At this very moment, I am sad and bitter. I can see how some of the older ones can become bitter in their old age. A life full of hard work, drama, trauma, and constantly feeling powerless. But that's only what I can imagine. It may not be that way, it may be worse, it may be just the way they are. I've had my own experiences with bitter elders. One of my aunts decided it would be smart of her to tell me she hated me.
"I don't know why," she said, "I just hate you. Can't stand the sight of you. I hate that you breathe. I hate that you exist. I hate everything about you."
I was looking up at her with widened eyes. I didn't know if I should feel hurt or angry. I decided to feel shocked. I was a little girl. Didn't know how to hate anyone. Didn't think that word existed. But I could feel the venom pour out of her mouth as she hissed at me.
"Everytime I look at you I get angry." She continued, "And I don't know why. I just accept that's how I feel about you. It's important for me to tell you how I feel so I don't get sick. Can't keep all these ugly feelings inside."
At that moment I seen all of her wrinkles she tried to hide. Her black hair was turning white. When I looked in her eyes I seen a very cold place. I think she said more but I can't say for sure. I zoned out.
Now that I'm an adult, I think back to that day and wonder how she could have possibly made it about her. A fully grown woman speaking so cruelly to a small child, makes it about her. Not thinking about the damage it may cause me but what it could cause her. As I grew up I learned that she was angry. Probably felt the need to bully me. She must've needed to feel powerful to get through her day. That's what I accepted. I was glad I could help her....I suppose.
Everytime I seen her she would hiss at me.
"Get away from me!" She would pull herself back clutching her purse and looking at me with such disgust. As if I were a dog with mange trying to lick at her.
"I was going to hug you." I had said, that one time.
Her mouth dropped open and her face went pale. She was shocked.
She screeched at me, "NO!!" Shaking her head, "NO!! WHY would you think that I want to hug YOU?? I don't want you to touch me! Get away from me! I told you I hate you!"
I took a step back and allowed my arms to fall.
"Back up!" She ordered.
I took another step back. She waved her hand at me, gesturing me to go farther. I took another step back and she finally relaxed a bit. She regained colour in her knuckles after easing her grip on her purse. She sat more comfortably in her chair. I stood there curious. I didn't understand why she reacted that way. I still was unsure of how to feel. I looked past her at my other aunt. She had somewhat of a strawberry brown colour to her hair. She always had her hair up in a messy bun at the top of her head. Her skin was as pale as the cream she poured in her coffee. She rolled her eyes and shook her head. I liked her. She was gentle with me. She loved me. She was Ginger.
"Of all the nerve!!" My cruel aunt said. She looked over at Ginger and pointed at me. "You see what she tried to do?! How come you let her?"
"Why do you do that to her?!" Ginger demanded to know. Her voice was low, just above a whisper, but I could hear the protective tone come out. She was frowning at her younger sister.
Pam, my cruel aunt, seemed to be blown aback by Ginger's question. I could only see her body stiffen as she drew herself back, away from Ginger's glaring eyes.
Ginger was sitting in the corner of the dining room. It was her spot. She never sat anywhere else unless she was in the bedroom or the bathroom. Pam was sitting next to her, closest to the door. I was standing in the middle of nowhere in the house. The only place in the house that wasn't framed out to be exactly something. The dining room was connected to the kitchen by a long, wide and open hall of some sort. No walls or even a floor divider separated the space. On one side of this wide space was a stand with a fish tank. On the other side nearly across from it was a small make - shift pantry. Far too small for the size of house and for the size of the family. I stood directly in front of the fish tank. At the edge of this imaginary line that cut the dining room off from this very wide hallway to the kitchen. Middle of nowhere.
