If I Break

March 24, 2013

...I wake up from a dream so real, I can still feel Cal's hands on me. I'm on the floor in a cold sweat. I don't remember falling asleep but I must have drifted off after I put Caylen down for her nap. I try to catch my breath and slow my heart down at the same time. It's the third dream I've had this week about Cal.

Each one was slightly different but I notice a few things stay consistent. He's always dressed entirely in black, his eyes are gray, and I can barely speak. He's also furious with me for not fighting for us. Whatever that means? I fought for us for over five years - two of which he was completely absent from. I don't know what more he wants me to do other than knock Chris on the head until he comes out?

If Cal was dead I'd swear he was haunting me in my dreams. But it's not really Cal, of course. I've held on so tightly up until now that there's a part of me having trouble letting go. I can only describe it like an addict detoxing. I guess it's the right time for this to happen. I don't want Chris to think the mother of his child is a complete lunatic.

Yet, wouldn't it be ironic for him to think that, considering the circumstances? At least I'd like to find my bearings, especially since I'm back in Madison, staying at the lovely Ritter Inn. More importantly, I've agreed to take Caylen to see Chris and the Scotts later on today and I've been having so much anxiety about it.

What if Chris freaks out and can't deal with all of this? What if Caylen doesn't like him? What if she likes him too much? Aside from all of the obvious weirdness of the situation, how am I going to adjust to sharing my daughter with a person I don't know? I've been a single parent so long I don't know how co-parenting really works. I grew up with Raven raising me pretty much on her own. I wonder how people do this - make long-distance parenting work? I guess I'm jumping too far ahead of myself. In three hours we'll all find out.

The last time I met him at this house, I had a complete nervous breakdown. He offered to come to Chicago, but I thought that would be weird for both of us. I'm trying to be optimistic about getting away from there. It's become increasingly difficult staying after everything that has happened. I really think I'm going to sell the penthouse and start over.

I pick up Caylen's gray sweater and pink leggings with her khaki Ugg boots. It took me twenty outfits before I decided what she should wear.

It's a surreal feeling getting her dressed to meet Chris. Especially after all the days when I wondered what it would be like for Cal to hold her in his arms. To see how he'd be with a tiny version of himself. Well that's not going to happen now, I remind myself. Even if she wasn't going anywhere special, I always dress her like my own little doll.

These days I spend more time planning what she wears than I do. It's actually been a while since I've worn more than a t-shirt and jeans. I haven't had anyone to dress up for in a long time. But today I've tried to plan the appropriate thing. I don't want to look like I didn't put any thought into what I'm wearing but I also don't want to look like I spent too much. I mean...there's no reason for me to worry anyway. It's not like I haven't already made a first impression with mascara dripping down my face and my hair tangled about my head.

I decide on being Caylen's twin with a long gray sweater and leggings. But instead of bubble gum pink I decide on black, of course. I'm hoping to redeem myself from the image of the hysterical, yelling, crazy woman they met before. Not that they didn't deserve it after everything that's happened. I shake away the thoughts of the last meeting at the Scott's and the last time Chris was here in this same room. I think about how he seemed just as nervous as I was, almost more so. Still, other than the nervous energy, there was something about him that was almost calming. Do I dare say...comfortable?