Letters (A Dark Louis Tomlinson Fanfic)

Chapter 50

*Louis PoV*

I covered my ears in despair as I heard her shrieking from behind the door, trying desperately to block out the noises I was hearing. She sounded so hurt, and, fuck, I wanted to open the door and go to her, but she couldn't see me like this.

I knew I shouldn't have unlocked that cabinet. I should have left it there, where it had sat untouched for three years. But, of course, I had to go and ruin everything, like I always did, and open it. There were just so many plenteous bottles of different coloured liquids, each unopened bottle calling out, begging me to release it from its glass prison.

So I did.

I looked at the bottle of Vodka that lay beside me. It rested on it's side, on the floor. I hadn't even bothered with a glass, or even a mixer. I had taken it straight. Sure, it tastes like shit and burns like fuck for the first few gulps, but soon you're so wasted that you can't even feel it anymore. That was one of the reasons I used to drink it; it made me feel immune to all the pain that would be threatening to spill over. God, I was such a fucking idiot. As I looked down at myself and the half-empty bottle, I realised that I was doing the exact same thing right now, but it was too late to do anything about it.

I had initially only planned to take a few sips, but that's where it all starts, isn't it? I had just wanted to relieve some of the nerves, so I could talk to her when she came back; to tell her that I couldn't let her leave. Soon, half the botttle had disappeared and I was way too hammered. I probably wouldn't have been able to make it over to the door to open it, even if I had tried.

That's why I'd been in the bathroom. My stomach had decided to play that nasty little trick where it flips over itself repeatedly, and so I found myself leaning over the toilet. I had hoped that getting some of the alcohol out of my system would sober me up little, but apparently not.

I could see everything, but it was a blur; could see everything, but it was like I was in a tunnel. Except for that incessant banging on the door that Trinity was doing. That was clear as fucking day, and it was driving me up the wall. Not because it was annoying, (although, in my drunken state, I would admit that it was, perhaps, just a smidgen irritating), but because I yearned so much to be able to go out there and hold her in my arms and tell her that everything was going to be alright, but I couldn't. I wanted to tell her that I was sorry. I wanted to tell her that I was sorry for being a massive screw-up and that I was sorry for ruining her life and that I was sorry for making her miserable and that I was sorry for destroying her relationship with her mother and that I was sorry for so much more than merely those things, but I couldn't.

I was stuck inside my body, a rigid vessel in which I was encaged, unable to move, but was being forced to sit there and listen to the girl I loved break emotionally because I was stupid enough to drink even though I hadn't touched any in 3 years. That, alone, would mean that I would get drunk easily, but I'd never thought of that. It also meant that if I drank again, it would restart the problem that I had just gotten under control. I'd never thought of that either.

I cradled my head in my hands and willed my tears to be silent as I heard her whimper one last time before falling to the ground. It took even more effort to suppress my sobs as I realised that I had done this to her. It was me, the reason for her misery and despair was me. All of this could have been avoided if it weren't for me.

For a moment, I wondered if this was meant to be. Was it destined to be that I would be so drunk that I couldn't stop her from leaving? That I couldn't stop her from walking out of my life? Forever, she had said. 

Maybe that was what would best for her, maybe she needed to leave, and the alcohol was meant to subdue me so I couldn't stop her. Well, I'm sure I could if I really wanted to - and fuck, did I want to, - but I couldn't face her like this. She was already mad at me for keeping secrets from her, I didn't think she would be impressed if she found out that I used to have a drinking problem, too. Just imagining her face, contorted in disgust at the fact that I was drunk at about two thrity in the afternoon as I tried to explain myself, was enough to turn me off the idea of going out to see her.

Suddenly, there was quiet and I heard footsteps descending the stairs. I held my breath to see if I was hearing things, but no, the slamming of the door assured me that she really was leaving. No, she wasn't just leaving, she had gone. Past tense. Over and done with. It was officially too late to stop it from happening.

Or was it?

I hadn't heard the start of a car engine, which would make sense because she hadn't brought her car to my house, and she couldn't take mine if she was planning to leave for good, which meant she was walking. She would have to walk the one hundred or so metres to get to the end of my driveway, wait for the gates to open, and then she would have to walk to wherever she was going. Which meant I could still catch her. I would have to get off my lazy, drunk ass and run, but I could catch her. 

The thought fresh in my mind and adrenaline coursing through my veins, I pushed myself off my ass and onto my knees, closing my eyes as my stomach churned with the all-too-sudden movement. Still, I persevered and pushed myself to my feet, inhaling deeply before attempting to make a move for the door.

However, as soon as I went to put my foot out in front of me, the world spun and my foot ended up somewhere to the right of me, so far away from my original spot that I looked like a somewhat-less graceful-and-just-a-tad-more-hammered ballerina attempting to do the splits. I roared in frustration, reaching for anything around me that I could send hurtling towards one of the walls, although with my drunken aim, it would probably end up hitting the ceiling. I couldn't have given two flying shits where it ended up, I just needed to throw something.

My hand came in contact with something cool and smooth and I grasped it without thinking, slinging it into the air. Seconds later, I heard a crash and droplets of liquid spattered onto my face. Shit, that was the bottle of Vodka. I didn't even care about wasting it, it was the fact that this was carpet and there would be shards of glass everywhere for a long time, not to mention the mark that the bottle would have left on the wall upon impact - if I had even hit the wall, that was. There really were no bloody guarantees.

I hit my head repeatedly, trying to clear it, and struggled to stand up and retain my balance. This time, I succeeded and I exhaled slowly, desperate to maintain my composure for as long as possible. There was a moment of complete silence, where nothing moved, and it was like everything had frozen, even time, except for me. My head unanticipatedly cleared, allowing me to think consciously for a second. I took two steps forward and was stunned when I found out that I could take them without stumbling or falling over.

I could hear the glass cracking under my feet as I moved with each cautious step, not wanting to perturb the eerie silence that saturated the heavy air. I opened the door and bit the inside of my cheek as I stood gazing at the spot that Trinity had been situated in, not ten minutes before that moment, before my apathy had sent her scurrying away from me and everything associated with me.

As this thought struck me, I realised why I had sobered up so much. It was because my mind had finally arrived at the conclusion that I had fucked everything up massively.

Not only that. but because it had finally come to the conclusion that I needed to fix it.

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A/N: The LONG-awaited update. Sorry about leaving so long between updates, but I explained why :) *unedited bc tired*

Anyway, hope this is worth the wait :)

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*FIRST LONG CHAPTER TO MY MICHAEL FIC IS UP, PLEASE TAKE THE CHANCE TO READ/VOTE/COMMENT ON IT, I THINK YOU'LL LIKE IT!*

P.S., The new Little Mix album is amazing, I highly recommend it (I sound suspiciously like Zayn there hahahah) 

Love you all,
~L. :)