Story Of My Life.

I'm scared Connor

29th August 2016

Things have been up and down lately. There are parts of my life that are amazing and parts of my life that are complete and utter shit. To be honest, there is far more bad than good but it has got easier.

I haven't written in this book for a while because every time I think about writing, I over think and get panic attacks. Its been happening a lot recently but I'm learning how to control it all. I think the reason I've finally plucked up the courage to write again is because I know it will be good for me. And also to show the world that life can get pretty hard but it will get better, it might not be tomorrow, it might not be next week, hell it might not even be next year. But it will.

I'm just gonna go back about an hour. Tell you what happened.  I was lying on my bed after a tiring day at work and I was just listening to music, when out of blue, I went into a terror. No reason for it, no explanation. It just happened.

"Connor, I'm scared. I don't want them to hurt me. Don't let them hurt me"

"I'm scared to starr. Just don't make any noise, don't not let them. It will make it worse."

"But it hurts" I said with tears rolling down my face.

He pulls me in for a hug, I can smell the sweat on his unwashed shirt and the stench of our home. I find it comforting even if its gross. I feel the warmth of my big brother through his shirt, I feel his heart beat. Its fast. I know he's scared. Petrified but we both know there's nothing we can do.

"Going soft are we Connor. You're pathetic you know that? Put her down and get your ass over here!"

Connor hesitates and looks me in the eyes. He knows that it only makes the situation worse but I know what he's doing. He's talking to me. Telling me not to kick up a fuss. Do everything I can to keep it easy.

"I SAID GET YOUR GOD DAMN ASS OVER HERE!" Kevin shouts startling me. Connor knows not to mess with Kevin, Darren. Or any of the men that abuse us. So he obeys and silently walks over. I see darren looking at me with his evil eyes.

"Starr baby, come see darren. He wants a hug" Darren says to me. "We have a few friends coming over later on, they want to see you and your brother again. They're very excited" He states with a shine in his eye.

I see connor staring at me in the corner of my eye, he thinks I'm going to react, he thinks I'm gonna try and run. But I dont have the effort. So I go over to him and brace myself for the hellish night that I'm about to experience.

"Kev, is the camera on? I need to make sure that tonight is filmed. I have people waiting you know. Its been a week" Darren snarls.

"Its on, Chill" Kevin replies laughing. He eyes me and connor. "They're gonna like what they see tonight"

Even though it isn't real. I still feel the pain, I still hear the voices. Its like it's happening all over again. I find it too hard to go into detail any more because it just makes it worse. I hate it.