QUICKSAND

RATIONALIZING

FREYA'S POV

He kissed me. I felt his warm lips opening mine. My mind was asking me to stop but my heart says go for it. The truth was I didn't want him to stop. I rested my hands on his strong, prominent chest. I was kissing him back and when he pulled me closer, I wrapped one arm around his neck while the other caressed his face. It took a kiss for me to realize I missed him too. After what seemed to be forever, we both pulled away gasping for air. His eyes were dreamy, his lips smiling. He brushed his nose on mine. He always did that, even then. He kissed me briefly again and I did not protest. He looked at me, his forehead touching mine. He kissed the tip of my nose, my eyes and my forehead. He embraced me tightly. I put my arms around him and rested my head on his neck. I could feel his pulse beating fast. No one spoke a word but it didn't matter. We knew what each other felt. We knew.

We were disturbed by the ringing of my phone. I grumbled. He looked at me. Kissed me again then said, "You should answer that."

I grabbed my purse and took my phone out. For some time I stood there frozen staring blankly at the LCD. Paul stood behind me and brushed his hand on my shoulder. "Everything alright?" he asked.

"It's Lucas," I said blankly. Every excitement I felt just before I took my phone waned like a bubble. All the passion I felt before now ceased to exist. Reality had suddenly crept back in my mind as I felt his hand left my shoulder. I pressed my phone with my hand shaking."Hi baby! You're still awake? Shouldn't you be sleeping by now?" "I know. I can't wait too." "I'll cook you whatever you want." "I miss you too baby. I'll see you tomorrow. Bye."

When I placed my phone down the table, I looked around to find Parker gone. I slouched on the nearest chair. Tears were building in my eyes. I sat there for minutes contemplating, feeling my head explode. I totally lost it tonight. I shouldn't have acted on a whim. My guilt was all too amplified. Laura said something about telling Lucas. But right now, all I could think of was talking with Parker. I think Lucas wouldn't mind much about this. But Parker. God, I can't do this to him! Not this time. I know he loves me. I felt it for crying out loud. I need to tell him the truth but I don't know exactly how.

PARKER'S POV

I stood a few good inches behind her. I could hear everything she had to say to the one on the other end. I couldn't make out exactly what she's feeling but somehow I felt her guilt. I felt her voice quiver as if any minute she'd break into tears. I wanted to hold her close to me but I knew I wasn't the right one to do so. That reality was my wake-up call. She was still on the phone when I decided to leave silently. I didn't want to see her dripping with guilt. I was so jealous of Nathan when who I should be worried about is this Lucas guy. Freya has a boyfriend and I messed her head up. I walked pass through everyone at the resto. If my mind wasn't spinning I would have seen everyone having a great time. Alberto finally after years of asking, danced. Others were being their usual cheeky selves making the most of the party.

I, on the other hand, headed for the door. I paced outside trying to clear my head. I love her but why is it difficult to love her. I can't confront her about her boyfriend because I was also seeing someone else. And she wasn't to blame for this. This was all my doing. I don't regret kissing her, not in a million years. But I regret having to put her in this position. I looked at the stars praying for some cosmic intervention. I wanted to apologize right at this instant. I needed to speak with her. But I wasn't certain I could bear the look on her face. I made a rash decision. I should have hesitated. I should have... Damn this feeling!

FREYA'S POV

I rushed out of the office and saw everyone was still downstairs beating the drum. All but the one person I must see. I ran down, surveyed every person but I couldn't find him. Where'd he run off to? I walked outside and found the guard on his post. I asked him if he had seen anyone left the restaurant just now.

"Yes Ma'am. One guy wearing long sleeves. He has bandage in the hand." I felt color left my face, my knees weakened. "Ma'am are you ok?" I managed a nod. Going back inside seemed to take forever. I was dragging my feet. My heart sank, my mind's exhausted. Near the door, I saw Laura standing with a big grin plastered on her face. She seemed a little drunk. "Frey, I now understand why you couldn't contain yourself. That Parker is Capital H-O-T."

I leaned on the wall beside the door. For once I wanted to be a part of it. I wanted it to suck me in. Laura, seeing how I was, suddenly lost the grin. "You are the epitome of misery. If Oizys, the goddess of misery, had a face it would be yours." Everything Laura was saying entered one ear and exited the other. I felt like I was in a trance. "Deary, do you need a hug?" I shook my head. My best friend, took a place beside me. We were both leaning on the wall. No one saying a word. That's what I love about her, she knew exactly when to fall silent and just be there supporting without saying anything. We stood there for a long time until I saw someone approaching.

"Me again," he smiled awkwardly. It was Nick. "PK asked me to hand this to you." He held a piece of paper in his hand. I looked at it, looked back at him, and looked at the paper again. "Please take it. It took him ages to write what's in there." I gave a nod and took the piece of paper. "If it's any consolation, he does love you. He's a good bloke, Parker." Goodness! That was not what I wanted to hear. I wanted him to hate me. That way I wouldn't feel as guilt-ridden as now. I heaved a sigh. Nick started to walk back to where his teammates were.

"Hold on!" I said. He turned to face me. "Tell him... please tell him... I'm sorry."

"I will."

"And please let him see a doctor. I think his wound needs stitching."

"Don't worry. I'll take care of it," he said, a reassuring smile appeared on his face.

I started walking back up to the office. Laura was just behind me. I threw myself on the couch, the piece of paper still in my hand. I unfolded it and thought twice for a second if I should read it. I couldn't bring myself to. I handed it over to Laura. She read it silently and stared at it for a long time. Then she stood up walked to me and kissed my forehead. "This man is in love with you."

I closed my eyes. "Moments ago, I'd give up anything to hear that. Now I'm afraid. In my world, he can't. He won't. God, Lo! How twisted is my mind?"

"I know you're scared. But if you do love him,nothing else matters." She handed me back the piece of paper.    

This time I read what was written in it. It wasn't long. It wasn't a Shakespeare sonnet either. It's Parker's letter which contained exactly how he feels. No sweet lines. Nothing. Just how he feels. 

'Freya,I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I don't know what else to say. I want you to know that if there's anyone at fault, it's me. Just me. Forgive me if I couldn't bring myself to face you. I just couldn't right now. There's too much guilt I feel. I placed you in a compromising situation without meaning to. It was never my intent. Oh God, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. One day I'm going to apologize personally, for now I could only offer you this letter. Il tuo, Parker.'   

I felt my heart break for the second time in my life. I made him feel guilty. He's miserable and I knew very well it had nothing to do with him but me. It was all me. A tear escaped my eye. "Lo, I don't wanna be this selfish bitch. But I'm afraid. Any path I choose I'll end up losing him."

"Why don't you give him a chance? Have a little faith in him, Frey. He could surpriseyou. He seems to be a very level-headed man." She held my hand. "Look, Iunderstand your apprehensions. It would be hard for me as well if I were inyour shoes. You will be in Italy next week. Clear your head there make thedecision when you come back. But Frey, we both know that you need to speaksooner not later." I nodded. I knew that from the start. I am just not readybut I guess Laura's right. Soon I have to make that decision. Soon.