One less dancer

"IT'S JUST NOT FAIR!!! It's just not fair." As I cry in bitter disappointment. Well, at least in my mind. I just really don't get it why everything has to happen me. I was so excited about going to be a 7th grader because I heard such great stories and everything about 7th grade.

And plus my life was just like something you would see out of one of those cheesy sitcoms about the perfect little family. So, I was ready. I was unstoppable, unbreakable, heck, I was incredible. I had just made the drill team. And I was losing weight, my grades were getting even better than before. And everyone started being me friend again. Man, life was great. It had almost seemed like the whole universe had actually turned around and shone a light of compassion, care, and love onto me. Until that one tragic incident . . .

Just when everything was going great I made a really, big, stupid, unforgettable, unnecessary mistake that took me from heaven on earth to well, ya know, the other place on earth. But I can't talk about it, at least not yet, it's too soon. To soon.

But what I can tell you is what my dad did after the mistake. He punished me by, well first of all a lecture, then he took a dramatic precaution and took me off the drill team!!! Yep, that's right, he took me off the drill team. And I couldn't help but take it all in. There was nothing that was going to change his mind. Once he told me what was happening he dismissed me. And that was it. Just like that. Well, with a little more to the story but other than that. That's what it was.

And that's when my life took a turn for the worse. I was INCONSOLABLE!!! After that I immediately went into a mini- depression for about 3 weeks. Of course I'm still very much depressed but I figured, hey I don't want to hurt my friends so I'll just pretend that I'm not a big fat pile of a heart wrenching, depressed, anger issued, stupid, no good, untalented, annoying, weird, ugly, too tall girl like I know I am deep down inside. But hey, I had to do it. And plus during that 3 week period my friends were pretty darn tired of hearing me complain about my life and that I had just needed to deal with it.

Even though I knew I wasn't getting back on the drill team, like ever. I was still a denial, little sick puppy dog who did every kind of weird, superstition thing you could possibly think of to make me back in the drill team. Including things like, making wishes on the stars at night, to seeing 11:11 and making wishes and I just about negotiated in my prayers to God to get me back on.

No, it never worked. Nothing!!! And that's why I gave up, or at least tried to. But every now and again. Well, actually like every week there's one or two days where I just sit, write, listen to sad songs, exclude myself from the crowd, or just put myself down and basically degrade myself as a person. Even though I do this I never hurt myself. And I never will. But still.

But what hurts the most is knowing that it'll never be the same, and I'll never be the same. Ever. And the fact that I have to sit and watch in the crowd where my friends are getting up on the floor and performing wearing beautiful outfits and being cheered on, while I'm just watching and taking pictures. Some times it drives me to the point of tears. When I know good and well that could have been me. And it was me. But because of ME I screwed up and messed myself out of a great opportunity.

One day, my teacher gave us a little pep talk telling us not to put our selves down and that he knows what we're going through and how we feel but as we get older it's turns all better and it's like an 'aha moment'. But, I couldn't help but crying. Inside my mind was racing with thoughts about my life is and how it'll never get better. And how I already had the ' aha moment ' but, I screwed it up. And how I would put myself down. And how I felt stupid. And everything and I yell inside my head, "IT'S JUST NOT FAIR!!! IT JUST ISN'T!!!" I just couldn't take it anymore. I wanted to tell someone, really and truly but, I just couldn't. I just couldn't

. . . But for now on I'll just have to try and fake a smile for the better. Even though the pain is unbearable :) . . . Is that a good start??? . . .