Without you [Criminal Minds]

Without you

Slowly Emily walked past the pictures. Faces of fallen Agents smiled past her. It was just absurd considering that every one of them was already dead. Emily slowed down. She didn't want to look at that one picture, but she had to. One last time she needed to see him before everything would change. His smile was the same. Of course it was. Pictures don't change. But people do. Cases do. Within seconds everything can change. And that's the only thing Emily knew for sure in those days full of uncertainty. She felt the tears rising into her eyes and averted her eyes from the picture. Suddenly she felt a hand on her shoulder and for a tiny moment she thought it might be him standing behind her, but of course it wasn't. How could it be? He was dead. And nothing would ever change that.
"You shouldn't be here, Emily." JJs voice was soft, so full of understanding, worries and grief.
"It is the only way to say goodbye, JJ."
Emily looked up and JJ gave her friend a warm hug.
"Let's go in."
Side by side the two agents walked into the conference room where so many team meetings had taken place before. This should be the last one.
Garcia, Derek, Rossi and Reid were already there. Still shocked and everyone self-absorbed. Garcia almost laid in Derek's arms and everybody could tell she'd been crying.
"Good morning."
They looked up, but no one said a word. Emily and JJ took their seats. As always.
The team was complete, but one chair remained empty.
"So this is it?" Garcia whispered. "The goodbye?"
"No."
Everyone wanted to agree with Morgen, but only JJ said something.
"We will see each other on birthdays and on Christmas."
"Los Angeles is not the end of the world." Reid added.
"And London isn't either." That was the first thing Emily said. "We will visit you as often as possible."
"And meet at Rossi's to have a dinner party."
That drew a little smile on the faces of the team members.
Rossi nodded: "We will do that."
"But it will never be the same again." Garcia determined.
Of course it won't. How could it? Without the team leader the team wasn't complete. Everything seemed to fall apart. The only reason that the team existed that long was that he always persuaded the director that this Unit was the best. That no other profiling team would ever be as good as this one. But without him there was no reason for the director to keep this team alive. Especially because most of the team members had gotten other job offers. Reid in Los Angeles, where he could be closer to his mother. Emily in London, where she should run an Interpol office. And everyone else would get a new job as soon as this team was dissolved.
"He wouldn't want us to sit here like that." Rossi whispered.
Everyone agreed.
"I just wish he would be here with us..."
Everyone did. His death was the worst thing that ever happened to this team. The bomb wasn't supposed to be there. The profile was wrong. Matthew Downs had a bomb although the profile said he wouldn't kill himself because he was an adrenaline junkie. He did. And the FBI Agent died too. After that everything stepped out. Emily deactivated the bomb and saved Wills life. JJ knocked Izzy Rogers out and saved her son. Everything went according to plan. Until they heard about the last bomb. And about his death.
"We should give each other a promise." Emily said.
"What promise?"
"That we will never forget him. And us. That this isn't the end."
"This isn't the end." JJ answered. "We won't let it be."
Suddenly everyone stood up and started to hug the each other. No one said a word, but those embraces didn't need words. Those embraces were the silent promise to never forget each other. And no one doubted that everyone was really serious about that.
Together they left the conference room and walked towards his picture. They stood in front of it and looked at it.
Garcia was the first to find her voice again.
"He shouldn't be dead!" Garcia sobbed. Morgan hugged her and she leaned against him. Even Reid and Emily had to wipe away some tears.
"No, he shouldn't. But he wouldn't want us to cry, he'd want us to remember him with a smile on our face." Rossi returned. And with teary eyes every team member started to look back on everything they lived through together.
"Do you remember this time, when he first brought Jack here? That little boy was only a few days old back then. He was so proud to be his father." A few tears fell on the ground.
"Exactly. I remember how proud he was every time when he told me about his son's football games. Nothing made him happier than the fact that Jack scored a goal." Derek said.
"He was a real joker." JJ added. "There was this day when Reid got his new haircut and he would ask him if he joined a boy band." More tears fell on the ground, but this time it were tears of joy.
"And he was very passionate. I remember him convincing me to give you that cooking lesson at my house." Rossi told the team.
"He laughed so much that day." Emily remembered.
"So did we."
Now Reid rose to speak: "And he always had so much faith in all of us. He helped me to pass the shooting test although I never thought I could pass it. But he knew I could. He trusted us blind."
No one knew what to say anymore. A little silence crept over the team.
"No matter what will happen, we still have each other, right?" JJ asked no one in particular
Everyone nodded.
"Let's go my fine furry friends."
No one could help smiling. And they knew if the team leader had been there, he would have smiled too.
They all remained for a tiny little moment, because no one really wanted to leave, but then they turned around and walked towards the elevator. Arm in arm. Hand in hand.
Only Emily stayed behind. And with a few tears running down her cheeks she whispered:
"Goodbye Hotch."
Then she walked to the other agents and together they entered the elevator. Just like they did it so many times before. But this was the last time.
And when the elevator door closed, they didn't leave the BAU as a team.
They left as a family.

Saying goodbye doesn't mean anything. It's the time we spent together that matters, not how we left it.
~ Trey Parker