DISINTEGRATED.

Seconds turn to minutes and minutes to hours, when the world full of darkness has fallen asleep my heart lays awake. The moons' outstretch monochromatic gleam welcomed itself through the naked glass, laying itself directly on the cold sheets of my bed. And my heart yet again shatters into tiny little pieces of nothing. At times I ponder over my existence, as many atimes as I break, I somewhat still remain existent though there are days I desire otherwise. I stare at the moon's reflection that now occupies the empty space beside me and hot tears begin to stream down my tired burning eyes.
He left me.

Nov1915 at approximately 11:55pm my life took a turn from terrible to the worst. Unaware yet finding it difficult to survive, every sunrise with its sunset, The love of my life closed his hazel eyes and whatever kept him alive fell asleep for eternity. He loved the moon and I loved the sparkle lit skies and all that it contains. Nights on end I had prayed for the blessing in disguise that had been snatched away from me within his numbered days.  And it is only to my realization that nothing is more frightening that receiving what you desire, for that is when you surely gain to lose. My entire existence I had claimed to have knowledge of love and loved, yet I knew not. For he, my love had thought me its true meaning. They say one is incapable of love till one loves oneself.  LIES, for I had never loved myself. But him? GOD knows I had loved him so much I had forgotten what hating myself felt like. And I had not known true heartache till the dark hour. The hour his beautiful innocent soul was turned in.

The memories a fresh layer of paint reeking through my mind, as though it were yesterday, for the freshly painted images hadn't left my constantly occupied mind since the hour it had dawned upon me. I watched and waited , air trapped in my lungs, heart hoping, yearning to see his face fill with color. Perhaps once more to the many atimes in the future, but to no avail. He possessed such strength, even I couldn't comprehend. "DISINTEGRATED" a word that best describes me. None had the ability to mend but he. I couldn't possibly survive without him close to me, couldn't face another day all by myself. With him, when night would fall it would last for an eternity, a rising sun was nonexistent. The flashbacks on repeat providing no peace of mind-
His burnt bronze soft curled hair, his delicate skin, his naturally pouted pink lips, his smile, his laugh, his eyes. I constantly knew he was special. He had galaxies in his eyes yet not a single star in mine. I witnessed his destruction and was left to wonder why. With the inevitable knowledge of the future I possessed that which I no longer possess. Hope. Though the stars shone in his eyes I failed to see the cracks, only to realize a stars light shines the brightest when it's due to collapse. Surely it remains  impossible to find beauty and love like his.
For certainly my love had died with him.