The Fear Of Love

Do you know the feeling when your blood sugar starts dropping low? That's how it feels when you do something risky. Something outside of your comfort zone. The feeling of a hazy dream while half awake and half asleep. The cold sweats in the palms of your hands and the heat in your body raising to your neck and cheeks. Your heart rate rising by the second.

I tend to experience these feelings often. And it's always in a different scenario. Everything from auditions, performances, asking for advice, or just simply asking a waitress for a straw. My anxiety has always been a problem ever since I was a child. The feeling of your heart dropping to your stomach and your stomach dropping to your ankles. You start to stumble while trying to walk or stand. And when you try to talk, you start to mumble and stutter to the point you sound like a total idiot.

That is also how it feels to be in love. The awkwardness and the cold sweats and the fast heart beats. The feeling of being in a dream. You feel all of that and more. When you are in love along with having anxiety, it feels like a stroll through hell. You always want to be with a certain person but as soon as you meet up with them, you choke up from being so stressed and terrified that you are going to mess something up or humiliate yourself in front of them. When in love with someone while you have anxiety, you can never win.

Most people would disagree with what I am saying. Most people would try to brush it off by saying that I am overreacting about being in love at such a young age. How I put it, love has no age limit, shape or size. While growing up, everyone falls in love at least once. The magical feeling of love is inevitable. There is no way in avoiding it.

When you love someone, you become emotionally blind to the world. Your most important priority in your significant other. You start to do everything for them and try with every ounce of your being to satisfy them. But, there are times when the other person doesn't appreciate all you do for them. And when they don't, it hurts like an arrow through your heart. When living with anxiety and having this happen, you feel like a bail of rubbish. You end up feeling scared for your life while thinking "i'm no good for them".

I now find myself scared to fall in love. Mostly for my anxiety. Over the years I have been fighting this battle and it tends to win. Be careful of who you fall for. Because sometimes, you fall too fast and too deep and you will feel like you will never be able to get out.