Today is November 7th 2013. My love for life and everything in it and to come has gone like a black bird taking flight. My life.. You might say its a good one, but you don't know the truth about my family. I have a boyfriend and he helps me through this depression but sometimes it just isn't enough.
I woke up to a groggy start, I had awoken to the feeling of heaviness in my chest. I concentrated and found that my heart was aching. Weird...
I sat up and saw it was 6:59am. I thought for a moment on if to go back to bed or not. A sharp pain made me hiss and I looked at my arm. Three marks. Three long horizontal, red marks on my skin. "Whaaaat..."
Then I remembered last night. Silver. Pain. Blood. Heartache.
I had cut myself slowly. The blood rushing to my cheeks as well as seeping from my arm like a faucet on drip. I had pressed a napkin to it until it stopped bleeding. Instead of showering I had jumped in bed with a sore heart.
I looked around the dark room and bit my lip before getting up and grabbing my outfit for school. 20 minutes later I'm wearing a long sleeve plaid shirt that was my brothers or my grandpas, I can't remember. Under that is a black spaghetti strap. I have on well fit jeans and socks. My hair is damp from my quick shower and looks black. I brush my teeth. I then go to my room and gather my school work and stuff it in my big binder. I set my binder in my purple backpack as well as a purple brush. I swing my backpack on my shoulder and head downstairs to my mom and two siblings. They are ready to leave to school and I grab food to go. A while later I am in the van with my sister and mom to drop off my sister. "I like that bumper, it says got hope" says my christianized mother nonchalantly. I don't bother to find which one she's looking at. "This isn't a coincidence. First I see the bumper and now this song is talking about hope. God must be trying to talk to us" she says and taps the radio. I again, don't bother to listen to the lyrics, I'm lost in my thoughts.
Me. That's who God is telling about hope. He doesn't want me to give up hope.. My life starts to clear up just a little bit and my eyes water. He wants me to know not to give up. "Okay, I'll wait for my time Big Man" I whisper to myself. I blink back the tears and I gather my strength. One more string seemed to be added to my life, I'm holding on to my life by two strings now. I give a small smile.
When I arrive at school it's the same thing every morning. I'm bored and the time goes quickly. I sigh and go to class sadly. After Geometry I head to P.E./ A.K.A. Hell if your in Mr. holds class. I am lost in thoughts and talk to my friend Meleena to stay focused on the now. I as her questions during the run. I hesitantly go to a topic that leaves me unsettled. Cutting.
She answers my questions and then the dreaded question comes from her mouth "why are you asking?"
I pull my arm in my P.E. shirt but not fast enough. She gasps and wraps her arms around me. She asks other questions and I answer them, feeling somewhat okay. Until she gives me a look that makes me stiffen. It's a cross between pity and sadness. I don't like that look and lower my head to look at my knees. I stay like that and occasionally glance over at her to see her looking at the red marks on my arm. The ugly red marks. She slides off this wrist warmer looking thing (it looks cool in my opinion) and hands it to me silently. I nod and slide it up my arm to cover the marks. I hate the cuts. But they bring me peace. Soon the period is over and a light sheen of sweat is on my back from playing soccer (it's called Grid Ball for Mr. Hood) and I change back to regular clothes.
The rest of the day goes smoothly except for a bit of a temper with a guy in my class. I'm pretty sure I made it clear who he was messing with. He backed off pretty quickly and if I'm a judge of things I can say he was a tad intimidated. Then at lunch with a guy that had me scowling at him. I didn't want anyone touching my body. I only allow my boyfriend to get that close to me, only allowing him limited access of course; I am only 13.
During sixth period I crack my back, stretching, and my body seems to stiffen a bit and I let out a breathy noise; it sounded like a small moan and had a few people looking at me. When they realize I was stretching they look away. I settle back in my chair.
After school I'm walking home with my boyfriend, he seems lost in his thoughts. He starts talking and I listen, smiling at the right times and saying stuff when I need to. Eventually we are both talking and walking to my house. My boyfriend is so sweet; he walks me home. He's always worried about me. I find that cute. When we arrive at my house I walk inside and tell my grandma I will be outside, then I go outside and lie on the sidewalk with my boyfriend. We don't talk for a while. Eventually we do.
My sister comes outside and we play with her. She's 8, turning 9 on December 27th. We all have fun until we have to go inside.
My boyfriend is having his dad pick him up from my house. When he leaves my house I run outside and jump on his back, in front if his dad and laugh after I get off him and run inside with a quick "bye!"
Depression settles in when I'm alone. I lie around and check through my stuff before taking a shower. Afterwards, I eat. Now it's time for bed but I know I won't be able to sleep for a while. I am waiting for sleep to take me like a murderer in the night.
~~~~~~~~well. I'm tired and sleep won't take me ;c I thought I would make an autobiography. So I did.. It sucks I know. I don't expect anyone to read it. Anyways, if you do, give me input? Aye and the pic is my arm. "Depression is a flaw in chemistry, not character"
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