It's hard for me to talk. It's hard for me to explain myself because i spend my life ignoring every aspect of my real life, my real body, my real mind. i can't stand myself. Long hair, curves that constantly remind me i was made wrong. this isn't me. i wasn't made to have wide hips or a big bust. i wasn't made to have soft features and to be a girl. i'm not supposed to hate myself everyday. not supposed to hide and ignore the tangible parts of me. i shouldn't have to flinch away from mirrors because i don't match whats on the inside with what's on the outside. shouldn't have to wash my arms and legs in the shower and hope that everything else gets clean in the runoff soapy water. i shouldn't have to be afraid if i'm doing or saying the wrong things. i shouldn't have to wait until i can be online to be myself and then hide from the world the rest of my day. i don't want to be this anymore. i don't want to be some emo transboy hiding behind long hair and mint colored dresses and soft colored eye shadow. i don't want to hide. i don't want to lie. i don't want to keep getting myself in trouble just to steal a few more minutes of this damned utopia just so i can feel real. because i'm not real. no part of me is. and it hurts me more than any torture known to human kind. the pain and hell i go through every day of my worthless life. i don't want to cry myself to sleep at night because i cant express myself right and the way i want to. i don't need people at school or even home to attack me with insults or to taunt me about my life choices because i do that enough by myself. i don't know how to live with myself like this so i do the only thing i know how to do. i hide from the world, camouflage the way society thinks i should look and cry behind closed doors. its easier that way but it just hurts more. i don't want to hurt anymore.
