My Wedding Date (ManxMan)

Your Ghost

You ever had that dream where you know you were happy? Like, you feel that sense of happiness overwhelm you that makes you cry? It makes you cry in your dream and then you realize that you actually are crying on your pillow. Ever have that?

What about that dream where you meet someone and you fall in love with them, but as soon as you wake up, you can't remember their face? Or what about the one where the Pope is chasing you on the rooftop with a bible and holy water? Ever have any dream so vivid that it makes you jolt awake?

I have. Plenty. They always feel the same, and some I can't remember, but others I do. Vividly.

There is this reoccurring dream I have had since I was 11. I would like to say that it's just a bad dream, but it's not. It's an embarrassing memory I've tried so hard to forget, but obviously that's not going to happen.

It never starts the same, but the ending is always the same. I'm 11, and I'm on the bus waiting for the bus driver to open then door, so we can go inside. The bus is packed like a can of sardines and I'm pushed against the window by my two best friends: William and Becca. Since we were small, and didn't mind literally sitting on each other's laps, we had to threeway it in the mornings. William is mad at Becca and me for not inviting him to play on Becca's trampoline.

Like. Really mad. Which is weird because he rarely ever got mad. Well, towards Becca and me at least. I remember being squished by William, since Becca didn't want to go in the middle and figured it might help William loosen up. I don't remember why we didn't invite him, but in my dream I am dying to tell him why. But I can't. I'm not supposed to.

Then my dream changes to the library where we wait until the first bell. Becca said she had to go do something and would see us at lunch. William was still upset with us, but not as mad as he was on the bus.

So we're sitting on one of those beanbags talking, but I can't hear anything that we talked about. But I know I had to tell him something very important. We get cut off by the Bell and then we are suddenly in P.E., even though it was the last class of the day for William and me.

In P.E. we are playing crab soccer, which was our thing. William and I were always in synch with each other on the soccer field, that playing together on these games made it more interesting for us. I'm on one side, and he's on the other. We're both playing midfield and it's harder to score while walking staring at the ceiling on your hands and legs. William and I somehow collide and I know that this never could have happened because then it would really suck.

I lean in to kiss William. Out of nowhere, I lean in to kiss him! But when I pull back, his face is dark and scary. I look around me to see if anyone saw, but everyone is gone. It's just him and me and he's glaring at me. William yells at me to leave him alone and that he never wants to see me again waking me up. It's always the same ending. He's always angry at me.

I wake up in tears some nights. Most nights I wake up with a jolt that I have to get out of bed and do something- anything to get the feeling gone. I guess it's no longer just any dream. It's a nightmare.

It's a nightmare because when I wake up, I remember how I ended our friendship. I remember how I broke the three of us up. It's a nightmare because I will always know that feeling of being hated by my first love, by my best friend.