Leaving you // Jojian

~Chapter 1~

I was messing around with some beats I have made, while listening to Ian's breathing. He was asleep. Five hours ago, he appeared at Max's doorstep and looked worn out. I smiled, remembering his messy hair, when Max opened the door, to meet him. I glanced at him and saw that his glasses have fallen off the nightstand. I got up quietly, put the glasses back, and looked at his face. Something inside of me wanted to die.

Seeing his sleeping face, and knowing, that I will never have the chance of touching it with my lips.

„But if I only kiss his forehead?" I thought, and leaned in. When my lips were an inch away from his face, I felt my cheeks burn. What if he is awake? What if he wakes up? What if--

I yanked my head back.

„That's not right. He's sleeping," I thought, and stepped back. I went back to bed, and after an hour I fell asleep. If I would have kissed him, I would have used him.

When I woke up, I went to the kitchen. Max was sitting there, and writing something on paper. Definitely a video script. We both greeted each other, and I made coffee. After a while, Ian went in. I looked at him, and felt extreme guilt, because of the scenarios what were running through my head.

„Today we will go to the shop to buy stuff for today's video. We will have to buy lots of spaghetti, Waldo costumes, mouse traps, Twister, candles," suddenly Max said. He put down the paper and looked at us questioningly. For a while, there was a silence.

„At least explain what we will be doing, cunt," Ian said. Max sighed and cleared up the confusion.

„I think I will die while filming this, but anything for that YouTube revenue," I said and laughed, when he explained his idea.

When we got back, we immediately started organizing everything for the video, I called Chad and invited him over. We got dressed and then waited for Chad.

I fell in bed from all the exhaustion. My hand was still burning; I couldn't swallow because my neck was maybe damage from the shock collar. But something else was taking up majority my thoughts. Ian. I was worried about him when he was shocked. I screamed, so they would stop torturing him. That was awful.

Then he came in my room.

„Are you all right? Does your neck still hurt?" I said, making him look weirdly at me. But he grinned

„Good to see, that someone is caring about me. But why are you so concerned about me? That's a bit gay," he eyed me, but he was still smiling. I opened my mouth, but I couldn't think of any excuses. He was still looking at me, with a raised eyebrow. I wanted to reveal something right here and now, but I couldn't. Not yet.

I breathed in, "I'm just worried about you. It looked like you were dying over there." He just nodded, stayed here for a bit, and went out. I sighed, leaned out of the window, and pulled out a cigarette, lit it and inhaled the smoke. Blowing out the fumes, I felt like I was releasing all the pent up emotions about Ian. At least he realized I was caring about him. That's good, I guess.

„I have to find out his opinion about gays. I can't say all of the shit I feel for him if he's homophobic. He wouldn't talk to me anymore, and if he wouldn't, I would seriously consider ending it all," I said to myself, and put the cigarette in the ashtray. I went to the kitchen, to get food. In the kitchen, Ian was drinking beer, and I quickly got my food.

„Which one of you was near my bed this morning? I felt someone hover over me," he asked, and I turned around. He took a swig.

„What?" I asked.

„Someone early this morning was near my bed. I woke up when the floor cracked while walking. Was it you?" he said and tilted his head. Fuck, that was cute. I wanted to push him against the counter, and- - Ian was staring at me, waiting for an answer.

„Not me. I always wake up at 9 o'clock or so."

„I already asked Max, before he went out to get snacks for us. He said that he was writing the script. Who's lying?"

„Ok, that was me. Your glasses fell off the nightstand, and I picked them up."

„That's gay; no, that's cute," he laughed, and sipped the drink. I smiled and went back to my room. I shut the door and breathed out. The corners of my lips were tugging up, and I couldn't stop them. My heartbeat increased, and I almost screamed.

„That's cute," I repeated to myself. Maybe I will have to do this more often? How could someone like this faggot mess with my feelings this much? The only thing that here is cute is him.

But I have to tell someone about this, or I will just blow up at some point. I need advice. But the problem is, I have only 3 choices. Chad can't keep a secret; he has proven it a lot of times in the past year. I would rather kill myself than confess to Ian. Well, then Max it is.