on the good, no matter how difficult it was.

And as I tried to do just that- tried to think of the fact that Calypso is alive and safe and so is the man I love- I looked around me, and my heart collapsed all over again the second I locked eyes on Bucky and Steve.

Steve was our leader, the fearless man who always kept a level head and stuck by his ideals no matter what. He rarely ever broke down, and when he did get sad, Natasha, Bucky and I were always there for him. But something had broken inside of him this time. Whatever image Wanda had conjured up had been enough to shake this man to his core.

He was crying. I had only seen him cry a single time before, and that was when he thought he'd lost Bucky again. He was sitting in the corner of the room on one of the tables, eyes unblinking and muscles frozen. His eyes were hollow. I hadn't heard him speak since we faced Ultron. It scared me how shattered he looked- sitting there with tears rolling silently down his cheeks- and I stood up from my spot on the floor after a few moments, deciding I could bear to see him like this anymore. Bucky and him needed someone right now more than ever.

I sat beside him on the counter, watching his face carefully for any movement. He didn't so much as blink. Worried about his well-being, I wrapped an arm around his shoulders and pulled him to me in a side hug. After a few moments, he finally reacted, curling into me with sagged shoulders and a body racked with sobs. He let himself go for the first time in years and cried desperately into my shoulder. I squeezed him tightly, scared that he wouldn't ever fully recover from whatever he saw. I've never seen him this shaken up before.

His head was on my shoulder, his eyes shut tightly against the war raging in his mind. His arms were wrapped around my waist, and I could feel his fingers gripping my shirt for dear life. He was shaking violently. Each sob racked his body and made my heart sad.

He was muttering things I couldn't understand, and he was so lost to the world that I didn't bother asking him what was wrong. He was at a point where words just couldn't help anymore. But if I listened carefully, I think I could just barely make out the name Peggy. And that made me immediately understand why Steve had finally snapped.

I kept holding him and stroking his hair. From where I was, I could just barely see Bucky, and now I was realizing that Bucky was quite possibly in a worse state than Steve.

Bucky was laying in the fetal position on the floor, his body seizing violently as he closed his eyes and spoke rapid Russian words to himself. I couldn't even begin to imagine the things he had seen when Wanda has gotten to him. He was hurting, and all I wanted to do was run to him and help him stop seeing red, but Steve needed saving too. Nobody else on the plane was capable of helping, so I had to step up and save two people whom I couldn't live without all on my own.

"Peggy......Peggy, I'm so sorry......" Steve sobbed into my shirt, completely and utterly breaking down. Our fearless leader had finally hit rock bottom, and it scared me real bad.

"Shhh Steve, it's alright. It was just a trick. It wasn't real. I'm here," I whispered to him, trying to somehow break through and calm him down.

"She's gone. I won't ever get her back," he mumbled, and my heart broke all over again. I was suddenly even more thankful that I had Bucky in my life and that he was alive and well. I had no idea how Steve could go on after losing someone who meant so much to him, because I know for a fact that I would not be able to live without Bucky with me.

I held Steve for maybe twenty seconds longer before I noticed that Natasha had been able to stand, and she was walking over to me. She looked utterly exhausted. She gestured tiredly to Steve.

"Go to Bucky. I'll hold Steve," she croaked.

I nodded, trading places with Natasha without a moment's hesitation. Steve hardly even looked up, but I could tell that he immediately knew it was Natasha sitting with him by the way his muscles relaxed when she wrapped her arms around his waist. The two are very different, but also very similar, and knowing that they had each other to turn to on rough days made me happy.

I turned away from them and immediately headed towards Bucky, who still lay shaking and sweating on the floor. His hands curled in and out of fists, and his eyes were shut tightly closed.

"Not my fault....don't wipe me, not again...." he murdered, and I leaned down, gently placing my hand on his cheek and softly rubbing it. I expected him to lash out at me because he thought I was a part of his nightmare, but instead his eyes snapped open in surprise, as if a soft touch was completely foreign to him. The second he locked eyes with me, he grabbed my hand and pulled me down so I was laying nose to nose with him. I wrapped my hands around his jaw and traced his lips. He was breathing hard.

"Shhh baby. Breathe. I'm here," I said. He nodded ever so slightly, closing his eyes again and nestling in close to me.

No more words were exchanged after that, but again words just sometimes aren't enough. Sometimes the only thing that can help is a warm embrace.

His arms were tight around my waist but I felt warm and loved and safe, not hot or claustrophobic. He smelled of metal, sweat and blood. I tucked a piece of his hair behind his ears.

We laid there like that for a long time. The entire plane was silent as everyone fought mental battles as opposed to our typically physical ones.

And despite being as tired as can be, I didn't dare shut my eyes, because I can no longer afford to when I have so many people to protect.

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