Flirtationship: More than Friendship, Less than a Relationship

            One look and there it goes. Here’s then this crazy feeling rushing down there, arousing every numb veins, easiness then covers the total body, with the heart beating so fast, fast like somehow millions of wild rats came scampering from nowhere, leaving the knees trembling, shaking as if you’ll going to fall anytime. These are the usual reactions our mind sends to our body once we see that someone who had dug a little bit deeper hole in our hearts, someone who is more buoyant than the others around. That someone either sent from the heaven’s gate or whatever shit that someone had acquired who has the charisma, the power to let everything around us stop, set our heart on fire, and expose us in the world behind our wall, see something we never dimly forethought we can see, even in our wildest dreams. And after that very moment that you had encountered, either by luck or fate or you yourself had just planned everything out to look you were having that cross-over with that someone, as if by accident, smiling is then easy as natural breathing. The worst side-effects ever, the counterparts of that feeling so-called “love”, uh-oh.

            Love? Agad? Shouldn’t it be mere attraction first? Or just the repercussion of the weird thoughts and high expectations we had fed into our ever-haunted mind? Isn’t it? What a lame perception indeed! Why not figure out everything first? Why not take a step back, and look at the bigger picture so that we can see it in a clearer perspective? Never jump right away into final decisions. It is a gradual process, a process which needs ample time to be figured out.  Remember that there is just a thin line between love and infatuation.

            If we push ourselves unto it, what will possibly happen? Of course we will be misinterpreted. We will be misunderstood. And the worst, that someone will then put a distance away from us. There will then that awkward feeling, a repulsive force that putting that someone away from us. Always remember that we can’t please everybody. We can’t let everybody understand us the way we wanted us to be understood. People were born close-minded, it is just upon their ideals that some can understand our situation wholly or partially, whatever, but most of the time, we ended up judged negatively. We ended up criticized. We ended up broken.

            But in the very first place, even me, I never want to say it’s love. Rather call it attraction instead of love. But it is not attraction for me after all. I am that sort of person who doesn’t rush unto things right away. I am that type of person who is hard to be pleased.

            I myself was also once a victim of such cruelty. And that had somehow tainted an indelible ink into my personality which I still cherish until now. I also poured everything the best I can just to please that someone. But fate was not good to me. “Seems so awkward”, the worst compliment I had ever received. Ouch! What a misinterpretation indeed.

Actually, right from the start, I know where I stand. I just want to make friends with that someone. But not just like an ordinary friend. I want that someone to be my best pal ever. I want that someone to be the person who will be there when everyone around me tends to walk away. I want that someone to be there who will appreciate my write-ups of random thoughts, and will never get tired reading them all. I want that someone to be there, sitting with me having random conversations. I want to have that someone who will attend Sunday masses with me. When my tantrums attack, I want that someone to be there to settle me down. And when I wake up in the middle of the night screaming because of a bad nightmare, I want that someone to be there right away. I hate staying alone. I hate being alone because with that, I over think. I usually think too hard and over analyze everything, and as a result, I then create problems in my head that don’t even exist. And I never want that to happen again. Lastly, I want someone who will appreciate me despite of the flaws I have.

I never want to say it’s love. I rather call it purely companionship. Flirtationship, more than a friendship, less than a relationship. Nothing less. Nothing more. For I found it already hard living in the cadaverous world of mine. So hard.