"If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the Up button."
“I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was "You'll never find anyone like me again!" I'm thinking, "I should hope not! If I don't want you, why would I want someone like you."”
“There's no half-singing in the shower, you're either a rock star or an opera diva.”
I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying.”
“Love is like a booger. You keep picking at it until you get it, then wonder what to do with it.”
“Dogs have Owners, Cats have Staff.”
“I put all my genius into my life; I put only my talent into my works.”
“It is better to be beautiful than to be good, but it is better to be good than to be ugly.”
“I have met a lot of hardboiled eggs in my time, but you're twenty minutes.”
“You grow up the day you have your first real laugh -- at yourself.”
The only thing worse than being talked about is not being talked about
In all matters of opinion, our adversaries are insane
