A Note To My 13-Year-Old Self

Dear Me

Dear 13-year-old me,

I see you sitting there on the ground, a wall of gray  against your back. You're glancing up at the faces of people you've never seen before making sure to avoid eye contact. You're on the outside looking in. While you sit there you're considering all the things that brought you to this point of disappointment and despair. All you can think is how are you going to make it through this? 

You sit there feeling alone and isolated. You have no friends and your family is fractured. Your dad has left, your mother works more than she's home, and your brother has pulled away. You think how am I going to make it through this?

You sit there wondering why you had to move to that god forsaken town. The town with one grocery store and a pizza place. You hate pizza. You're house looks like something out of the game of life. You know the card, the one with a crack down the middle that looks like the tectonic plate shifted right underneath it. It's unstable, ready to collapse at any moment into the rubble that is your life. You miss your old house, your old home and all you can think is how am I going to make it through this?

You sit there ashamed of your appearance. You keep eating those bags of chips, those fruit by the foots, those powdered white donuts just trying to ignore the pain.  You couldn't run a mile if your life depended on it.  You sit on your couch watching the t.v. ignoring the world around you. You wonder why your life can't be like the lives of those people on t.v. What have you done to deserve this? How am I going to make it through this?

I know you feel lost and alone. I know you've lost faith in the idea of marriage, in the idea of a happy ending.  I know you think you can't turn your health around, that you will never be able to be the person you wish you could be. I honestly can't blame you. I can't tell you that you're over reacting. I can't tell you that you're pain isn't real. I can't tell you that things will go back to how they were. What I can tell you is that things will get better.

I'm writing to you today to tell you that you can and will make it through this. You are at one of the lowest points of your life. So what you need to do is to stand up and take control. Know that you will make it through this.

I am sitting here today with the man of your dreams. You were married last summer in the wedding that you always dreamed of. Your family was there and guess what, they were happy too. Dream big, you will make it through this!

I am sitting here today listening to your son's precious laugh. You will wake up everyday to a smile that spreads across his entire face and can't help but have one on your own. You will laugh again, many times. Like when you agreed to name your son after a Starwars character after having a long in depth conversation with your husband about why you won't name your son after Batman. Could you imagine having a baby named Bruce?  Laugh often, you will make it through this!

I am sitting here today in the house you and your husband own on an amazing piece of land. You will be relaxing on your favorite lawn chair later with a good book in your hands as you watch the wild life move around you and the sun make its way across the sky.  Relax, you will make it through this!

I am sitting here wondering where you will run your next 5k. Where you will ride your bike next. What mountains you will hike so you can spend the night under the stars with your perfect little family. Work hard, you will make it through this!

Your journey will be long and it won't be easy. You will still have your good days and your bad. You will still feel lost sometimes and wish somethings could have been different. But you will never feel alone or unloved. You will have a home again and you will be happy. Because one day you will be me and I made it through it. 

With love, from your future self