The outsiders
I was drowning. I treid to fight the water. But i know how this always works out . At the last minute
Johnny saves me. But not this time. This time he never saved me. It was getting harder and harder
to hold on. When i couldn't hold on anymore, I let go. Relief. When you drown the worse part is trying
to hold on to the only thing you have left. Hope. When you let go. In one slow but fast second.
Everything is better, Then nothing.
I woke up shivering, drenched in sweat. Soda still dead asleep. I swringed my feet over my bed. I
stood up and took off my t-shirt that is wet from another one of my dreams. I dunked it in the laundry
basket. I walked into the kitchen. The now yellow kitchen. I got a glass of water, i went and sat at the
dinner table. The chair i sat down on was the broken one with an uneven peg. it squeaked every
time someome sat on it.
I looked into the glass of water. Thinking that I would see something, but also knowing i wouldn't.
I knew i would only see only thing. The one thing that horrifes me. The one thing that has changed
so much over one year. Myself.
When I was done with my glass of water. I went back to my room. I was still afraid to fall asleep.
But as soon as my head hit the pillow i was out.
I woke up with the smell of chocolate in my nose. I ran into the kitchen. To find Darry cutting me,
my daily slice of chocolate cake. Soda was already eating two before he goes to the gas sation fo r
work. Almost every thing was back to normal.
" So Pony, you know shcool starts back in a week." Darry calls out as if i very far away.
" Yeah i know, I dont know how this school year is gonna be. But Darry your gonna do to work
arent you?'
" If you think you can be by yourself for a couple hours Pony."
" I think he can be by himself for a couple hours. I mean for real Darry his a teenage boy."
Soda pipes in. I will make a mental note to thank him later for that.
" Well if he thinks he can handle it. Then yes. I will go to work." Darry looks down at his and
says " maybe the gym to, if i have the time."
After a while of eating. I soon found myself alone. Darry and Sodapop gone to work. I do what I
would have do a year ago, clean. I did the dishes, sweeped, dust, and my favortie laundry. After i
have finshed everything i could have done to this house. I took a shower.
I was in my blue jeans and a sweater. I didnt really know why I was wearing a sweater. It was
mid August. But I floped down on the couch. I was treid by then. But i didn't what to fall asleep but i
did anyway.
I was outside. I saw the chruch on fire. I couldnt beleive my eyes. maybe there's another chance.
To save Johnny that is. I looked behind me and there was Johnny. The Johnny before the
hosptipal, before dieing. But before i even know what I was doing, I was runing to the church.But I
didnt want Johnny to go with me. I tried to scream at him. But I couldn't do anything but run to the
burning church. To know that Johnny will be hurt and die from this. No! I will not watch him get hurt
again! But like always in dreams, you have no contorol. Johnny was right behind me, as i borke the
window and jumped in. Johnny right behind my looking strong.
I woke up with my heart pounding in my chest. I can't belive I let him die again. Again. I'm so mad
at myself, and I once wonder why he died. He died because of me. Only I could of saved him. Not
Darry,Soda,Two-Bit, or dally. I was me that killed him.
I walked into the kitchen and got a glass of water. I sat the water down on the dinner table. I went
to the bathroom and got my depression meds. That my doctor descibed me. He thought I would get
depressed. I got my sleeping meds. I walked back to the kitchen and sat on the chair that has a
uneven peg. I dumped the two bottles on the kitchen table. I looked into the glass of water. I saw
this scared looking young boy. That is like the uneven peg. Then boy that is not right but has other's
to help him. But where was the person who went though every thing that changed him. I couldn't
take this any longer. BUt before i have the chance to do anything, Soda walks into the kitchen.
I see his face. How scared he is of me. I looked at him blankly. He knows what i was about to do.
"Ponyboy what are you doing!" He whispers faint, but storng.
"Nothing I wasn't doing anything." I inhale very deeply almost ready to cry. "Please dont tell Darry. Please."
" Why shouldn't i pony! I should go right now and talk to himi. But for what to think that you wont try again."
"Soda i wasnt going to do anything. I just wanted to feel real, for once."
" So this is what this is! Thinkning your life isnt real. Look ponyboy your life is real. If you would have done
anything. The gang would have probley spilt in half. We already have lost some much. But if we lose you.
What would we have done." Soda is shaking now.
" Soda dont you believe me, i wouldn't have hurt myself over nothing. Nothing. Please believe me Soda.
I'm ponyboy your borther."
"I dont know if your the ponyboy i knew. After Johnny and dally's death you have change. Not the good change ethier.
The bad change. Look i know your upset but it's been a year Pony. Get over it."
"Soda! "
"Well it's the truth pony! Do you think it was easy fo rme to get over my girl. huh?"
I just stand there dumbfly. This is Soda, Soda that is always nice is yelling at his borther. I looked around the room
It was just the same as it was before. What would have Soda done if i had left him. He wouldn't be able to take it.
Would he? i need to stop thinking about my needs and strat relizing everybody went though there deaths to. I need to stop
being selfish.
"Soda i didn't mean anything thing by this. I'm...... I'm sorry Soda for everything. I'll be better. I promise.'
