Father

  So here I am, at your funeral. I never thought this would happen. Fourty-four years old, you left too soon. I'm sitting here looking around at the people who came to pay their respects.. but they don't know you, not like I do. Look at them, showing off for tv and the newspapers lying saying you were a Tebow fan just to give that man his shine. Head lines "Number one jet fan" is the story. Got me questioning people. No one really knows your kids. They still think Deshawn wants to play basketball.Remember I use to be daddy's little girl? So how did we end up arguing? Well I guess I should start from the beginning and maybe you will finally understand.

   Remember the day I was born? You named me Princess. And I remember always being up under you. Always wanting to go where you go. I was definitely your little princess. All of a sudden things changed. You nd Ma started fighting a lot but you would always snatch me up. I hated getting between the fights. But I still always loved you. Eventually you and my mother broke up. How I missed you. I had a picture of you I use to keep under my pillow. Hated my mother's new boyfriend because I felt my parents were suppose to be together. I remember at the age of seven calling my self writing a love letter in my mother's name so the two of you could get back together, unaware of the fact that maybe it wasn't good for the two of you. In my mind we were a happy family. As the years went on by I saw less of you. But when I did see you I was filled with joy. Hoping that we could spin the day together. I guess I didn't mind the lack of time spent back then.

  When I turned ten that's when questions started being asked like "How come dad don't come by." Or "how come dad can't take us to the park." Questions my mother couldn't answer. But I feared you too much to open up and tell you. Maybe I should have. Maybe a lot of feelings wouldn't have been held in for so long. So one day two years later, my mother decided to sit me down and talk. She felt it was time I know the truth. She told me you were on drugs, you were a liar, and other things you use to do leading up to the break up. But I just couldn't believe it, I wouldn't believe it. Not my father.

  Do you remember our walks across the Brooklyn bridge? I was so excited the first time. That was the best day. I asked to walk to the other side and you looked at me like I was crazy. But we did anyways. I've learned so much that day and you made me feel so special. I wish there were more days like those.

  When we moved from New York that's when we as a family drifted apart. I also started to see the things my mother said about you were true. How you disrespect her, your lying, the drug use, they were all true. I seriously couldn't believe it when I saw you on drugs. That wasn't you! That wasn't my father. He wouldnt tell his daughter women ain't shit. He woulnt have cursed my grandmother the way he did. My views of you changed and I did lose some respect, but it gets worse. You told my brother that he ain't shit to you and if you see him on the streets you'll spit on him. Regardless of how mad you were, how could you say something like that to your kids? We drifted apart and you didn't try to fix it only justify how you hurt us. Never admitted your wrongs but you pointed the finger. Yet I couldn't just give up on you. I was happy to kno I was finally getting a sister. It made me even happier to know that you wanted to stay around and raise her. But I notice everytime I come to visit you were never home, so I asked my sister's mother and she told me that you still did the same things. I was disappointed. Then she told me how you would try your best to do something for your kids but things never worked out. How you would try to give us Christmas gifts and when you couldn't you were ashamed to come around. I wish you knew us better than that. Hell all we wanted was for you to take us to the park. I wish you would've told us. We wouldn't have been mad but there was a time where I told you I feel like I can't talk to you and that led to our argument years later. It's funny though I still couldn't just disown my own father. I still felt like your little princess.

  Fast forward to age 20 I decide to go away to school. I remember you came to my orientation talking up a storm asking a million and one questions. I was so embarrassed! Then we met up at Amtrak on the day I was leaving. You made sure I had food before I left, damn near got into an argument when you thought I wouldn't have been able to eat. Then we kissed each other goodbye. You sent me so much stuff while I was a away. I had a letter I was suppose to had sent to you but for some reason I never came around to doing it. Maybe if I would have we wouldnt have had the argument.

