rant bants

i feel weird

a chapter of me prattling ridiculously to decipher why i feel weird.

the entire day i felt uncomfortably submerged in feeling i don't have words for. it was the same twisty feeling pushing your stomach around that you get when something is wrong, but in a sexual way -- it was a quart of sinking unsafeness, paired with a couple pints of dirty. unclean. like regret for a sickeningly confusing thing you've done, except i have nothing to regret.

this is what i've read about in books as the Feeling You Drink To Forget. except people usually have a reason.

recently, a familiar sensation is unease at the thought of forgetting something -- constantly. like something's always off in my life, there's a bigger picture i'm missing, a shimmering gold pathway to happiness and success trying to shine its light my direction but i'm always looking the wrong way. my train of thought gets off at the wrong stations and its conductor has serious short-term memory loss. 

speaking of a swift-moving train of thought, this brings me my the stomach-churning, headache-inducing, hair-ripping frustration at incessantly feeling more busy the less activities i enact. it won't leave me at peace.

that's all, now i'm crying at old coldplay and everything will be fine. i now often go to sleep drowsily wishing i could stay that way forever, no cares in the world, which is a mentally unhealthy habit i've developed. 

being awake is tough, man. global warming, man. syrian crisis, man.

hope you're all doing fun things and staying happy and healthy.