Five Stages [Nami x Fem!OC]

Five Stages

A/N: Wowee. First time writing in first person in like a year.

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I couldn't help but watch her as she ran around the ship shouting commands left and right. There was just something about her presence that made my eyes keep coming back to her; always coming back to her. There was just something about the way that she always knew what to do; the way that she was always able to quickly find solutions to the crew's problems.

Yes, she was beautiful, but she was so much more than that and it made me so uncharacteristically happy every single time I realized something as simple as the fact that she existed. And every time I remembered that she didn't just exist, but that she existed by my side as my friend—it always made my day. She always made my day. She could make all my cloudy days ebb away; and not because of her weather-based abilities. No. But because she was sunshine—as bright as her hair and her smile. She was pure and boundless sunshine.

Denial

No. No. No. There is no way that I'm in love with her. There is no possible way in the four seas that I managed to fall in love with her—with my crew-mate, with my best friend, with a girl. It's simply admiration. That's right. It has to be. I've never admired someone so much, but there's a first time for everything, right? I mean, why wouldn't I admire her? Why wouldn't anyone admire her? She's incredibly beautiful and intelligent and strong-willed and loyal and—I could go on forever.

It may be intense now, but it's just admiration and it will die down over time. I mean, it has to. Because that's how this works, right? And then everything will go back to normal. Back to sunbathing together and sipping on refreshing drinks without having to fight that urge to stare at her and touch her for absolutely no reason except to do it. Everything will go back to normal.

Though, if I really think about it, I'm not sure how much I like that normal.

Anger

I can't lie to myself anymore. No. It's undeniable that I am completely and utterly in love with the navigator of my crew; with Nami. And it's the most frustrating thing in the world: love for someone who would never return those feelings the same way. There's no way she would. Within all the time that I've known her, it's been made perfectly clear that she's only interested in men. And it doesn't help that I'm me. I'd never be good enough for her.

Dammit. This whole thing can go to hell for all I care. These stupid feelings can just go sink down to the bottom of the ocean—down to Davy Jones' locker and they can stay there locked up too. Because this is torture. All of this. And—

I swear to whatever higher being may exist, if I see Sanji hovering over her and praising her one more time, I will punch him. Well, maybe not, but I will punch something. Eh. I'll probably punch something regardless.

Bargaining

Maybe there was a way that I could have avoided this. There probably was. But I was too stupid to see it; I was too busy watching her instead; too busy listening to her and hanging off of every single word that escaped from between her lips.

Maybe if I had been more aware. Maybe if I had had more control. If only I had been able to look away from her every now and then. If I could have avoided her gentle gaze, pulled away from her warm touch, ignored the sweet citrus scent that was so distinctly hers.

But I didn't. And now I was screwed. Because there was no going back.

If I only I had been more strong-willed...

If there's anyway to make this disappear...Please. Please let me discover it.

Depression

Any semblance of hope that I had previously retained has disappeared. Any hope that maybe, just maybe, she could have found in herself an attraction toward women that had been buried or hidden has been crushed. It was destroyed along with me, with my heart, in that moment—when I had casually brought up the idea and the possibility for her of being attracted to another woman, she only responded by laughing.

Any anger that I have held prior has now dissipated. The only thing that remains is sadness. Followed by guilt, which in turn only intensifies that sadness.

I've started avoiding her. I've started spending less time with her. Not because of my unrequited feelings, but because I don't want her to see me like this. I don't want her to catch me crying, which is too often. I don't want her to pity me. I would rather be stranded on an island filled with no other life forms than giant insects than have her pity me.

I sure hope that she isn't blaming herself for the distance that has developed between us. It isn't her fault. It never was and never will be.

Acceptance

It can't be helped. I can't change the way that things are. I can only accept it for what it is and let life takes it's toll. I will focus on living from one day to the next and spending it by the side of the woman that I love even if she doesn't feel the same way about me.

It's not so bad now. I've been too hurt to be angry anymore and I've cried and moped enough to last me a lifetime. It still hurts. The pain is still there. It's unavoidable and probably impossible to get rid of, but I've become accustomed to it now. It doesn't bother me very much so I can stomach sitting beside her. I can deal with letting myself relish in her beauty—in the way that her clothing accentuates the curves of her body and how the wind makes her hair fly in a way that makes her look even more resplendent than she already appears.

This whole situation that I've found myself stuck in—it can't be helped. But it's alright. As long as I get to stay by her side, I'll be okay.

"Don't worry, Nami," I told her. "I'll always be here for you. No matter what. I'll be here for whatever you need me." Nami smiled at my words.

"And I'll always be here for you," she told me, poking my nose. "No matter what," she continued, repeating what I had said. She stepped closer to me and grabbed my face; she placed her on my cheeks and then pressed her forehead against mine. A blush quickly spread across my face at the sudden closeness. I could feel her breath on my skin as her calming scent engulfed me. Her eyes met mine before she spoke again.

"I'll be whatever you need me to be," she said. My eyes widened at those words because of what they could have been implying, but—

No. No. No. There is no way that she could have meant what I was thinking. There is no possible way in the four seas that there actually existed the possibility of her returning my feelings. It would be preposterous of me to think otherwise.