Gentle Relief

TIMELINE | after the war RATING | sfw | DATE 8/9/2016, 3:42 am

I watch Sakura momentarily as she crumbles into her pillow, eyes squeezed tightly closed as she grips the white sheets. Sweat beads appear across her forehead and I wonder what she's so upset about.

"Sasuke!" she cries. I flinch in the doorway and immediately come to her bedside, almost falling from my own hindering wounds, but catch myself and sit softly down next to her restless body. I place my hand on her face, she's still fast asleep and tossing. Did she really say my name?

"Sasuke!" she yelps, and curls back on her side. I'm sure of myself now, I reach out and gently nudge her shoulders. Her sleepy green eyes open slowly, searching the dark hospital room for clues. She focuses on me and her face lights up; she's breathing so heavily.

Sliding up in bed, she pulls away, as if she's scared to touch me. I don't know how to tell her I'm not an illusion, I'm not leaving her again. "Sasuke, what're you doing here," she rubs her eyes, careful of the IV, "is Naruto okay? Did something happen?"

I look at Sakura and gratitude floods through me. She blushes, looking down, then bravely back into my eyes. "Sasuke..?"

I consider myself; I've always thought long and hard about a lot of things, but never really thought about how to say them, I've never needed to.

"Sakura...an apology won't suffice for the trials I've made you endure with me. I often thought about you, but tried not to...," how exactly could I put my thoughts into words? I sighed, struggling. "Sakura, I will never put you through something like that again," I looked back into her soul, too. She stared at me, with a serious face and ever forgiving eyes.

Sakura reached out and clutched my hand, so much bigger than hers. "Sasuke, you don't have to apologize to me," she smiled, the moonlight leaking in the curtains dripped down her face and long, dark eyelashes. "You did what you had to do! Naruto and you are safe and home and that's what matters. I know, you had to go after what was eating you from the inside," her voice dwindled, as if she was losing her nerve. " I just wish.. I could have been of more help." She smiled at me again, this time less genuine, and quickly looked back down at her other hand, resting on her lap.

I squeezed her hand once and twisted my body so that I would lay on the bed next to her. She slid over, flustered, but didn't question me. I wrapped my one arm around her and caught her eye, as she looked at me, her pink lips parted and she gasped lightly. My eyes morphed, deep red stricken black and I ignored the sting behind them. It was in that moment that I showed her the thoughts I couldn't bare to speak aloud.

The first memory I had of Sakura, admiring her pink hair. The one time I asked big brother how to talk to a special girl. I skipped the parts of drowning, around the time of my clan's falling, skipping to the time when we fought Zabuza. I showed her how she stayed in the back of my mind when Naruto and I were battling, and when I woke up and she was laying on top of me on Naruto Bridge, how I hadn't really minded her, it's just that the needles were bothering me.

In real life I looked over at her, her gaze was lost somewhere in my genjutsu, and her emerald eyes sparkled, her mouth partially open in awe of my secrets. I smiled a little, moving on.

I showed her the time we were in the forest, how I forced myself to move because of her existence next to me, how I could never let the people I love fall again. My fury when I awoke and had seen her beautiful luscious hair butchered by those punks, as she had fought so hard to tend and protect Naruto and myself. How no one else could have purified the curse mark, made it reeced as she did when she wrapped her fragile arms around me that day, begging.

I showed her how my concern erupted when I was rendered helpless against Gaara and Shukaku, how it lit every ounce of my anger on fire, how it reminded me of the night I couldn't stop Itachi, my hatred for myself but my love was for her and Naruto.

The sickening memory of the genjutsu Itachi had left me captured in, and how much I needed her hug that day when Tsunade released it.

I also let her see how afraid I was, from my eyes, that day I fought Naruto on the rooftop, how if Kakashi wouldn't have come...what could've happened, and how I cursed myself.

At last I let her see my world the night I left the village, how I was truly thankful for her love, how after I laid her on the bench, I stared momentarily.

Next, letting her see how I thought of them when I was with Orochimaru for three years. How I detested their love for me and the ties that binded me. My comrades reminded me of my family, and the last time I loved my family, it terrorized me to the core.

I considered stopping, wondering if she could forgive me if she knew my reality, but I promised myself to let her in, as she hadn't given up on me yet, therefore she deserved to know the truth. I caught my breath, a small stream of blood chased it's way down my cheek, I continued.

I had to murder them, especially after the unbearable sorrow from learning about Itachi's life. I had to get revenge on Konoha. I unwillingly showed her how angry I was, confused, and how I only felt comfort within my hate, and dwelled in my darkness. I also let her see something I desperately tried to forget: outside of the darkness was always always a dim light. It was the love of my parents, of my brother, of Naruto, of my comrades, of Sakura, and the panic I fed trying to block the light away. I exposed how I felt the day I tried to murder her, that I...was very much going to...but because there was no other way. Every time I saw their faces the odd, unwanted hope would strengthen and it scared me, to face the light, and to face myself.

Lastly, I allowed her to feel my emotions, hear my thoughts, the day that the acid ocean ate her skin, the moment I saw her with Obito in the other dimension, the relief of being saved, and the relief of being loved, valued, forgiven, as she fell into my arms. Finally, I supported my beautiful Sakura, was there to catch her falling as she was the one who always was selfless in my respect, the one that gave me the salvation I craved, the one who patiently waited for me to go find myself, the one who gave me love to cling on to in the darkness, even though my soul trembled at the thought.

How sorry I was, how insecure I had been, how, if I had allowed Sakura and Naruto in, if I helped them understand, could it have been different? What is done is done, if does not exist, and now and here I show her the reality.

I love you, Sakura. Thank you so much, for everything.

I closed my eye, covering it with my hand, and looking at Sakura through the other. She stared at me again, a shocked expression, and then after a moment, her face was joy. Loving and forgiving and so happy was she. It caught me off guard, that still, after revealing my darkness, she responded with her bliss. I did not deserve her. I finally felt safe enough to smile back at her, and she giggled, giddy with delight.

What a strong, kind woman. I grasped her chin, right above her neck as she still smiled, lifting her eyes to mine. Her cheeks immediately splotched bright red and I leaned down, closing my eyes as she closed hers, and enveloped her mouth as gently as I could, fighting the urge to hold her so close to me, closer, closer, closer. It was a short exchange of my long lasting love for her, and I nuzzled her, excepting that she loved me and it wouldn't hurt to let myself love her in return.

I stood from the hospital bed, needing to get back to my room before the nurses made their rounds, and heard her sigh a small, sweet breath. "Sasuke...thank you." I turned to her as the corner of my mouth pulled up, and poked her with two fingers, on her forehead. I leaned down and kissed her cheek once more, smiling, and reluctantly left her room, the moonlight dancing on the tiles beneath my feet.