When I woke up this morning it was raining and I couldn't find an umbrella as I was on my way out of the house, and instead of running through all the rain like I usually do I stopped and slowly paced myself to the bus and enjoyed the idea of just being at that moment. And on the way there everything seemed to slow down and I couldn't stop but watch the rain hit the pavement by ones and twos and it made me ponder about how the rain drops felt and what exactly was the whole entire point of the existence of rain.
When I got on the bus I did the same thing I did every day and that was wave to the girl across from me. I didn't know her name and she didn't know mines but we were always friendly to each other. She would even go as far to ask me how school was going and I'd lie to her and tell her that everything was fine, when obviously everything wasn't.
I go to school every day and talk to the people I call my friends but aren't really my friends, and listen to my religion teacher tell the class how gays were going to hell while the kids in the back made jokes and all I could do was sit there. I also spent times where I would ask to use the bathroom but actually sit in a stall and cry because it seemed like the walls were closing in and the world was melting away right in front of me and I couldn't do anything about it and by that point my arms were bleeding and there were cuts everywhere but that's neither here nor there because no one really ever noticed anyway and it's not like they would care if they did.
Every day is usually like that but today it wasn't. Today was the longest day of life where I did what I felt and that was absolutely nothing, I didn't try hiding anything or pretending to be happy and it felt right. It felt FREE. My first class was art which is both my favorite and worst My teacher hates me but pretends that he doesn't but somehow I see that he does by the look of his eyes and it felt horrible. Kind of like when you take a lit cigarette and bury it into your skin and after you take it off it leaves a mark.
After art I got a phone call from a girl I fell in love with but not in the way you'd think I would have. I fell in love with the idea of her and not who she actually is and then when I finally met her it killed me on the inside and I was depressed for a while and I didn't know what to do with myself. But when I answered the phone I wasn't her it was her parents and they told me that this time she didn't make it; that this time she finally done it; that she finally got what she wanted and that they read our texts to one another and they found her diary with a note in it telling me how sorry she was to make me worry about her so much, but she knows that I won't have to anymore because she's gone now. And then I blacked out and I when I noticed where I was it was lunch time and my best friend was calling my name repeatedly and asking me what was wrong because I hadn't said anything the time I was with him and I didn't even laugh at the video he showed me which I don't remember anyway because again I just came back to it.
And I really didn't know what to say so I told him I had to go to bathroom but I didn't really I walked out took out a carton of cigarettes and smoked liked my life depended on I, and then I coughed and cough and cough and cough like my life depended on it and I didn't know why I didn't stop because I had 2 more classes but the skipped one of them and it was physics which wasn't so bad because physics makes me want to smoke which is what I'm doing and it makes me what to cut myself which is what I wasn't doing and what I didn't want to do because I promised my girlfriend that I wouldn't anymore and I don't like to break promises because when I do I smoke and drink and cut and burn and yell and scream and cry and I lose myself and then I start to cycle again. Like I am now which honestly isn't ok because I have too many run-on sentences and my teacher says run-on sentences are bad but I'm speaking from my mind so does that make it ok or does it make it still bad. Honestly I don't know and I don't think you would either and even if you did I don't think you would be able to tell me anyway and I'm sorry about that I'm so fucking sorry but I didn't know what to do anymore and I felt like a cup overflowing and it was spilling and I couldn't get up the mess and you couldn't either even though you tried and I tried and the doctors tried and the Prozac tried and my friends tried and my girlfriend tried. Fuck I did it again (please don't tell my English teacher) and right now I'm getting ahead of myself because it isn't even the end of the day yet and I haven't finished my story and I bet you stopped reading and came back to read it again because you couldn't take reading it anymore.
Anyway I skipped physics and then the principle called me down because the list said I was missing so I ended up missing my class after which was acting and is also one of my favorite classes, but that's beside the point. The principle wanted to know why I wasn't in class and I told him I was smoking and he told me that was a serious offence that the school doesn't take lightly and then in my head I started to cycle again like I always do and I started crying. Crying right in front of him and I told him what happened to that girl and how I felt and how bad it was and how bad I felt she was gone and how bad it felt that I had feelings for her because I already had a gf and I didn't know what to do with myself at all and how much of a mess that I was. And he told me to calm down and he used my full name for some reason, and then he got close and he hugged me. I don't know why he hugged me but I just let it happen and I didn't say anything about it but then the bell rang which meant school was over so I got to go home.
On my way out of school it was still raining and instead of walking this time I ran because I didn't want to be near the school anymore or the people that were there so I ran as fast I could and I was at my stop before I actually knew it. And that girl wasn't there like she usually was which was weird but that made me happy because she couldn't see me like this anyway because I wouldn't want her to see me like this because she was could like how I cared for the girl and she's gone now.
The bus was crowed on the drive back today which I would assume was because it was raining, which made me start to think about what if I was someone else on the bus. For example what if I was that old guy in the front and then I started to think about his life as a whole. Like where the rest of his family was at or if he was alone and that made me think even more. About how amazing and how terrible it feels to be alone and then contemplate the idea of what if loneliness was an actual person and what kind of person that loneliness would be. And then I thought maybe I would look the most like loneliness if loneliness was an actually person.
It was still raining when I got home. For some reason the sky won't stop crying and it makes me sad because I'm not able to comfort who ever or whatever is up there and is feeling sad too. Because I know what it feels like I'm sad all the time and I don't think anyone should be but when I'm sad it feels right because when I'm happy it just seems unnatural and that's why I stopped taking my medicine, and that's why I'm always tired and then when I wake up all I want to do is go back asleep because I don't dream anymore and I feel nothing and it feels right and free.
You already know this part but whatever. You guys came home and then the boys made some joke and I got angry because they were talking about me and you didn't do anything. You never did anything but today I wanted you to because I had a bad day but you didn't know because you didn't ask and if you did I would've told you anyway because I hate you. I hate everyone in this family and even more I hate myself and all I wanted to do was sleep and now I guess I going to sleep and sleep and sleep and sleep and the world around me will keep moving and people will keep living without me. So I grabbed a knife and slit both of my wrist and this time it didn't hurt as much because this was the first time I ever actually felt happy and right now I'm crying and I feels good so fucking good but I can't stop to think about how my gf feels once you tell her I'm gone but maybe you can show her this and tell her how her much I loved her and how much she meant to me because I don't think I'll be able to do it. So please just tell her that my last seconds in the world I spent thinking about her and how sorry I was and how happy I was that I got fade away with the world around me because the other times it never happened and I don't know why I always stood there why it faded but this time I got to. And can you also tell my English teach that I'm sorry for using run-on sentences and that he should fail me because I won't be coming to class anymore...
