Harry's head spun. Though, the thoughts that ran through out his mind stayed perfectly clear. But, that was only if Louis wasn't in them. If Louis was to appear in a single one of Harry's thoughts then, they'd turn hazy... As if, Harry was no longer able to hold onto his "BooBear" anymore. Not only had he lost Louis, he'd lost his best friend; his lover; his soulmate; his everything; his reason the breathe, even. Sometimes Harry would ask himself multiple questions, one of the most farmiliar ones being; "Was it my fault?". The thought of Louis' death had always haunted Harry Styles, since the dreadful day occoured... Harry would always think about their past together, sometimes, even their future. But, they were only thoughts. Dreaded, deluded, haunting, thoughts. Ones that will never come true... Harry's emotions, really weren't emotions anymore... They'd been battered and beaten and were now just twisted, wasted, horrible feelings, of which will always be there. Never gone - never forgotten. Life was just a twisted wreck for him, right now... He didn't really have a life anymore. It was gone; lost forever. Louis knew Harry like nobody else. More than fans, more than Liam, Niall or Zayn, more than his family. Well, more then himself.
Harry stared out of the window in his bedroom. The window ledge was uncomfortable, but, Harry was too dazed, to even realise. Harry fascinated the other boys, in an awful way. Harry never spoke anymore, he'd just let out an awful, ear-peircing scream every-so-often, that'd terrify the boys. He'd run his long, pale fingers through his luscious curls, that used to be ever-so important, but didn't matter anymore. He never smiled anymore, or he never went anywhere. But, he didn't speak, because he was afraid of what would come out, crying, screaming. shouting even, felt like the best way to let it all go. He didn't smile anymore, because he had no reason... no reason to be happy. Louis was gone. Life will never be the same for him. He never went anywhere but his room, because, it was his and Louis' room. What if he left and someone messed it up? Or someone came along and took all of Louis' stuff away to somewhere else? What if he forgot? What if he forgot Louis? That's why he couldn't leave. Sometimes he wanted to leave, but not that room. No... Leave and go where Louis is. But, could he leave? Could he leave with the burden of know what he would have done to the other boys? Maybe, he'll just have to wait... Maybe not? But, who knows? Who knows how much the boys will hurt? Who knows how many more thousands of their adoring fans will commit suicide? Or, how his family will react...? Harry does. Harry knows. But, one day, that won't stop him...
Sometimes, Harry saw Louis. Standing outside in the forest, he also saw himself, a happier self. Louis would hide behind a tree, the same tree everytime, the one with 'Louis&Harry' ingraved in with scratchy, uneven, but perfect writing. Harry would look, pretending he didn't know Louis was there, "Louis..." He'd call, rolling his eyes at his boyfriend's childish playing. Then, Louis would jump behind Harry and cover his eyes. Then, Harry would turn around and they'd hug eachother, whispering (what they seemed like at the time), sweet nothings, into eachothers' ears. Everytime Harry resaw that, he'd relive it, knowing word-for-word, what would be said... Harry's cheeks, will never be cleared of the tear-stains that have been remade too many times for anyone to count... He missed Louis, a lot. Sometimes, maybe more then he should've. Sometimes wearing Louis' clothes would help. Well, that's what Harry thought. But, it didn't. It just made him realise that, they are so far away - too far away... Harry never blamed Louis. It wasn't Louis' fault, even though he secretly found it in him to say it was no one's fault, he blamed himself entirely. Even if it was no one's fault, it was closest to being Harry's fault.
Harry saw a shillouette refelct in the window. A figure stood there that looked too farmiliar... "Louis..." Harry whispered, "Harry..." A voice replied. Louis. "Come back..." Harry whispered, resting his head on the window, seeing a happy, alive Louis waving at him. Though, he couldn't see him very well through the layers of tears, threatening to spill from his eyes... "I don't ever want to say goodbye..." He whispered, closing his eyes, letting himself cry the long-awaited tears. "I shouldn't need to say goodbye..." He blinked, looking back down at the two of them, messing around, throwing leaves at eachother... Only, this time, they looked that much older. It was autumn. The season after the current one that real Harry was living in... Harry turned his head away, and looked down again. Louis was alone this time... Where was Harry? Louis seemed sad... Why was Louis sad? Harry heard crying on the other side of the room. Louis' crying. Harry turned his head slowly... Louis was sitting on the bed, head in hands... Crying? Harry hesitated, before cautiously getting up. He sat on the bed, next to Louis. It wasn't Louis. Obviously. Harry turned to put his hand on Louis' leg... But, his hand went right through. He tried again... But, Louis just shivered. "N-Niall?" Louis shouted, "Yeah, buddy?" Replied Niall, from downstairs, "Turn the heater on? Its cold, mate!" Shouted Louis. After five minutes, Louis stopped shivering, but Harry still felt cold... How was Louis talking to Niall? Louis took his head from his hands, and looked onto the bedside stand which belonged to Harry and Louis. He looked at a picture of Harry and whispered "Rest in peace, baby boy..." And layed the picture face down, "I'm coming soon..." Louis said, after that, he walked out of the room. But, then, it didn't take Harry too long to realise... It wasn't Louis who was gone...
It was him.