  One day I get a call from my mother telling me you told her you didn't think I would make it. And that hurt me because a lot of people felt that way but never would I have thought my own father would feel like that. On top of that you kept telling me lies so all the anger started building. When I found out you had cancer I thought since I'm going to be on vacation I would take care of you. But when I got there I guess what you said got to me so I felt it was best we discussed it. I wanted to put everything on the table how I've been feeling for years. I know the conversation got heated and then came an argument, honestly dad, I didn't want to argue. I just wanted you to know that all I wanted was for you to be there, be my father, I wanted my family back but you couldn't get passed the fact that I said you stole from me and my brother. You felt as though my mother put that in my head but I was only bringing things up that I remembered that I wanted answers for! Lord knows I didn't mean to make you cry and walk out the house knowing your sick. So I went looking for you. I knew you would be at your friend Boo's house. I just wanted to tell you I didn't mean to hurt you. But when I got there you didn't want to be bothered with me.. You shouted out "Get her away from here. I don't want to talk to her!" So I left in tears. The next day you came back and we talked about it then I told you I wanted to go home. I know that hurted you and you wanted me to stay but what happened the night before, I didn't want to be there anymore. Maybe it was selfish of me. Maybe that made me a bad person but I honestly didn't think how bad your condition was, everyone kept me in the dark about everything. Dad if I knew how sick you were please believe I would've waited.

  Months later I get a call from my grandmother telling me your in the hospital. This was weird to me because she told me not to long ago you were doing better. I felt bad because we haven't spoke for months so I called. You told me you were getting better as well and that you would be leaving the hospital soon. Then all of a sudden we start talking about my brother. You kept saying you wanted to see him so you could apologize. I could tell how badly it hurt you. Then you told me how your brother's didn't have your best intrest at heart and my grandmother was making you angry and everyone was arguing pertaining you and then you started to cry and told me you would call me back. After that I called you more often, it felt as if nothing had happenend between us. I remember our last talk. It was funny because I had a feeling for about a year that you had a new girlfriend so I finally asked you. And you said "What?! Where you heard that from?" I simply said "I just put the clues together" so you said yes and said I will meet her when I come back home. You told me about all the changes you wanted to make in your life and how we should start a better relationship. So I paused and apologized for hurting your feelings and that I just wanted to have that father I had when I was younger. You apologized too and said you made foolish mistakes and you want to move forward. I finally felt lifted. It was as if all our issues disappeared. I forgot about all the bad times. So I asked you whenever you got better if we could walk across the Brooklyn bridge again. You said yes that's our bridge. Then I told you that I would be coming home the week after and you said ok you should be out of the hospital. But when I came home, before I could even see you, you died. I was told the doctors put a tube in your side through your lungs and your lungs got filled with liquid and you died.

  What hurted was the fact that I was left in the dark about everything. What hurted even more was the lack of compassion my family had. It was like they didn't care. No one even had the decency to tell me you died. I found out from a distant cousins. Then I got my uncle telling me how shitty of a daughter I am because of our arguments even though almost all his kids don't talk to him. But no one understood us, they couldn't possibly know how I felt or what we've been through. Then my sister's mother got news reporters at the funeral telling them your her husband. Some of those people who you haven't spoken to in years want to acknowledge you now. Then remember you told me that you wanted to be in a Jets suite whenever you die. Well, I told my grandmother what you said and apparently my words didn't matter. She had to ask someone else to verify. I had no say so in anything. That obituary she wrote sounded nothing like you. Then she couldn't even try to find a decent picture of you, its a mug shot. I just hate that obituary . Your kids weren't acknowledged. To me people were being selfish. Did you know my grandmother told me to stop crying because I'm upsetting my sister? Im starting to see how everyone really is. I also see how you were the black sheep in the family. Someone (in their eyes) always up to no good. Emotionally drained because you felt unloved. Being labled as the bad guy by your own family so you actually go and live up to the expectations they had set for you. I understand you. I finally put all the pieces together. They can all say they know you but they really don't. I watch them all sit there in denial. I only wish I could've told you face to face. I love you Russell Eugene Francis. Rest in peace.