Hello, Richard: The Secret Correspondence

80 Monday - Aug 8, 2016 | 3:49AM

Hello, Alden.

I cannot begin imagining how much pain I'm causing you. And I feel so horribly, so truly awful that your heart is breaking right now.
How will I ever make it up to you when you find out about my lies?

I am selfish for wanting to escape the sure consequence of this charade I started. I am selfish for starting this entire mess in the first place. And worse, I am selfish for letting my fucked up feelings interfere with my honest intentions.

I only really wanted to be that someone you can talk to. I thought that maybe you just needed a friend detached of the usual celebrity hero worship: someone to like you and treat you as yourself, and not as the big-time celebrity that you are.

How can you think that the beautiful, sensitive, thoughtful and caring person in Richard Faulkerson, Jr. will ever be overpowered by the Heartthrob Alden Richards?

I knew then that you were lonely. I saw it in your eyes, I felt in your guarded movements and I noticed it in the way you kept to yourself, tucked in the corner couch reading God-knows-what in that cellphone of yours. For a moment, I would see interest cross your face and then the usual indifference again. I saw you go from hopeful to disinterested a dozen couple times and every time you got disappointed, a part of me resented it as well.

It was upsetting, having to see you be willing to rest your faith in total strangers; trusting them to listen your stories, your dreams, and your jokes. So, I thought... I'm a nice person, I can fill that spot, if only to save you from even more strangers, so why not me?

I never expected for us to catch heat, and to do so very quickly, Alden. I have not, never in my wildest dreams, expected for myself to let go and freely succumb to any degree of bodily tension. My eyes shut tight and my whole body vibrated with anticipation whenever we talked, and I could not stop myself from enjoying every second.

Truth be told, it scared me so much, Alden. It frightened me realizing that with every little flame you made me feel, it seemed like my whole world was lit on fire.

Richard's Dei is fearless, fierce and powerful. But it breaks me accepting Maine will never be like her. Not even close.

But honestly - whether it's Dei or Maine - I fear that I already love you.

And I cannot say sorry enough.

>> Message sent to Drafts.
>> Draft sent to Trash.