This Book Has No Name

Chapter One

September 9th, 2012

  I could feel his warmth through my whole body. His hands were wrapped around me and I could barely breath, but I liked it. It gave me a feeling of safety, that no one could ever get to me, to us. He was taller than me and I could feel his heart beating fast. After a few minutes he let me go. "I'm sorry, Cory." he said. I tried to look him in the eyes, but it was too hard.

  The night was cold though it was just the beginning of the month. I must confess, I wasn't ready for this type of news. Or any news. I don't like changes and from all the people I know, he knows it best. "You can't leave. Not now.." I managed to raise my head, still avoiding eye contact.

"I don't want to leave. They're making me do it" he said. He was calm as always. I guess I've never heard him raising his voice at someone.

"Try and talk to them. Maybe they'll understand.."

  When he was nervous, he always did this thing with his fingers. He was snapping them hard and the noise was just so annoying. " It's not that easy"

"Come on, Ryan. You're not even trying" I was angry at him. Angry that he didn't do anything to make this work, to make us work. Sometimes I was wondering if he really liked me or felt anything at all. And other times I just knew that we were meant to be together and I couldn't let this go to waste.

"Oh, please. How do you know I'm not, huh? What the fuck do you know?" Now he was mad. He clenched his fists.

  We were standing so close to each other and yet it felt like we were so far away. I couldn't stand that. "Shut up, Ryan" I had to fight the urge of hitting him in the face because I wanted it so bad.

"I must leave anyway. I'll call you when I get there"

"Yeah, okay" I turned my back and left.

  I felt bad for leaving him like that. It wasn't his fault after all, not mostly. I mean, if his parents wanted him to attend a boarding school, he should have said something. It was our last year in high school, this doesn't even make sense. Unlike my parents who got over the fact I was gay, his reacted pretty bad. And when I say pretty bad I mean really bad. Long story short, my mom ruined everything as always.

  And here I was, walking alone to my house that is so far from his and I hate that I left. I hate everyone, I hate Ryan and my mom and myself. I hate myself for leaving him like that, for not trying enough. I hate my life.

  Ever since we started hanging out, I got this weird feeling that he was a flake, that he was going to let me down when things got difficult. And he somehow proved that I was goddamn right.