It was Valentine's Day and I was with him.
Nope. It wasn't a date. Unless you consider calling 16 friends together in one bar as a date. We were all celebrating that ill-fated holiday by drinking tequilas, margaritas, and beer. Why ill fated? Because I hate Valentine's Day. Even if I'm a hopeless romantic, that doesn't justify the fact that I've been spending seven consecutive years without a special someone. I mean, yes, I had my crushes with me during those days, or I had talked to them on the phone. But what I mean with having a special someone is to have someone who feels the same love for me. Being on the one-way street is so tiring. So exasperating. So depressing.
I looked at him as he slowly drank the last drops of his Budweiser. Dammit. Why does he have to be so handsome all the time? Why do I love him so much even if I know he could never love me back?
Oh, no. Don't tell me that overused line, "You'll never know...". I'm sick of it. Everybody keeps on telling me that. And I'm, like, yeah, right.
I mean, HE KNOWS.
I remember telling him that I love him on my birthday. I was drunk that time, having gulped down seven San Migs and two Buds. I did that intentionally so that when he sees me crying, I'd just say I'm just having a hangover. But honestly, I used the hangover alibi to cover up the pain of rejection.
OK. So he didn't actually say "I don't feel the same way." In fact, he didn't say anything at all. He just gave me one of those killer bedimpled smiles. And I think the next thing I did was to rest my head on the table because no matter how lightheaded I felt, my head was like ten tons of lead.
The next thing I knew, he was a lot nicer to me. He gave a very special smile every time our eyes would meet. We talked more often, became more open to each other...basically I felt like finding my own best friend.
My friends kept telling me maybe he was having the same feelings for me. And I'd continually scoff at their opinions. He was always emphasizing how friendship is much more important than having a boyfriend or girlfriend. And I knew what that meant. We were better off as friends.
But hey, I'm not complaining here. I mean, I'd rather lose him as a special someone than to lose him as my friend. After all, I've learned so much from him. And when I'm with him, I don't have to be someone I'm not. I could be me and just me. Like I said, I found my own best friend in him.
Problem is, I'm just so in love with him. And to think I've turned down two suitors because of him. And I don't understand why. I mean, finally there was a chance to be with someone during the holidays and I turned them down because of someone who only loves me as a friend? It was terribly insane for me to do, but somehow I don't regret it. After all, it'd be like living a lie. Pretending to love another when I know I'm still in love with him.
Maybe the reason I've been letting chances pass me by (in romantic terms only) is because somehow, in any way or another, I NEVER knew what was inside his head. Maybe if he just said, "I'm sorry. The feeling is not mutual." I'd get the picture and maybe I'd start entertaining love from other boundaries.
Somehow, on this day, I wanted to know the whole truth. Even if it meant being heartbroken on Valentine's Day.
After all, I've drunk about four shots of tequila, five glasses of margarita (which were basically chicken feed) and a couple of Buds. My head felt like spinning (Felt like, or really spinning?) and I knew I was already tipsy. I knew I could say anything. Tell him everything.
Maybe then, by the time he tells me the heartbreaking news, I'd be crying. And I could easily say I'm just having that hellacious hangover again. After all, he did watch me warily as I drank all that liquor.
But then, you know what? I won't cry. I think I'm prepared for the rejection. I had reservations in coming.
I staggered before him as he took a batch of salted peanuts. He looked at me and suddenly stood up to offer me a chair.
"No, no, no..." I slurred, motioning him to sit down. "I'm OK. Really. Just had a couple of drinks, that's all."
"OK." He said cautiously, watching my every move with those beautiful eyes.
"You know, I don't understand why we call what we have right now as friendship. Coz if I remember right, friendship is a give and take relationship. Then how come I tell you the truth and I don't get any from you?"
"Wait---"
I held up my hand to stop him. "No, you wait a minute, mister. I'll do all the talking first. Then it'd be your turn, OK?"
"Are you sure you don't want to sit down?"
"You know, no matter how nice you are to me all the time, it doesn't really disregard the fact that I NEVER knew what was in your head. You NEVER told me what was on your mind when I told you what I feel. You NEVER told me whatever feelings you have for me." I held on to the table beside me for support. I was getting dizzy already. But I had to do this. I had to. I took a deep breath and got all the courage within me.
"So why don't you just tell it to me straight, huh? Just tell me the whole damn truth, no holds barred. And don't go thinking you might hurt my feelings. Because let me tell you, buster, I'm ready for this. I've been expecting this ever since the first day I fell in love with you. So don't worry. I promise I won't cry. Just tell me what you really feel. Right here. Right now. Bite the bullet."
I felt my knees weakening. Dammit. Did I really say that? I needed to sit down. My world was going in circles.
He seemed to have guessed I was getting weak. He stood up and gave me his chair.
"I'm OK..." I groaned.
He took another chair and sat down in front of me. Then he stared at me with such intensity with those hazel nut-brown eyes.
"What?"
He gave me that breathtaking million-dollar smile.
"What? I told you, I promise I won't cry. I had this coming."
He looked deeply into my eyes again. Then he whispered, "I love you."
My heart stopped. My mouth was hanging open. "What?"
"I love you...I've been in love with you all this time. I've loved you the first time I met you and now I'm more in love with the best friend I found in you. I just didn't know how to tell you. I wanted to tell you at the right time because you might think I just said it because you said it first. But then...I guess now is the right time...I love you very, very much."
I felt the tears flooding in my eyes.
"Hey, I thought you promised not to cry!" He smiled.
I smiled back, sniffling. "Shut up."
Stupid hangover.
