impressions.

It’s crazy how wrong you can be about a person.

It makes no sense that you think you know everything about a person, you can talk to them for months, maybe a year or two and then one day, everything changes. You stop talking, you suddenly feel like they are running away from you and you are completely helpless because every time you try and talk to them, they ignore you or just knock you back for something completely different. I wish you would read this and realise how I feel because every time I try and tell you anything you leave. This was our story, this was going to be perfect, this is my letter to you.

To you,

I miss you. I miss who I was when I was with you. I miss coming home from school and texting you all night. You dropped off the face of the planet, I went looking for you everywhere, I sent texts and I called you and I sent facebook messages but you ignored me, you chose to ignore everything we were together for your own selfish needs. In case you have forgotten, this is how it started out.

I liked your best friend, I talked to him and you got jealous. You started making jokes and it was pretty hurtful, so I told you and you apologised. That night was our first real night of talking. You told me so much and I opened up to you and told you things I have never told other guys. I put all of my trust in you and told you everything. Every day we talked and every day I got more and more comfortable talking to you and talking about anything and everything. You made me laugh so much I nearly cried and my face hurt from smiling. My family gave up in asking what I was doing every night because my answer was always the same, texting you. But things soon changed, we both developed feelings for each other. My friends told me that its just a crush in high school but I wasn’t sure, you were constantly on my mind and everything I did I could turn around to remind me of you. I have no clue why or how I did it but everything I did or saw had your face in it. I would go to bed at night and just think about everything, think about endless what-if’s and whether or not you constantly thought about me too. I became insecure thinking about you in case I looked stupid and you were thinking about other girls, but your friends insured me that I was all you talked about. We became good friends, knowing each other inside and out for our bad sides and our good, but as soon as we got those feelings, I looked at you differently, and I looked at myself differently. Every day I woke up half an hour earlier to put make up on and to look presentable in case I ran into you in the corridor at school. You never realised how much effort I put in and how much time I wasted doing little tiny things you don’t notice. But when I got home, I would see a text from you saying how beautiful I looked and it all became worthwhile, it made me continue to be fake and someone who I’m not, because to be completely honest with you, I hate mornings. And I hate make up. And I hate acting like someone I’m not, because being two-faced isn’t me, that’s your job. One night, we got to talking about who we liked, you asked me and I told you that I’m not sure. I asked you and you described me but didn’t put a name to it. The next day, I got home from basketball and there was a text from you saying that the amazing girl you were telling me about was me, and that you love me. I don’t know why, but the thought of someone other than family truly loving me was strange. I had never had a real boyfriend and the thought of it scared me and I backed out. I regret it so much because I know none of this would have happened if I didn’t back out but you convinced me that you wouldn’t stop loving me because you knew I would realise that I like you too. You told me that, you promised me you wouldn’t stop talking to me and wouldn’t stop loving me because you knew I would change my mind. You told me you were a good guy and that nothing bad was going to happen. I thought that was the sweetest thing ever and we continued talking about it and talking like normal. But three days later, you asked me where we stand. It’s fair enough that you wanted to know, but so did I. I wanted to know how you were feeling and what you thought about how I was feeling because I sure as hell didn’t know what was going on. I had this void of pressure mounted over me like this was do or die. I didn’t know what to do so I told you that I am not trying to lead you on but I really don’t know what to do. You told me again that you won’t stop loving me. We kept talking but nowhere near as much as we used to, we both just seemed to be busy. Two more days passed until I found out about your little secret. I was angry and upset and just quietly, extremely confused. You had been going out with my friend for over three days. I didn’t know who to be angrier at, you or my ‘friend’ but either way, I was pretty pissed. I stopped texting you and you seemed pretty happy not to talk to me at school. You couldn’t even look me in the eye in the corridor. You walked with your head down because you knew you had done something wrong. To this day, I don’t think you even know what you did wrong, but you can’t blame me because every time I try and talk to you, you ignore me. Today, I saw you at the train station and I smiled at you, when I was going to wave, you looked at me blankly and turned around. What do you think ran through my head, how do you think I was feeling? There are so many things I still think of that revolve around you and I wish so much that you didn’t continually pop up in my mind. To think how much I once believed everything you said was ridiculous. And that girl I thought was my friend, I have spoken to her, she apologised and we made up. So don’t you understand all you have to do? Why don’t you see how easy it is for us to be friends again? But no, it’s too late now. No matter what you say to me, I won’t listen, just to prove to you how being ignored feels. But you know what, I would listen to you because I want to know how you were feeling, I want to ask you whether or not you did think about me all the time and if you thought about what we could be in the future. It’s all over now, and sometimes I wish it wasn’t but when I look at you, I see two separate people in separate lives. When you broke up with that girl, I couldn’t help but smile. I knew it would suck for you both but I didn’t know what else to feel. I was happy, and it was the kind of happy that makes you feel guilty and smile even more. I refresh my inbox every day to see if you ever replied, my phone is always on and I’m constantly looking for you at  school but you don’t see me, you don’t do anything. You can’t even lift your eyes for two seconds to look at me, I wish you had the courage to talk to me and to tell me what you are thinking because you have to miss me. I miss you and if you were the real person I talked to in those eight hundred messages, you have to miss me too. Unless the whole time you were fake and acted like someone you’re not. Because I know you’re not heartless, I know you cared. So please, reach out and think. I would take you back in a heartbeat and you know that… but you wont come near me.

You know what? Your loss.

Catch ya later.