The 5 Stages (Attack on Titan x Male!Reader)

Gives You Hell

(Warning: Little bit of cursing)

(y/n) groaned as he sat up in bed. "What happened?" He covered his eyes, "And why is it so bright?"

"Good morning sleepy head!" Hanji yelled barging into (y/n)'s room. (y/n) groaned again and covered his ears.

"Why are you so damn loud?" Hanji placed down the tray she was carrying.

"I brought you my famous hangover cure," Hanji said handing him a glass.

"What do you mean hangover? I don't drink..."

"Haha sure~, drink this," Hanji said handing him a glass. (y/n) took a sip then immediately spit it out.

"What the hell is this?" (y/n) was spitting out the remaining foul drink.

"My famous hangover cure," Hanji beamed, "You were pretty drunk last night."

"I told you I don't drink," (y/n) spat.

"Ooooh, you don't remember do you?~" Hanji smiled evilly.

"Remember what?"

~Timeskip to Last night~

"I mean she left me," You drunkenly sobbed, "It's hard to lose a loved one, one you loved so much and they're just ripped from you! Do you know what that's like?" Levi still had on his blank expression as you rambled on.

"Man, Corporal (last name)'s a mess," Eren commented as they watched you sob.

"I wish there is something we can do to make him feel better," Christa sighed. Ymir pinched her cheek.

"Aww you're so cute"

Hanji came up to the the same group, "Well Christa, I have just the thing," She held up a bottle of wine.

"Won't that just make it worse?" Jean said.

"I've known (annoying nickname) for years, he has 5 stages of being drunk."

"Which are?" They group asked.

"First is grief," Hanji glanced at you, "I guess that one's covered...Second ager, third flirty, and fourth The Fourth Wall."

"What's the last one?" Admin asked.

"I dunno, he's never reached stage 5," Hanji held her chin, "But maybe it's something good..."
"So are we going to do the plan?" Hanji asked looking up.

"Do we really have a choice?"

"No"

~Timeskip 10 min later~

"Fuck you, Jenny! I really loved you!" You were standing on a table swinging the almost empty wine bottle around, "I thought you loved me! You didn't even wait till I was dead to cheat on me!"

"Stage Two: Anger," Hanji checked that off her list. The other soldiers in the room watched you scream your feelings. You quickly pulled out your phone(there's phones in this deal with this)

"I loved you! How could you? I hope you enjoy your new boyfriend, Darrell," You spat into the phone.

"Wait, is he calling Jenny?" Hanji looked up from her clipboard, "Oh no..."

You took another sip from the bottle. "You know what?! I moved on too!" You jumped off the table and started making your way towards Christa. Ymir moved her out of the way causing you to bump into Armin.

"Uh, Corporal?" Admin asked nervously as you stared at him.

"This is the sound of me moving on!" You yelled into the phone before crashing your lips onto Armin's. You pulled away, "Her name is Armin and she's the love of my life!" You got down onto one knee and took Armin's hand, "Ma belle noix de coco jaune, tu parles comme un aigle majestueux putain! (My beautiful yellow coconut, you sound like a majestic fucking eagle!)" You pulled a rose out of thin air and gave it to Armin.

"Wait, he can speak French?" They gasped. You continued speaking in French. They turned to face Levi who was still sitting by the bar.

"What?" Levi asked.

"Can you translate?" Hanji asked. Levi sighed.

"He's just saying random shit hoping it sounds French," Levi turned back to his tea.

"Well we can check Stage Three: Flirty off the list," Hanji crossed it off.

"Uh, A-A little h-help?" Armin asked as you kissed up his arm.

"Ma belle aigle(my beautiful eagle)," You pulled a small velvet box out of your pocket, "Armin Evelyn Arlert,"

"Why'd I tell you my middle name?" Armin inwardly groaned.

"Will you marry me?" You looked into his eyes.

"Uh..." Armin swear dropped. You quickly let go of his hand and turned back to the phone.

"That's right we're getting married! You're not invited to the wedding! Oh wait you can come so you can see how happy we are and feel bad for losing someone as awesome as Armin! Wait..."

"Okay, time to take this away," Hanji said trying to take your phone. You held it out oh her reach, "(y/n) give me the phone. J-just give me the phone. Give me the phone...GIVE ME THE PHONE!" You put an innocent look on your face and handed over the phone.

"Okay, he should be entering the 4th stage..." Mikasa looked over the clipboard. You continued to sit on a chair with a blank expression while the cadets and Hanji watched.

~Mini time skip 5 min later~

"This isn't boring at all," Jean crossed his arms.

"He probably needs a little more," Hanji said pouring you a little more wine. You took a sip.

"Am I catholic or protestant, god I don't know..." You said before face planting into the table.

"Is he okay?" Sasha asked.

"Stage Four: The Fourth Wall," Hanji smiled.

"You don't know me!" You quickly sat up, "I'm United bloody Kingdom and I could hold my liquor better than you any day!"

"Woah, calm down," Reiner said trying to calm the raging Corporal.

"Shut up!" You pointed to Reiner, "I felt bad about how old frog face was treating you so I saved your ass!" Reiner had on a confused expression as you continued rambling nonsense. "I thought we could be friends and bond over our mutual hatred for France, but nooooooo!" You grabbed onto his shirt, "I thought we could be friends! Why don't you understand meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee-Oh look Karaoke" You quickly let go and turned toward the stage.

~Timeskip after Karaoke~

"Last Stage" They crowded around you.

"I don't see what's so interesting about me," You said, " Unless you want me to sing again- GOD BLESS AMERICA!" You quickly stood up and began to sing. Hanji pulled you back down.

"No, we're good," She chuckled nervously, "How about you have another?" Hanji pushed a glass towards you.

"Okay, but this is my last one," You said and took a swig. Everyone was on the edge of their seats waiting for what you would do next. Just as you opened your mouth you passed out.

"All that...for nothing?!" Connie slapped his forehead. Everyone sighed and got up to leave.

"Where you guys going?" Hanji asked.

"To bed, it's late"

"And we're tired"

"But who's going to-" They all left. "-help me carry (y/n)?..." Hanji sighed before turning to you passed out form. "Well, looks like it's only you and me (annoying nickname)...come on, up we go," She slid her am under you and picked you up carrying you back to bed.

~Timeskip to next morning~

Erwin picked up his phone.

"You have 78 new voice messages"

"What?" Erwin hit play for the first message.

"I loved you!-" Erwin held the phone away from his ear as (y/n)'s voice screamed into it. Erwin skipped to the next message.

"Take me back please!" Erwin sighed and continued to skip messages.

A chorus of voices came through the phone, "When you see my face
Hope it gives you hell
Hope it gives you hell
When you walk my way
Hope it gives you hell
Hope it gives you hell
When you find a man that's worth a damn and treats you well
Then he's a fool you're just as well
Hope it gives you hell"

Erwin sighed and buried his face in his hands as he listened to (y/n) lead the survey corps in song.